When it comes down to it, my oldest child, Child A, ruined my birthday. But don't worry, I know how ridiculous this sounds as I'm an adult in my late 30s and Child A is a 9 year old with special needs.
The thing with my birthday was, I kept trying to make the day NOT about my birthday. We had family in town and they wanted me to have a special day. It was incredibly thoughtful, however, since we had the 4 kids and my husband had to work, I wanted it to be as normal and not special as possible. We tried to all go out and have a nice family nature walk (without my husband) and it ended with Child A refusing to leave the car and eventually becoming so mad they threw rocks at me. Granted, they only hit my feet, but these weren't pebbles - they were rocks. At another point in the day, Child A was so unhappy that they had to do everything our large group was doing and ran as fast as they could into a busy street. Needless to say, ALL activities were cut short and we all came home in grumpy moods. I tried to insist that my family leave me with the kids or at least Child A and go out and do something fun, but the mood had changed and they were now afraid to leave me alone with Child A. Ah, motherhood, or more specifically, step-motherhood.
My husband left work a little early when he heard the panic and anger in my voice and then when he came home, in my opinion, proceeded to baby and coddle Child A. Well, you can guess how that made me feel. I was suddenly furious with my husband. This wasn't new behavior. I see something really messed up and when I ask him to discipline it turns into hugs and giggling. I think this was the event that truly ruined my day, so maybe I need to say my husband AND our oldest ruined my day. OK, I'm mostly joking - I know that deep down No One can ruin my day, except for me. Only I can control how I feel and react and this day taught me that I had a LONG way to go with controlling my emotions, especially as the 'adult in this scenario.'
When I saw my husband barely discipline Child A and the two of them proceed to joke, I interrupted this maddening, sweet moment to talk to my husband alone. Yes, I lost it. I was so angry, that yet again, Child A had manipulated my husband and no lesson was learned. It didn't help that as we argued, Child A stood outside the door yelling that they were hungry and needed food right that second. My mom offered Child A some veggies and Child A refused saying they wanted pizza. I could barely think straight I was so incensed. The evening ended with my husband taking the kids back to their mother's house and us barely speaking.
Now, let me tell the good news.
For the last year we have been trying to diagnosis and figure out Child A. Nothing fit or made sense. My husband wasn't too concerned, because he had so much love for this child he was sure that if we just let Child A feel love, it would all work out. Turns out, he wasn't too off on this one. The child's mother had a genetic test done and showed that Child A has a syndrome closely related to Down Syndrome. This syndrome usually manifests in horrible health problems and low IQs. Our child wasn't diagnosed because Child A is actually a very advanced, mild case which is really rare.
We found this out a few days after my birthday and, suddenly my perspective shifted completely. Instead of becoming so irate and frustrated with Child A, I felt gratitude that their case was so light and that this child was as advanced as they were. There were no huge health issues and Child A can pretty much function in public school (with half special ed courses). When I read about other children with the same syndrome, my heart broke and I counted all of us to be so blessed that we lucked out with Child A. I NEVER thought I'd say that about this kid.
Things are completely different now for me because of this changed perspective. I have more patience and am more protective of Child A. I still discipline and occasionally (read: a lot of the time) lose my temper, but I make sure Child A is treated fairly considering their mental disability. This child has turned into a walking miracle for me. I am in awe of their progress and how they function in life. The Doctor's said it was unheard of for children with this syndrome to go 9 years without a diagnosis, because usually, these children spend their whole lives in the hospital.
Isn't it crazy how a slight change in perspective (in our case, a few DNA strands testing a certain way) can change everything? I am so grateful and when I think back on my silly birthday, I think about how well Child A acted, all things considered. I don't have the biological love that my husband has for this child, but this diagnosis helps me feel more of the love my husband had all along. It was such an answer to a prayer, as I have been praying to have more compassion and love for this child and through this scientific diagnosis, I do. I am just so grateful that Heavenly Father is so patient with me. He knew all along what ailed this child and thank goodness he gave this child a patient, loving father here on earth to be the advocate and protector. Man, I can be such a jerk! Hopefully I'll always remember this when my calm, sweet husband does something that I deem 'too sweet' or 'too soft.' But, knowing me, it might not happen right away.
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