Feeling Invisible to Your Spouse But Not the Step Kids

My husband and I had our first date in mid-July and from that night until the end of August, when we got engaged, I had never been happier.  However, had I known that once we got engaged the honeymoon period would end, I would have asked that we date for longer than 6 weeks.  Begged for it, actually.  

Those 6 weeks were the best of my life.  I was so happy to have found my EC (you know, Eternal Companion, the one I had dreamt about since junior year at BYU when all my single friends started to drop like flies but I stayed single?), I could barely eat or sleep or do any work.  And, I had never been so adored by anyone in my whole life.  He treated me like this fragile treasure that would break if anyone looked at me.  He carried anything I tried to pick up (even my purse, which I didn't care for - I didn't like seeing this big man carrying a small women's bag, but that's not the point. . .), I couldn't open doors because he was there first and when he opened them he always placed his hand on the small of my back to gently guide me in.  He always had his hand on me - my arm, shoulder or waist - in a really protective way.  It was heaven!  I'm from the West where woman are expected to work along side the men - if not work more than them.  He's from the South and was taught to be a true Southern gentleman.  Did I resent his behavior as possibly patronizing since I had been an independent woman for more than half my life?  No way!  I ate this up.

Once when we were still dating, "Child A," threw something heavy at my face (I don't remember why and now knowing "Child A" there might not have been a reason).  I ducked and before I could tell my husband it was OK, I saw his face fill with rage and he yanked the child outside for discipline.  My in-laws were there and quietly joked about not messing with my husband's 'Woman' - even if you're 6.    Obviously I felt horrible at the time, but now I think of this moment fondly.  Probably because I'm really messed up.  Also because I now feel invisible to my husband.  "Child A" will hit or throw things at me now and my husband's response is more like, 'You can handle it.'

I remember the first time I felt invisible to him.  We had been engaged for less than a week and took the 3 oldest children (at the time 6, 5 and 3) to an amusement park.  We let them ride a kiddie ride while we sat near by.  I sat on my husbands lap (I know, super annoying but I was still giddy-in-love) and we were joking and laughing when the ride ended and the kids started to walk towards us.  We were maybe 20 feet away and I assumed we'd let them walk to us and kept talking.  I know, I sound like a heartless, jerk step-mother, a true parent would be at the gate so the child wouldn't go 2 feet without a parent next to them.  My husband reacted like said parent and jumped up, literally knocking me aside and ran to them.  That's when reality started to set in.  Wait, I wasn't the only one my husband loved with all his heart.  Ugh, I'm horrible for even thinking that.      

It was also embarrassing for me and I told him so.  Not the best move.  First of all he didn't even notice his reaction, it was so ingrained in him.  In his mind, the ride ended and he stood up and assumed I did the same and went to the children.  He didn't notice that he had sprinted towards them and I was half way on the bench and half way off and THEN I stood up in shock and walked over to him with an angry look on my face.  He even accused me of making it up.  When I insisted that I did not make this up he grew impatient and then annoyed.  These were children!  What did I expect him to do, wait for them to come to us?  Um, yes, but I'm also really awful.

The next day it got much worse.

It was the first time the kids and I spent the weekend with him at his parent's house.  Space was tight at his parent's and before I came along, he would spend Friday evening, Saturday day and Sunday day with his kids but they didn't spend the night.  For some reason he thought it made perfectly good sense to have me and the kids there.  So, the next day my husband was hanging out with one child,  his brother and father and left me to tend to the other ones.  At first this seemed really fun, but after 2 hours (or when typical babysitting might end), I thought, 'Where is my fiancé?  Why hasn't he come to find me even to just say 'Hi?' and these kids are really disobedient.'  Then it hit me, my husband had what he wanted, he could stop the woo-ing and act normal.  I promptly left three little kids alone and went into the bathroom and cried.

His mother found me after a while (she probably  thought I was irresponsible and crazy for leaving them alone) and gave me a hug.  I didn't say a word but she told me that she knew how hard it was to be a mom and I was doing a good job and that my husband (to-be) loved me very much.  Yes, my mother-in-law is perfect and so closely tied to the Spirit she knows everything.  I tried to stop and say 'Thank you for reading the situation so well, and for saying the perfect thing,' but, instead I cried even harder.  Mostly because I caught a glimpse of my future and it felt hard and lonely.  I think his mom's hug was a tender mercy of sorts, identifying that this was going to be difficult and there would be people to help me feel better, but it wasn't going to stop and I might not get the help I wanted from my husband.

I want to tell you things got better but that wouldn't be true.  I told my husband that night how I felt and he was sorry he had left me alone for so long but we never went back to our 'sick-in-love' phase. I guess this is for the best, even I see photos from this brief time and roll my eyes.  But, it just felt so blissfully wonderful!  I thought we'd be those celebrity couples who make out in the middle of  restaurants and you think, 'Why didn't you wait 'til you got home?  You're famous and everyone can see you?'  Well, OK, we've never even kissed in a restaurant (I can do hand holding and cuddling in public but that's it).  But you know what I mean, just so freaking in love you walk on air and don't even notice.

This actually became a small fight for the next, oh, maybe 23 months.  Every few weeks I would hit a breaking point and tell him I needed his attention (because I'm selfish).  I needed compliments and affection - things I know he's capable of because I remember those 6 weeks from long ago (I bet he wishes I didn't).  Men and women are so different, and it's hard to work out the man's brain when you think with a woman's brain.  I guess that's why the first year of marriage is hard for everyone.

At this point you're shouting at me, 'But there are small children in the picture! Of course you don't get all your husband's attention when he was a father first! Duh!'  And, you would be correct.  However the abruptness of it all and the immediate change in my husband (fiancé at the time) was not what I had expected at all.  I don't fault him at all, obviously.  I know all the time and energy children suck out of you, leaving you a hollow shell (well at least that's how I feel as a step-parent, maybe biological parents feel better) and not feeling like yourself.  As soon as we get the kids it's like my husband and I both disappear and we become kid-ranglers to four wild children.  I signed up for this, so I can't complain, but I will anyway. . . .It's so hard!  And not fun!

My husband will drop the kids off on Sunday and come home and say things like, 'There you are!'  He thinks he's being charming but, for me it's too soon.  We can joke when we're grandparents and empty nesters.

So, now that I've complained a ton, I need to mention that the last 2 weeks have been so much better.

A few weeks ago I had a melt down with "Child A" that turned violent (child trying to hurt me, not me trying to hurt child but you know I wish I could have, and yeah I just said that) and I thought, 'I'm done.'  I wasn't giving the kids what they needed (a loving step-mom) and that meant I wasn't giving my husband what HE needed (a supportive, loving spouse) and I sure as heck wasn't getting what I wanted (I feel ridiculous saying 'needed').  After a several hour conversation, my husband patiently told me that he would do whatever it took and didn't try to argue with my selfish points.  Ugh!  That man is a saint sometimes.  He asked what I needed/wanted and I (horribly) said to not feel invisible.

I'm not proud of myself.  Being a step-parent is hard but I also think I'm too entitled with my role.  Like, 'Yeah, you have 4 small kids but I need attention too!'  I'm in my 30s!  And not my early 30s!  The only way I can justify this is (because I always need to justify how bad I am), entering  an already-made family is a shock and something that takes years to fully grasp.  You need to learn that a dynamic between a man and a women changes drastically when there are kids and the kids always win.  It's not easy and it doesn't seem to get easier, but hopefully I'll get tougher.

The last weekend we had the kids my husband helped comb hair before church, he helped to feed them during mealtime, he was parenting more intensely and I took a step back.  I helped too with them but, I also gave myself permission to check email or go upstairs and organize.   He was now the disciplinary and the one feeding them every 2 hours (they are Always hungry, or at least they say they're always hungry).  I ate my lunch while he served them lunch, which means for a good 30 minutes he was back and forth meeting all their demands while I quietly watched.  Usually the roles are reversed.  The best part was, he also found time to tell me I looked nice.  You don't even know how much this meant to me!

Don't worry, I recognize how horrible I sound and I DO plan on helping out more in the future.  I'll slowly go back to doing as much as I was doing before (by slowly I mean in a few weeks).  Stopping to tell me I looked nice when we had the kids made be instantly feel visible and like someone of important in his life.  It's funny how small things can make a world of difference and I'm so grateful he has been making such a huge effort without slacking off.  How demanding do I sound?  Very, very demanding.  Ugh!  I pray one day I'll be less selfish.  The good news is, we'll never be that  obnoxious couple who's so gooey in love you want to puke.

Boundaries, Boundaries and More Boundaries

One thing I wish I had done right when my husband and I became serious was set up boundaries between us and the Ex.  I was in that phase where I was just so happy to be with the man I loved and some strange lady was not going to have any affect on me.  Silly me.

The first time I met the Ex, my now-husband didn't even introduce us and I didn't know who she was (I should have studied her better from FaceBook - isn't that what social media is for?).  It was a strange interaction: we met her to get the kids and she didn't introduce herself, they were trading kids from one car to the next, and before I realized what was going on she was gone.  My husband later told me he was so nervous and so anxious about the meeting that he didn't know what to do.  That's fair.  Plus, he and I had only been dating a few weeks and although we knew we were serious, this was something we weren't ready to share with his Ex and the kids yet.

The problem for me was that my husband and the Ex wanted things to be as seamless as possible for their four children (which sounds like wonderful parenting and makes me completely horrible, which I am). This meant the Ex would walk into my In-Laws home (where my spouse was living) without knocking or announcing herself and comb through the rooms looking for the kids.  My In-Laws and I would be sitting on the sofa or talking in the kitchen and she wouldn't acknowledge us.  One moment I would be laughing with my soon-to-be new family and so happy and the next thing I would see is the Ex bursting through the door calling the kids' names and collecting their things.  It was always unsettling, like a punch to the gut.  To me it felt like a power thing - SHE was here first, these were HER kids, I'm the outsider, not her.  True, these could be all created within my mind's eye, but then again if you knew her and her history (a controlling person who had to assert her dominance over EVERYONE), this would be spot on.

I felt obligated to quietly go along with the situation.  One evening my husband and I were cuddled on a twin bed with one of the kids with the door closed, the next thing I knew the door flew open and she was in the room just staring.  She had come earlier than planned to get the kids and wanted them in the car that second.  Awkward?  Yes, yes it was.  Did I protest?  No.  I thought I was being the 'chill girlfriend'  and I told myself these things didn't bother me.  But they did.  A lot.

Now two years into this relationship (and 21 months into our marriage) I feel like we are barely at a place where I am comfortable.  And yes, it's ALL about me.  Just kidding, but as this is my blog, it kind of is.  Look, I know I sound super selfish but I view my life as 'our new family life.'  I want to create a stable, peaceful life and home for our new family (and hopefully that will involve children of our own).  Yes I agreed to step-mother but I did NOT agree to having my life controlled by an unhappy woman (meaning the Ex, not me, although I sound really unhappy, huh?).  Yes I want the kids to have a stable environment where they are shielded from the sadness of divorce as much as possible but that will never happen with me feeling 'less than' or as a 'peripheral' person in the lives of the children (the Ex actually used this word to describe me).  I need to feel like I have some control over my own life, which now includes my husband and four little kids.

When all this began, I wish I had had someone there who could have told me that creating a peaceful home does not mean becoming a doormat.  That it's OK to tell the Ex 'no' on occasion.  My husband was so worried about offending her or upsetting her (she has been known to take out her anger on the kids) that we catered to her every whim.  She's an adult, I don't know why we had to treat her like a temperamental baby (well, I do. . . ).  I know my husband was new at figuring all of this out but he was advised by her and some other people to not make waves to the point where the Ex felt comfortable still inserting herself into our private life.

Here is what I would have done differently:
Listened to my gut more and spoke up when something bothered me. 
Example: We went to the youngest child's 1st birthday party when we were dating at their old house where she was now living with her boyfriend and she called my husband 'Daddy' and when he sat down she fixed him a plate of food.  My gut told me this party was a huge mistake to begin with.  I would have said 'Heck no we're not going to a party at your old house with your Ex and her married boyfriend!'  but, I didn't think I had a say in such things.  This wasn't about my husband and his child (the kid was 1 - they didn't even know how to eat their own cake), this was about the Ex and my spouse and her family feeling like everything was OK.  Guess what, it's NOT OK - you two need to face the facts that both of your actions have led to hurt so don't create ridiculous situations where everyone feels weird just to save face.  Of course, I wouldn't have said it like that.

Let my husband know when we were dating that I didn't want him doing things in his old house (where the Ex, her married boyfriend and the 4 kids lived) - it made me uncomfortable.  Had I done that than he and I would not have spent a night babysitting in his old house for 4 hours while the Ex and her boyfriend went to a concert.  Four hours of staring at their old family portraits that hung all over the house (why the boyfriend didn't ask for those to come down is beyond me - they had no problem taking down the huge portrait of the Savior. . . .).  It made me sick to my stomach and I had a pounding headache by the end of the night.  If a divorcee is bringing a new spouse into the picture, that new spouse needs to feel comfortable in this new awful situation they are agreeing to.

Basically it all comes down to valuing how I feel and if I feel uncomfortable or sick about something the Ex is doing (that involves us) tell my spouse and ask him sweetly to change it ASAP. When my husband and I were dating and he lived with his parents, the Ex used to send two of the children with 'security blankets' that were her garments.  Symbols and all.  I told my husband to ask her to not send her underwear over when we had the kids but he refused and said it made him uncomfortable.  However, it made me so angry and More Uncomfortable than him (guaranteed) that I finally had to confront her after a few months.  I still hold a bit of chip on my should that my spouse wouldn't put a stop to the scenario but I have eternity to work this out on my own.  If I could go back in time I would have sat him down and calmly explained that this was Very Important to me and he needed to confront it and if not, I would but I would be disappointed.

I know newly divorced people don't even want to think about Boundaries - because this means it's real and this could hurt the kids, but if you plan on bringing a new spouse into your lives you must value that spouse more than your Ex spouse.  The sooner you establish boundaries the sooner you can build your new life in peace, which I think in the long run will help the kids more.  It might not be fun, but if the new spouse is content than it's easier for them to accept their new life and then slowly build a cordial, maybe even friendly relationship with the Ex one day.

I hope I progress to one day being happy when I see the Ex (really!), but when that happens it will be my decision and not one I have been bullied or forced into.