Obvious Rule #2: Don't Tell Your Spouse They've Ruined Your Life

Why I even have to write this one out just truly shows how horrible I am.

OK.  I know I wasn't forced into this marriage so really, if anything, I ruined my Own life.
Just kidding, my life wasn't ruined.  I'm an adult and I knew what I was getting myself into.  OK, that's a lie - I had NO idea what I was getting myself into but I was warned by everyone that it would be difficult.  And I knew it would be the hardest thing I had ever done.  I also knew this is what God wanted me to do; there was no doubt that this is what He wanted.  However, once I was in the thick of it I had so many moments when I thought, 'This is more than I can handle.'

Being married and a step-parent has changed me, and so far, not for the better.  It's taken my joie de vivre (sorry to sound pretentious but I really did have this), whatever small amount of beauty I had (grey hair, lifeless eyes, dead smiles . . . it's a wonder my husband can even concentrate when I'm around) and my sense of humor.  When we have the kids I'm in 'survivor mode' only, which translates to, 'I'm mean ALL the time.'

Someone once told me, a few months after we were married, that my husband had been given blessing after blessing since meeting me while I have had trial after trial since meeting him.  I know, this is so arrogant but I didn't say it, and I'm trying to make a  super selfish point, which is: since getting serious with my husband my life has been sacrifice after sacrifice and it's tiring and exhausting and frustrating.  (PS It warmed my heart when this person told me this, I felt like someone was on my side and recognizing that this was a very hard path I had chosen.)

The problem is, instead of handling it quietly like a lady, I told him a less harsh version of this.  He his reaction was more of anger and said that he had to sacrifice too.  And maybe he has.  I'm not the fun girl he once dated and I'm certainly not as cute and when we dated all I did was talk about how I was going to love these children to pieces.  I thought I would.  I also thought they'd be better behaved and that the Ex Wife wasn't going to cross boundaries and tell us when and where we were all going to move and send my husband texts about inside jokes they had when they were married that had nothing to do with the kids.

But I know I was in the wrong for expressing how I felt.  This goes back to just wanting to tell him, my BFF, Everything.  Except I hadn't thought this through at all because I was also telling this man I loved something really negative about himself.  Yes, he had made choices that had brought him to this point with these people in his life but, like I said before, I wasn't forced into this marriage.  I knew the Ex had a reputation for being, um, shall we politely describe it as 'unstable?'  I knew the kids demanded constant attention and didn't process discipline.  And I knew I had married such a sweet man, that if his Ex did cross boundaries he didn't care because nothing really upset and he didn't have any feelings for the Ex (positive or negative which is actually the best way to be).

Trials (for us as a couple and by myself) have been plentiful and the blessings have been pretty small and scarce but, it's not all about good times and that certainly doesn't mean my life has been ruined.  I really felt like Elder Uchtdorf was talking to me when he have his talk this last General Conference.  Grateful in Any Circumstances.

Actually, I felt like SUCH a jerk when I heard his talk!  I need to be grateful and for goodness sake stop thinking my life is ruined.  I also need to stop expecting blessings or more specifically, demanding happy times.  Like I mentioned before, life is about progressing and something that involves pain and suffering.  There have been small moments of happiness too, I'm not completely devoid of smiles or joy.

3 Year Old Kids are Hard / 3 Year Old Step-Kids are a Nightmare

When I met my Husband his kids were 6, 5, 3 and 0 (ok, 10 months, but 0 sounds better).  The 3-year-old was affectionate and pretty cute and I thought, 'this child is going to be so easy to love!'  Wrong.

When I was a mid-single, I once offered to babysit as a prize for a Relief Society auction.  The sister who won had 4 kids and the youngest was 3 and when I was babysitting I was convinced the 3-year-old was possessed by Satan.  He was not only belligerent but violent.  His older siblings just ignored him and were really helpful to me and this kid just seemed like the odd-man out.  I know now from my awesome 2 years of experience that he was probably seeking attention and felt confused and left out - but even with this as an excuse - he was a complete terror/jerk/ idiot.  The next day I was talking to a friend who had a ton of kids to ask her if it was possible that this child was demon spawn.  No, she said, something happens when they turn 3 and they leave you and go into this really difficult stage but they'll come back to you after a year.  She was so zen about it.  I tucked this away for the next time someone asked me to babysit and if a 3-year-old was involved, I'd decline.

Now here I was with a soon-to-be step child who was in the middle of being 3 and this child was a complete psycho.  I couldn't stand this child.  I'd think of the scriptures when the Savior said in Matthew (18:6) "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that we were drowned int he depth of the sea."  I am NOT trying to make light of the Savior's words but I kept thinking, does this apply to me?  This child is nightmare and all I want to do is spank this child (NOTE: I have Never physically disciplined the children and I never will.)  Children in the scriptures were supposed to be our examples and they were going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom, not me.  But, did the Savior really know how awful kids could be?   Again, I'm not making a joke of His words, I genuinely struggled with this - like with tears and prayers.

I had seen my nieces and nephews and friends' kids have mini tantrums which, I get it, are normal.  But this child was manipulative and would hurt their older and younger siblings (as much as a puny 3 year-old could, I guess).  I wanted justice and progress and I was getting neither.  My husband would baby the child when they were being extra naughty and the child's behavior seemed to get worse.  I felt like I was in Crazy Town.  Did no one see what this little jerk was doing and saying?

Luckily, when the child hit 4 I noticed a change in behavior that had me thanking Heavenly Father in my prayers (literally).  I have since noticed though, this child is naughtier than the others and my husband thinks this is still cute, but I have my eye on them.

When the child is yours (adopted or birthed) you have a history with them, you've seen them go from helpless baby to curious toddler and then turn into a little devil child, so it's easier to remember the adorable times and remind yourself this is just a phase (hopefully).  When you're thrown into it - you want to pull your hair out and just be mean back to the kid.

I survived by removing myself from the situation (I used to leave the room all the time, especially at bedtime or nap time).  And reminding myself of my friend's words, that this was a phase and they'll come back to you when they hit 4.  And now we have another child hitting 3 and I can already see this child leave us and slowly creep into their own version of Crazy Town.  It's not easy but it is SLIGHTLY better, especially since this child was a really good 1- and 2-year-old.  And I pray a lot for very specific help; 'help me to remember this is just a phase and to be patient and love this child because this is really hard.'  

Obvious Rules #1: Don't Criticize the Kids

Never.  Ever.

I know, I know, this seems so obvious but I mess up on this all the time!
The thing is, my Husband and I are truly best friends who tell each other everything.  I feel so comfortable with him and sometimes I feel weird if I even withhold information.  So if there is something that bothers me or upsets me or I notice about the kids I tell him.  And it Never goes well.

There was a time when I literally repeated a criticism he said himself and I was met with an icy glare.  There are two times when he and I don't sync up in life and one is when I say something that even smacks of negativity about the kids, the other is when we discuss why the heck he'd ever marry his first spouse (more on that later).

My mom was a step-parent and her children were raised by a step-parent - so she's been on both sides.  She warned me that if I say anything that might sound like a criticism he will quietly hold it against me and later resent me.  I'm not sure if he'd do that (he's very transparent and forgiving) but I see her point.  I just need to remember it for goodness sake!

My husband and I were once talking about some friends who have really annoying kids.  I made the comment that they didn't even know their kids were awful but he said, 'no, they know.'  However, I have moments where I think OUR children and the worst ever but he thinks it's just kids being kids and I'm sure it endears him to them even more.  I don't think parents can ever step out of the situation enough to see that, 'Hey, my kids are total jerks.'  And I'm sure when I'm a parent I'll be the same way and think my super miserable kids are perfect.  However, at the moment I'm in a unique position (as I think most step-parents are) where I can sit back and see out kids being idiots but I still love them and am committed to them.  It's also very frustrating.  Having to keep quiet when I know and everyone around me knows these kids are being monsters.

So what helps?  Venting to someone who isn't my husband.

Talking to my parents helps immensely!  They love their new grandchildren and have bonded so quickly with them (huge, HUGE blessing - see! I recognize blessings too) but they also can sit back and see things that ideally would be changed or worked on.  So far they have 11 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren and they raised 5 children, so I trust their opinion and just plain love it when they say things like, 'they are the most entitled children we have ever met.'  I felt that for months but wasn't sure if I was just being horrible or if it was a true observation.

I also love when my friends with and without kids reassure me that my kids aren't THAT great.  From day one I have been surrounded by the opinion (from my husband and in-laws) that our children are perfect.  They are allowed to say what they want, destroy what they want, eat what they want when they want and are rewarded with compliments and hugs.  Could I sound more horrible?  Probably not, but I'm sure I will later.

This is something I need to continually work on (just last week I messed up on this rule), and hopefully I'll be able to hold my tongue so well it won't even be a struggle.  It's just so strange to be married to someone who I tell everything to but have to keep this one thing, that is actually a HUGE thing that has taken over my life, to myself.  But I'll do it and hopefully get better at it.

Most Unrewarding Job Ever: Step Parent

Let's be honest, being a step-parent is horrible.  I know parents who are raising their kids with a step-parent/ spouse might think they're in Just as hard a position but they're not.  They have the genetic make-up that allows them to love their kids even when the kids are being little jerks and the kids will always be theirs.

A step parent is expected to love and care for kids that aren't theirs but pretend that they are.  Tucking our (at the time) 3 year old into bed after feeding her dinner, getting her changed and reading her a story (things I do out of duty - I'm not at the point where this is a 'joy') she looked at me and said, 'You're not my Real Mommy, you're a Step Mommy.'  Thanks, little one, I had totally forgotten as I looked at your face that is the spitting image of your mother and has no resemblance to my husband - let alone myself.  I wanted to say, 'Well let's just call your mom who cares so much about family and she can do all this work and put up with your irrational temper tantrums while I go to a movie.  Oh wait, she broke up your family so she could marry a rich, old man who was also married, maybe she's not the best person to do this also.'  But, instead I gritted my teeth and barely spout out, 'I know, sweetie, and I love you so much.'  I believe this is referred to as, 'Fake it, 'til you make it.'

I guess it doesn't help that I'm not a kid person.  I love my nieces and nephews, and some of my friends' kids I love so much it hurts.  But, a stranger walking down the street with a child?  I could care less about them.  Random kids are not my thing.  And little jerk kids are even worse.  Not that my step-children are jerks all the time - they're probably the normal amount of kid-jerk but since I didn't make them, have any genetic tie to them or have any say in how they were shaped, when they are jerks I want to scream.

It took almost a year from when I met them before they started to regard me as an authority figure.  They weren't being obstinate, it was more like they didn't hear me, like my mean voice didn't register.  And one thing I learned about kids, is when they seem like they're ignoring you, chances are they aren't - they just aren't listening and it's not processing as a message.  As opposed to me, when I hear them and ignore them, I'm hearing everything but I am choosing not to respond.  Because, I, too am a jerk. But I'm an adult jerk and it's different.

Maybe it gets better?  I'm only two years into this scenario (I met my husband in June of 2012 and the kids in August of 2012), so I am still a novice.  Sometimes I think it's improving and then all of a sudden it seems to worsen.  But do you know what would help immensely?  Recognition.  I know, that sounds like a selfish answer (because it IS a selfish answer) but when I get recognized by my parents or friends or in-laws it makes me blush and I want to be better.  And when I get it from my husband?  It feels like heaven.  I'm sure to my spouse he thinks he's constantly praising me, but from my perspective it's barely enough and since I'm the one being a bigger baby I think I should win and he should praise me even more.

I JUST realized that makes me sound like Satan (I want all the glory, etc. etc).  Here's my defensive answer to myself about that . . . the children are years and years from saying a sincere 'thank you' and at my rate of being so selfish - they might NEVER say 'thank you.'  I think being a mom is incredibly unrewarding but you still have your special motherly love for your children and them for you.  Having an unrewarding task like step-mom and not receiving or feeling that love makes me feel empty and like I might go a little insane everyday.  I don't take meds (yet.  Yet.) so for now, to get me through the weekends or nights with the kids, I need a compliment and a 'thank you.'  Hopefully I will grow out of this (I know my husband would appreciate this), but for now, this is what I need to survive.

Merging My Single Self with My Married Self

So, from what I've heard, the first year of marriage is the toughest.  For me, it was the first year and a half (maybe kids and an ex-wife take an extra 6?).

In the church, being categorized as a 'Mid-Single' is not the best.  There were some moments when I felt like a leper, like when I was asked by a church leader if I was 'too cool' for marriage.  ('No, I'm just not attractive enough for the guys in my ward but, thanks for asking.').  However, my years in the family ward, after 17 years in a singles ward, were far more spiritually fulfilling than in the singles ward (sorry guys, it's true).  I carved out my niche as a lone person surrounded by families and married couples and I felt fine.  In fact, I felt really good.  Sure I wanted to get married but I wasn't going to let that define me or hurt my relationship with God (for the most part, I Did have moments where I was like, 'Uh, Heaven'y Father, did you forget me?').

So when I got married, there were some things I struggled with.  I often found myself saying things like 'my apartment,' 'my room,' 'my bed,' which made me feel horrible as soon as I said it, like some self-centered Lance Armstrong type (too harsh?  I've just never been a fan).  It's just that I was single for 35 years before I got married and these were just habitual phrases, not a state of mind.

I'm not sure what two single people with no previous children would struggle with when getting married, but I am sure it would be difficult (and I'm not being sarcastic, promise!).  Like people in my boat, I've never had the luxury of being truly alone with my spouse.   I'm sure if my husband didn't have kids I'd find something to struggle with, right?  Maybe?  Maybe not, the truth is, he's a sweet, calm, hilarious man and I think maybe things would be too perfect if we didn't have our current circumstances.  We'd be those annoying couples on InstaGram who post kissing photos along with 'I married my sweetheart! XOXO!'  So good thing we're not in THAT boat.

My 'Married Self' is also my 'Parent Self' and going from totally on my own to Wife/Step-Mother was like being thrown (really hard, like so hard it hurts) into a brick wall.  So yes, the first year of marriage was hard.  It was actually the hardest year of my life and I'm tempted to say the 'worst' year of my life, but thats sounds too dramatic so I'll wait 10 years and THEN call it the 'worst' year of my life.

Not only did I have a husband to account to and be accountable for there were also four kids and an Ex-Spouse who (and I'm trying so hard to be diplomatic) did not want to lose control of anything.  ANYTHING.  I wasn't myself and I wasn't comfortable in this new life for the first 18 months.

So what finally changed/ felt better?  Two major things: 1. We were sealed in the temple and 2. I did not have contact or see the EX for a good 6 months.  And, the kids were finally starting to obey me.  I'm still not entirely myself (I used to dance more and always felt happy - even on sad days I knew they were really just less-happy days), and I might get that back or it might be dead altogether (a lot of my friends who have been married for a while with kids talk about or just are less fun than when we were single).  In the end, life is about progress and I guess for me, true progress comes with pain and suffering (a lesson I learned on my mission).  Well, I'm glad I got that figured out.  

P.S. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable saying, 'My husband . . . ' because I feel like I'm bragging (it's the mid-single in me), so even writing about my 'Married Self' feels a little arrogant.  I guess I AM like Lance Armstrong, after all.

Is Your Life Like Mine?

8:oo AM Sunday morning: My hair is in a messy top-knot that I slept in the night before, wearing a slip and considering this 'half-way ready,' feeding four demanding kids ages 2 to 8, serving food, getting drinks, serving them seconds and then going from cild-to-child trying to brush their hair while they eat (which isn't fun for the brusher or the brush-ee).  Sacrament starts in 1 hour and I think, once again, we are going to be late.  I'm stressed, short on patience and feel like a jerk.  My husband?  He's in the bathroom, taking twice as long to get ready than me.  Probably sounds like a typical LDS family with lots of little kids, except for one thing.  These aren't my kids.  I've been in their lives for a little over a year and I have no idea what I'm doing.  I'm a new-step mom and I'd say I love it 25% of the time, like it 25% of the time, am neutral 25% of the time and struggle with/ hate it the other 25%.

There, I said it.

I have a friend who has been through a lot of the same trials that I have been through, only hers were worse and happened before mine.  I find that when I'm struggling with something, if I talk to her and ask how she handled it and how she feels now, I'm immediately comforted.  I don't know if there are other people in my situation but I have found that when I bluntly discuss (AKA complain) what I'm going through, I feel a mini release of tension and a little better.  There's also something about commiserating with other people, at least for me, where I don't feel so alone and can maybe hear some words of comfort. 

I am attempting to make this blog as anonymous as possible so I can be frank about my struggles without hurting my husband or childrens' feelings.  I must say, with the few LDS step-moms I've talked to, it feels so good to say that one of my step-kids is being a jerk and I struggle to love them, without feeling judged or horrible (even though I AM horrible).  I want to be a good step-mom but right now, I mostly want to survive without scarring any children and keeping my sanity.

#stepmom
#mormonstepmom
#mormonstepparent
#stepkids