Feeling Invisible to Your Spouse But Not the Step Kids

My husband and I had our first date in mid-July and from that night until the end of August, when we got engaged, I had never been happier.  However, had I known that once we got engaged the honeymoon period would end, I would have asked that we date for longer than 6 weeks.  Begged for it, actually.  

Those 6 weeks were the best of my life.  I was so happy to have found my EC (you know, Eternal Companion, the one I had dreamt about since junior year at BYU when all my single friends started to drop like flies but I stayed single?), I could barely eat or sleep or do any work.  And, I had never been so adored by anyone in my whole life.  He treated me like this fragile treasure that would break if anyone looked at me.  He carried anything I tried to pick up (even my purse, which I didn't care for - I didn't like seeing this big man carrying a small women's bag, but that's not the point. . .), I couldn't open doors because he was there first and when he opened them he always placed his hand on the small of my back to gently guide me in.  He always had his hand on me - my arm, shoulder or waist - in a really protective way.  It was heaven!  I'm from the West where woman are expected to work along side the men - if not work more than them.  He's from the South and was taught to be a true Southern gentleman.  Did I resent his behavior as possibly patronizing since I had been an independent woman for more than half my life?  No way!  I ate this up.

Once when we were still dating, "Child A," threw something heavy at my face (I don't remember why and now knowing "Child A" there might not have been a reason).  I ducked and before I could tell my husband it was OK, I saw his face fill with rage and he yanked the child outside for discipline.  My in-laws were there and quietly joked about not messing with my husband's 'Woman' - even if you're 6.    Obviously I felt horrible at the time, but now I think of this moment fondly.  Probably because I'm really messed up.  Also because I now feel invisible to my husband.  "Child A" will hit or throw things at me now and my husband's response is more like, 'You can handle it.'

I remember the first time I felt invisible to him.  We had been engaged for less than a week and took the 3 oldest children (at the time 6, 5 and 3) to an amusement park.  We let them ride a kiddie ride while we sat near by.  I sat on my husbands lap (I know, super annoying but I was still giddy-in-love) and we were joking and laughing when the ride ended and the kids started to walk towards us.  We were maybe 20 feet away and I assumed we'd let them walk to us and kept talking.  I know, I sound like a heartless, jerk step-mother, a true parent would be at the gate so the child wouldn't go 2 feet without a parent next to them.  My husband reacted like said parent and jumped up, literally knocking me aside and ran to them.  That's when reality started to set in.  Wait, I wasn't the only one my husband loved with all his heart.  Ugh, I'm horrible for even thinking that.      

It was also embarrassing for me and I told him so.  Not the best move.  First of all he didn't even notice his reaction, it was so ingrained in him.  In his mind, the ride ended and he stood up and assumed I did the same and went to the children.  He didn't notice that he had sprinted towards them and I was half way on the bench and half way off and THEN I stood up in shock and walked over to him with an angry look on my face.  He even accused me of making it up.  When I insisted that I did not make this up he grew impatient and then annoyed.  These were children!  What did I expect him to do, wait for them to come to us?  Um, yes, but I'm also really awful.

The next day it got much worse.

It was the first time the kids and I spent the weekend with him at his parent's house.  Space was tight at his parent's and before I came along, he would spend Friday evening, Saturday day and Sunday day with his kids but they didn't spend the night.  For some reason he thought it made perfectly good sense to have me and the kids there.  So, the next day my husband was hanging out with one child,  his brother and father and left me to tend to the other ones.  At first this seemed really fun, but after 2 hours (or when typical babysitting might end), I thought, 'Where is my fiancé?  Why hasn't he come to find me even to just say 'Hi?' and these kids are really disobedient.'  Then it hit me, my husband had what he wanted, he could stop the woo-ing and act normal.  I promptly left three little kids alone and went into the bathroom and cried.

His mother found me after a while (she probably  thought I was irresponsible and crazy for leaving them alone) and gave me a hug.  I didn't say a word but she told me that she knew how hard it was to be a mom and I was doing a good job and that my husband (to-be) loved me very much.  Yes, my mother-in-law is perfect and so closely tied to the Spirit she knows everything.  I tried to stop and say 'Thank you for reading the situation so well, and for saying the perfect thing,' but, instead I cried even harder.  Mostly because I caught a glimpse of my future and it felt hard and lonely.  I think his mom's hug was a tender mercy of sorts, identifying that this was going to be difficult and there would be people to help me feel better, but it wasn't going to stop and I might not get the help I wanted from my husband.

I want to tell you things got better but that wouldn't be true.  I told my husband that night how I felt and he was sorry he had left me alone for so long but we never went back to our 'sick-in-love' phase. I guess this is for the best, even I see photos from this brief time and roll my eyes.  But, it just felt so blissfully wonderful!  I thought we'd be those celebrity couples who make out in the middle of  restaurants and you think, 'Why didn't you wait 'til you got home?  You're famous and everyone can see you?'  Well, OK, we've never even kissed in a restaurant (I can do hand holding and cuddling in public but that's it).  But you know what I mean, just so freaking in love you walk on air and don't even notice.

This actually became a small fight for the next, oh, maybe 23 months.  Every few weeks I would hit a breaking point and tell him I needed his attention (because I'm selfish).  I needed compliments and affection - things I know he's capable of because I remember those 6 weeks from long ago (I bet he wishes I didn't).  Men and women are so different, and it's hard to work out the man's brain when you think with a woman's brain.  I guess that's why the first year of marriage is hard for everyone.

At this point you're shouting at me, 'But there are small children in the picture! Of course you don't get all your husband's attention when he was a father first! Duh!'  And, you would be correct.  However the abruptness of it all and the immediate change in my husband (fiancé at the time) was not what I had expected at all.  I don't fault him at all, obviously.  I know all the time and energy children suck out of you, leaving you a hollow shell (well at least that's how I feel as a step-parent, maybe biological parents feel better) and not feeling like yourself.  As soon as we get the kids it's like my husband and I both disappear and we become kid-ranglers to four wild children.  I signed up for this, so I can't complain, but I will anyway. . . .It's so hard!  And not fun!

My husband will drop the kids off on Sunday and come home and say things like, 'There you are!'  He thinks he's being charming but, for me it's too soon.  We can joke when we're grandparents and empty nesters.

So, now that I've complained a ton, I need to mention that the last 2 weeks have been so much better.

A few weeks ago I had a melt down with "Child A" that turned violent (child trying to hurt me, not me trying to hurt child but you know I wish I could have, and yeah I just said that) and I thought, 'I'm done.'  I wasn't giving the kids what they needed (a loving step-mom) and that meant I wasn't giving my husband what HE needed (a supportive, loving spouse) and I sure as heck wasn't getting what I wanted (I feel ridiculous saying 'needed').  After a several hour conversation, my husband patiently told me that he would do whatever it took and didn't try to argue with my selfish points.  Ugh!  That man is a saint sometimes.  He asked what I needed/wanted and I (horribly) said to not feel invisible.

I'm not proud of myself.  Being a step-parent is hard but I also think I'm too entitled with my role.  Like, 'Yeah, you have 4 small kids but I need attention too!'  I'm in my 30s!  And not my early 30s!  The only way I can justify this is (because I always need to justify how bad I am), entering  an already-made family is a shock and something that takes years to fully grasp.  You need to learn that a dynamic between a man and a women changes drastically when there are kids and the kids always win.  It's not easy and it doesn't seem to get easier, but hopefully I'll get tougher.

The last weekend we had the kids my husband helped comb hair before church, he helped to feed them during mealtime, he was parenting more intensely and I took a step back.  I helped too with them but, I also gave myself permission to check email or go upstairs and organize.   He was now the disciplinary and the one feeding them every 2 hours (they are Always hungry, or at least they say they're always hungry).  I ate my lunch while he served them lunch, which means for a good 30 minutes he was back and forth meeting all their demands while I quietly watched.  Usually the roles are reversed.  The best part was, he also found time to tell me I looked nice.  You don't even know how much this meant to me!

Don't worry, I recognize how horrible I sound and I DO plan on helping out more in the future.  I'll slowly go back to doing as much as I was doing before (by slowly I mean in a few weeks).  Stopping to tell me I looked nice when we had the kids made be instantly feel visible and like someone of important in his life.  It's funny how small things can make a world of difference and I'm so grateful he has been making such a huge effort without slacking off.  How demanding do I sound?  Very, very demanding.  Ugh!  I pray one day I'll be less selfish.  The good news is, we'll never be that  obnoxious couple who's so gooey in love you want to puke.

Be Careful What You Wish For - You Might Get Married

This sounds bad, right?  Let me explain!  No, maybe it is bad, because this is what I usually tell my #midsingle friends when they say they really want to get married.  Listen, in the end,  I wouldn't change one thing.  Marrying my husband in my mid-30s meant marrying into a situation with children and an Ex wife.  It also meant I got to work and travel and buy expensive juice and cheese and it would last me weeks, not just one sitting (my husband eats so dang much).  I went to whatever movies I wanted without thinking twice: foreign, boring documentaries, stupid long ones that I wanted to see just for the cinematography.  I had a good life and I was overall happy.  But those moments of thinking, I'm not complete or missing out, especially as an LDS woman, did creep up and they could be paralyzing.

 That all changed in a very short time.  I mean, VERY SHORT.  After 6 weeks of dating, my husband and I got engaged.  I know, we're crazy, and I thought this sort of thing only happened at BYU (because I saw it happen there all the time).  However, I had never dated someone where it felt so right; where there was NO question in my mind that this was my future spouse.  And the next thing I knew, I was engaged, a soon-to-be step parent and also not the first wife on the scene.  I suddenly felt like I was drowning and I knew it would only get worse and it did! (and 'no' it wasn't because I was 'awful-izing' - I tried to be positive everyday).  I tried to postpone the wedding when I saw that my fiancé still had photos of his Ex on his Facebook page with comments like 'You're smoking hot.'  To me this was a sign that he wasn't ready for a second wife - he still hadn't eliminated the first one from social media - and most of their photos still looked like they were married.  To him this was because Facebook and social media were inane and he barely visited these sites anymore, so any photos left up were due to sheer forgetfulness.

Ugh, Facebook.  It seems like such a good idea and then you get married to someone with an Ex-wife and you want to start a new life with this person but there are all these photos and messages that blatantly remind you that you were not there first.  Generally speaking, I think FB is very different for men and women.  My husband is the first to remind me that nothing on social media is real - the smiles, the forced poses, the flattering lighting.  And I know he's right - I've posted so many photos of us looking like a perfect blended family who are SO happy - but I still forget when it comes to other people.  

I thought when I was single that life would feel more stable once I got married.  Everyone told me it was hard and I believed them but if you could go through life as a duo wouldn't it make you stronger and problems easier to conquer?  Perhaps, but not when you marry into kids and an Ex-spouse.  I have never felt more unstable or unsure of how things will turn out as a married person.  Again, I wouldn't change a thing - I don't want to be married to anyone else.  But I know that these trials are going to stick around for a long time and it's possible they could get worse.  Over the last two years I have used the phrase, 'Well, things can't get any worse, which means things are only going to get better!'  And I naively believed this, even though things Always managed to get worse.  The good news is, I have found out that I'm capable of more trials than I ever imagined (yay!).    

Of course, I did have a mental breakdown one night after a very intense fight with the Ex that left me in such a state of shock I was comatose for 2 hours.  That was a fun one.  I'm not sure if I could have moved if I wanted to, but my brain told me it would hurt less if I didn't move or respond to life so I didn't.  It actually felt very peaceful in my little shell but it did terrify my husband who  almost took me to the hospital.  One priesthood blessing later I came out of it but was so enraged at the fight (I felt like my husband threw me under the bus) that I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to look at my spouse for a good 12 hours.  Real stable, huh?  Not things you'd imagine feeling or experiencing as a single person.

So why am I sharing such seemingly awful stories and insight?  Just so you know, I'd probably still encourage most people to date and marry someone with kids and an ex-spouse (just be prepared for a possible hard time).  No, all this came about after I posted about infertility.

I got to waterski the other day.   Yes, that seems random and a bit like a non sequitur, but hear me out.  I don't know what it's like to be 100% responsible for a baby - from what I hear it's Really hard and exhausting.  And, maybe I'll have one and maybe I won't but in the meantime I need to appreciate every gosh darn moment I have in life.   If I can go waterskiing (on a day we don't have the kids) without thinking twice, that's a pretty good thing.  If I can stay up late watching movies (action and comedies, of course) with my husband on weekends when we don't have the kids and then sleep in the next day, that's a luxury I need to relish.

Good times are usually best appreciated after they pass and sometimes when you are going through rough times.  It's hard to sit back and think, THIS right HERE is a good thing, I need to remember this feeling for later when things might stink.  Ohhh wait, is this what people call living in the moment?  It's so much harder than it sounds, especially with kids, and even more especially with step-kids.  Last night I had a milkshake for dinner.  One huge Oreo milkshake and since I had this post on my mind, I savored every last unhealthy drink and it made me really happy.  Yes, I had a stomach ache later and I totally abandoned my diet, but in the moment I was happy and right now as I think back on it, it seems like heaven, especially since I'm only eating salad today.

Struggling with Infertility + Step-Parenting = Not Fun

I have watched many people close to me struggle with infertility and they always seemed so positive or they acted like it wasn't a big deal, just one of those things that happens.  For 18 months we have been trying to get pregnant and I am now in awe of those people.  It is heart breaking and frustrating and every month you go through the same hope, even as you feel PMS creep up, and then sadness.  When people ask me if I want my own children, since I have four already, I always politely smile and say, 'Yes.'  However, when family or friends ask, I have less dignity and tell them 'Yes! and it's not happening and this is really hard!'

When my husband and I first got married, I thought, 'Well, if I can't have my own children I don't want to pursue intense fertility treatments, I'll just accept that it's not meant to be.'  My husband even seemed to like this idea.  I thought that my feelings for my step-children would meet any motherly desire.  And you know what, they might in the end because I don't know what's going to happen in the future.  But right now, today, after 18 failed attempts, I am struggling.  

I was almost 35 when we got married and I knew it was possible my age could be an issue but I also thought in the back of my head, 'But I'm sure I can get pregnant.'   When it didn't happen the range of emotions started with disappointment, melancholy and then worst of all, feeling like a failure.  Irrational as it may be, I felt like a failure for not producing a child, especially since my husband tried 4 times and had 4 kids with his Ex (the Ex even had a child with her boyfriend, so this lady apparently can't Not get pregnant).  Sobbing on the bed became a monthly ritual that I did in secret.  

Loving and sweet as my husband is, he just didn't understand what I was going through.  He and I were is completely different worlds.  He was a father to 4 young children who were VERY close in age, so his parental needs were met (and then maybe exceeded) at an early age and he had 8 years of intense parenting under his belt.  He had experienced pregnancy and child birth as a parent and raising a child from infancy on and he was still exhausted from it.  The thought of starting ALL over again wasn't as appealing and I don't blame him.  After a weekend with the kids I'm so tired I want to cry and I can't believe people do this and survive without having breaks.  But I still want this for myself (I guess I hate sleep and date nights).  

As months went by and still no baby, my emotions turned to frustration, impatience and resentment.  I felt forgotten by Heavenly Father and slowly I started to take it out on the children.  Not in an abusive way, Obviously, but I snapped at them more, I became stricter but not more loving and I had no patience.  As soon as they arrived at our home I would find something to be angry about (literally spilt milk, and Yes! I know what they say about spilt milk! ugh!) and I felt justified in my snappy mood.  My husband confronted me about a month ago, asking what was wrong because I was treating the children so differently.  I knew I was but I had no explanation.

In the past when I had problems with needing more love for the kids I would just pray for it and this always worked.  I was now on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father every night to give me more love and nothing was happening.  In my heart I wanted to be my old, patient self, I wanted to change, but I felt like my prayers were being ignored as I grew even MORE impatient.  

This wasn't fair to my husband or the children.  I have never felt more out of control of my emotions and I needed help.  So, recently I met with a therapist (more than once) and had some deep, personal revelations.  The most important being this: my snappy temperament wasn't because the kids were naughty, it was deeper than that, I was angry at God for not blessing me with a child and taking this out on the kids.  As soon as we had this breakthrough I felt awful because it was spot on.  I really AM a horrible person!  Yes, the kids are hyper and naughty at times but they needed someone who didn't yell or lose it over small things.  I had become the wicked stepmother and they still loved me!  Don't worry, I want to kick myself everyday.    

What to do now?

Well, yesterday was better.  Recognizing that I have become grouchier and why has helped a ton.  When I felt myself getting impatient, I could step back and think, is this really something bad or am I taking out my frustrations on this child?  Or as soon as my voice started to get louder I could stop and think, 'could I whisper this and get the same result?'  (the answer was always Yes).  I see that this could be something I have to continually work on, maybe forever, but it makes me happier and I know it makes my husband and the kids happier.  

As far as infertility, I don't know what will happen.  There are so many women who aren't able to have children and their lives go on, in fact I bet a lot of them have figured out how to be truly happy.  I have no right to demand or expect a biological child from my Heavenly Father.  Everyone has trials and some are heart breaking and some never go away, I just need to remember it's how I handle them that matters to God.  But do you know what also helps? Hearing about some Hollywood actress who had a baby in her mid-40s.  

Obvious Rule #2: Don't Tell Your Spouse They've Ruined Your Life

Why I even have to write this one out just truly shows how horrible I am.

OK.  I know I wasn't forced into this marriage so really, if anything, I ruined my Own life.
Just kidding, my life wasn't ruined.  I'm an adult and I knew what I was getting myself into.  OK, that's a lie - I had NO idea what I was getting myself into but I was warned by everyone that it would be difficult.  And I knew it would be the hardest thing I had ever done.  I also knew this is what God wanted me to do; there was no doubt that this is what He wanted.  However, once I was in the thick of it I had so many moments when I thought, 'This is more than I can handle.'

Being married and a step-parent has changed me, and so far, not for the better.  It's taken my joie de vivre (sorry to sound pretentious but I really did have this), whatever small amount of beauty I had (grey hair, lifeless eyes, dead smiles . . . it's a wonder my husband can even concentrate when I'm around) and my sense of humor.  When we have the kids I'm in 'survivor mode' only, which translates to, 'I'm mean ALL the time.'

Someone once told me, a few months after we were married, that my husband had been given blessing after blessing since meeting me while I have had trial after trial since meeting him.  I know, this is so arrogant but I didn't say it, and I'm trying to make a  super selfish point, which is: since getting serious with my husband my life has been sacrifice after sacrifice and it's tiring and exhausting and frustrating.  (PS It warmed my heart when this person told me this, I felt like someone was on my side and recognizing that this was a very hard path I had chosen.)

The problem is, instead of handling it quietly like a lady, I told him a less harsh version of this.  He his reaction was more of anger and said that he had to sacrifice too.  And maybe he has.  I'm not the fun girl he once dated and I'm certainly not as cute and when we dated all I did was talk about how I was going to love these children to pieces.  I thought I would.  I also thought they'd be better behaved and that the Ex Wife wasn't going to cross boundaries and tell us when and where we were all going to move and send my husband texts about inside jokes they had when they were married that had nothing to do with the kids.

But I know I was in the wrong for expressing how I felt.  This goes back to just wanting to tell him, my BFF, Everything.  Except I hadn't thought this through at all because I was also telling this man I loved something really negative about himself.  Yes, he had made choices that had brought him to this point with these people in his life but, like I said before, I wasn't forced into this marriage.  I knew the Ex had a reputation for being, um, shall we politely describe it as 'unstable?'  I knew the kids demanded constant attention and didn't process discipline.  And I knew I had married such a sweet man, that if his Ex did cross boundaries he didn't care because nothing really upset and he didn't have any feelings for the Ex (positive or negative which is actually the best way to be).

Trials (for us as a couple and by myself) have been plentiful and the blessings have been pretty small and scarce but, it's not all about good times and that certainly doesn't mean my life has been ruined.  I really felt like Elder Uchtdorf was talking to me when he have his talk this last General Conference.  Grateful in Any Circumstances.

Actually, I felt like SUCH a jerk when I heard his talk!  I need to be grateful and for goodness sake stop thinking my life is ruined.  I also need to stop expecting blessings or more specifically, demanding happy times.  Like I mentioned before, life is about progressing and something that involves pain and suffering.  There have been small moments of happiness too, I'm not completely devoid of smiles or joy.