Guess What? Heavenly Father Didn't Forget Me (duh, me!)

This last week has been so different from the last few months and I really think Elder Bednar's Talk quick started it.  My friend who suggested I listen to the Europe Sister's meeting was the friend I mentioned who seemed to go through harder trials than I have and when I need support her words and stories always comfort me.  I've said this to her and I'm sure I've written this, but in a weird way I'm glad she went through those trials.  No wait, that's not what I meant!  I am so grateful that when I have something I'm struggling with I was blessed with a friend who can show empathy and by sharing her experiences, my pain is lifted and I feel more peace.  I should send her flowers.

I feel so much closer to my Father in Heaven and I think writing about wanting to have a desire to be close to Him and telling those close to me I am struggling with this helped a ton.  Being honest that I didn't feel Him as of late and more than anything wanting those feeling back led to an outpouring of empathy, advice and council.  Thank goodness I admitted to it, because in all honesty, I felt really guilty and kind of horrible (as usual) about it.  I'm a return missionary and have never been inactive and yet I felt like I was just going through the motions of what I was supposed to do when it came to church stuff.  My testimony was intact and the thought of skipping church was never a question but I just didn't feel that spiritual connection I used to feel.  This connection was what used to allow me to feel joy and comfort even when I was sad.  It was like an armor that I had on constantly and usually didn't need but when I did need it, it kicked in and I felt immediate protection.

Struggling with infertility, finances, jobs, step-kids and ex-spouses had made me feel like prayers and fasting don't really work.  (I know, it's a wonder I haven't been struck down yet.)  I'm willing to do them and I haven't stopped praying but I just felt like they were useless.  (Again, I can't believe my computer hasn't exploded for writing these things.)  Thank goodness Heavenly Father is so patient with me and not only has He not struck me down but he's actually proved me wrong.  On Friday I did a session in the temple and before the session I wrote down some names for the prayer roll.  When I left the temple I had a text from one of those people out of the blue letting me know that things in life were looking good for them.  It made me want to cry.  Who cares if I'm not seeing results from my prayers, Heavenly Father blessing those I love seemed way more important and made me feel better than if He had answered ALL of my prayers.

But, He is aware of me and my little family.  We are in the process of renovating a house and at the moment 90% of our belongings are in storage. When we got the unit we were assigned to the second floor, even though there were slots open on the first floor.  I grumbled because it was more work waiting for the hot, stuffy elevator every time we loaded and unloaded.  Last week I received an email from our storage unit saying because of harsh rains the first floor had flooded and the first floor occupants had to move to the second floor.  I went to check out our unit just in case and the parking lot was full of moving vans and really angry people.  I saw as they carried out ruined paintings and furniture and a lot of their belongings were thrown away.  Suddenly I had a strong feeling that Heavenly Father was aware of me and He spared of us this because He was very involved in my life.  This little thing that I had complained about was now a huge blessing.

Also, last week, I had another friend come into town to just hang out and help me with everyday boring life.  She helped renovate the house we are working on, took care of the kids and made me laugh.  She herself is going through some crazy, hard trials and putting her life on hold to help me made me realize what a baby I was being and feel enormous gratitude for her and Heavenly Father.  I felt joy and things like reading the kids a story or taking them to a museum turned into something fun that we all enjoyed.  

And for the first time in a LONG time I started to look forward to seeing the kids.  Knowing I'd see them in 30 minutes made me smile like it used to in the old days.  Of course I still wasn't the perfect little step mom.  I lost it when our 5 year old, who has a problem with compulsive lying and bullying the youngest child, made the youngest cry and lied about it.  I try not to use the "H" word but I found myself yelling, 'I hate it when you lie!  Stop lying to my face!'  But, baby steps, right?  I'm excited to see them all today, even the liar.  The thing with this child is that they are #3 of 4 and completely forgotten (most of the time).  I think the lies and bullying comes from a desperation for attention.  I should be more patient knowing this, but I can only handle so much before I lose it.  I need more General Authority talks . . .  and ha! it's General Conference this weekend -- perfect timing.  Wait, was that another prayer answered?

I Can Empathize With Everyone Except My Step-Kids

I had a friend, who also happens to be a therapist, carefully tell me that they were surprised at my attitude towards my step-children, considering how I was brought up.  This friend told me that I had shared stories over the years of my childhood that absolutely broke their heart.  These were stories that I always tell matter-of-factly, without trying to garner sympathy, mostly out of entertainment.  I feel like I've made my peace with my past, maybe a little TOO much.

Every second of my life was spent knowing I was a step-child.  I was the only child from my parent's brief marriage and they both moved on to have their own families and I was somehow left in the middle.  I know how it feels to have a step parent look at you and feel their contempt, their annoyance that you exist.  It's not the best feeling.  I was very self-aware as a child and picked up on everything the adults in my life thought they were hiding so well.

How could I go through life as an unwanted step-child and then be so mean about my own step-children?  You'd think I'd be showering these kids with unconditional love, trying to make up for my own childhood.  My friend had a point and I also had answers.

We can start with the obvious, I'm a horrible, selfish person.  I think a dilemma a lot of step-parents have (if they're semi-decent) IS the guilt they feel at not being kind enough or loving enough towards their step-kids.  And in my opinion, this is already a step above the step-parents I had in MY life.  They never felt guilt, but actually felt justified in how I was treated.  I recognize that I'm not being Christ-like (patient, charitable, loving) to my step-kids when I'm disciplining them or losing it at them.  But I also have a desire to change and be more like the Savior.  It hasn't happened yet, but is something I work towards little by little.  My guilt lets me know that I'm not where I want to be yet and I am willing to work on it.  I DO think I'm horrible, but this also helps motivate me to be better.  It's a weird feeling raising kids with someone you love who sees these kids as perfect angels and you see them as wild devil children.  And, it feels miserable when your spouse, who you love so much, has sadness in their eyes because of something you've done to their kids (like yelling at them or criticizing them).

So does this experience give me more empathy for the adults who raised me?  Yes and no.  I get not having patience for kids that aren't biologically mine.  I understand how they felt.  Why they couldn't hide it better though, is not so cool.  The adults in my life never hid their feelings, nor did they bite their tongue.  I was told by one step-parent that this person couldn't wait until I was away with the Other parent, so that they could feel like a real family.  The funny thing was, I knew exactly how this step-parent felt and there was no need to verbalize it, really.  But, thanks for being so honest?  Hope YOU feel better now. . .?  When I compare myself to my step-parents I am very confident that I am already doing a much better job.  However, the bar was set so darn low, basically anyone who's not a total jerk would be better.

Also, my kids are SO completely different from me as a child.  I responded VERY quickly to discipline and learned from my mistakes.  I feared all four of my parents and if I got in trouble I made sure never to repeat anything even similar to that mistake.  Our children don't respond to ANY kind of discipline.  Yelling and time outs are like jokes to them.  Even consequences and trying to take toys away are met with an almost defiant attitude.  They have never said it, but I feel like they look at me and think, 'Go ahead, I have so many toys.'   Nothing sticks.  Nothing helps them progress towards better behavior.  Obviously, this isn't completely their fault.  They have years of being raised a certain way before I came into the picture and they don't have consistency in rules between our home and their other home.  It's like staring into a losing battle.  So does that help justify why I'm not a better step-parent?  Maybe, maybe not.

I look at my four step-kids and think, I can't relate to anything you're going through.  Their experience is so different from mine.  The parents in their lives are nothing like mine and their attitude towards adults and authority is so alien to me.  I was also a kid over 30 years ago and so much has changed in parenting.  My experience as a child, of fearing adults and being obedient, is now looked at as antiquated and wrong in a way.  Children are reasoned with and asked not to do things.  Push-over adults didn't exist in the 70s and early 80s and so when I see our children talk back to my husband it's something I can barely wrap my head around.  I'll watch as my husband is ignored after asking the kids to do something, so I turn into the meanie who chases the child, grabs them and says, 'Did you hear your father!? Do not ignore him!'

It's possible my style of parenting will lead my kids to hate me and demand therapy and that's valid.  We can start a savings account for it now.

In all honesty, I don't think I would have changed very much from my childhood.  I learned to enjoy alone time, in fact, I preferred it over almost anything.  I took care of myself and didn't need emotional support from another person to make me feel important.  When it came down to it, it was me and Heavenly Father.  He was the only person who was ALWAYS there to comfort me and make me feel loved and I did.  Don't think for a second I'm trying to make this sound like a pity party, I was confident and happy, especially when I left for college.  From my freshman year, until I got married, I always managed to feel peace and joy, even when I was sad.

I feel like my years as a step-child helped prepare me more for my years as a single LDS woman than for being a step-parent.  I think the one thing that I've lost that I need to get back is the closeness I felt to God.  Since getting married, I've felt like I'm 'survival mode,' like a chicken with its head cut off.  Needless to say, this isn't conducive to mediating with the Lord and feeling His hand in my life.  So I need to work on this and maybe the patience and love for my step-children will follow?

I've sort of felt forgotten by Heavenly Father as of late.  And if there's one thing I've learned in the church, it's that if I feel this way, it's all of me.

I was talking to a friend today about this feeling of being forgotten and they suggested I listen to some talks from the Europe Area Sisters Meetings.  Particularly the talks by Sister Hallstrom, Elder Hallstrom and Elder Bednar.  Elder Bednar's talk made me feel the Spirit so strongly I listened to it three times and just cried (good tears).  I loved his words about 'strengthening power' and for praying to be an Agent of the Lord and not just an Object (having no capacity of acting for yourself).  It reminded me that I have had moments over the last few years of feeling the Spirit, to the point where I couldn't deny God was real.  No miracles, no huge blessing, no grand gestures on His part, but He was there nonetheless.  I need to find a way to harness this in my life so it's a longer-lasting feeling.  Then maybe I'll be nicer and less horrible.   Maybe.

When It Comes to the Kids My Husband's Brain Turns to Mush

I don't think there are two more different mind sets than 'Those With Children' and 'Those Without Children.'  

I understand that my husband feels things that I cannot even comprehend for his children.  I've seen it.  They will be awful and disrespectful and even though he might get frustrated he just sees them through 'Parental Love Glasses' and deems certain things as endearing and child-like.  Where as I see them through 'Everyone Else's Glasses' and think they're being nightmares.

One example of Mush Brain: he will complain about other children and I have to bite my tongue to not say 'our kids are 10 times worse!'  I'm constantly asking them to not do  the same things over and over (like jump on the furniture) and I'm blatantly ignored and I think if he saw another child do this he'd be furious.  The worst part is, he knows his brain is mush and he stands by that as a parental right.  

Part of my frustration and our butting heads is that obviously I can't understand what it's like to have my own children but at one point my husband didn't have kids, so can't he place himself in my shoes as someone who was once childless?  Apparently not.  

I get it, having children is a life changing experience and hopefully one day I'll be able to experience that, but I really want my spouse's help.  But, how to approach the subject without offending him?  As soon as I reference something about the kids, whether it be neutral or remotely smacks of negativity, I can feel a defensive wall go up.  Suddenly it becomes him and his kids Vs. me, the step parent.  

My mom's advice (who was in my husband's place) is to ignore it completely.  She'll send me text messages when she knows I'm with the kids that say, 'Try to have fun' or 'Enjoy this hour with them.'   She's anticipating that they're being naughty and I'm at the end of my rope.  She's always right too because I feel like they ARE mostly naughty and I AM mostly out of patience.  

A friend of mine sent me THIS LINK from an advice columnist that helped put things in perspective.  The man writing in and was absolutely incredulous when he heard his second's wife's feelings for his children.  I loved that the advice writer scolded him and not his wife.  I also thought, good for the step mom for faking it so well!  My husband is aware of how I feel at times about the kids (listen, sometimes I adore/ like them - 50% of the time), so he can't plead ignorance, but I wish I had faked it earlier.  

It's basically a lose/ lose.  My husband has made it clear that he can't separate his feelings for his kids with common sense.  They are always going to be in my life and the last two years have shown me that their personalities are basically set in stone.  The youngest child is the only one who demonstrates a polite, obedient personality, very different from the other children (and this child is currently 3!  It's a huge miracle in my life, considering all I know about 3 YEAR OLDS).

When I was a mid-single I watched as women (who I was friends with or just knew in the ward) brains' turned to mush when they got engaged.  It wasn't as bad as parental mush brain but it was noticeably annoying.  I wasn't trying to be sour grapes, but I was surprised at how insensitive they were to us spinsters whom they were leaving behind.  It was like all their experience of being lonely or uncertain or even scared of facing the possibility of living alone forever was gone; they couldn't understand why we couldn't feel the same as them.  

I remember one RS lesson in the single's ward when the teacher was finishing her lesson, in tears, saying she was going to get married a week before her 31st birthday and how she was so grateful she made it to marriage before the mid-single cut off, as if that was the worst thing imaginable.  Only she forgot a good number of us sitting in that lesson were over 31, actually I'm sure she didn't forget because she knew all of us fairly well, but her brain just turned to mush.  She used phrases like, 'I thought the Lord had forgotten me' and 'I know the Lord answers prayers.'  Um, and did he forget the rest of us who were all clearly single?  Just pure mush.  

What that experience helps me realize is there's no reasoning with mush brain.  You can ignore the insensitive comments and pure stupidity or get mad with no solution in sight.  And if I do have my own kids one day, I will hopefully be able to remember what it's like for the rest of the world.  

I want my struggles to help me remember the other perspective.  So far I'm hopeful, as I feel more akin to mid-singles in our ward than the young married couples (I really try to avoid  excessive PDA in church).  

My husband keeps telling me I'll change as soon as I have kids and will forget the other side of things.  The horror!  That seems as bad as turning into a zombie (I'm not kidding)!  The thing with parental mush brain is that it only involves you and your children - so that everyone else in the world is wrong or just on the other side.  I pray that my family is blunt enough to tell me the truth if this ever does happen.  Thankfully, they are incredibly blunt and I also have this as a written account to hold myself accountable.    

Feeling Invisible to Your Spouse But Not the Step Kids

My husband and I had our first date in mid-July and from that night until the end of August, when we got engaged, I had never been happier.  However, had I known that once we got engaged the honeymoon period would end, I would have asked that we date for longer than 6 weeks.  Begged for it, actually.  

Those 6 weeks were the best of my life.  I was so happy to have found my EC (you know, Eternal Companion, the one I had dreamt about since junior year at BYU when all my single friends started to drop like flies but I stayed single?), I could barely eat or sleep or do any work.  And, I had never been so adored by anyone in my whole life.  He treated me like this fragile treasure that would break if anyone looked at me.  He carried anything I tried to pick up (even my purse, which I didn't care for - I didn't like seeing this big man carrying a small women's bag, but that's not the point. . .), I couldn't open doors because he was there first and when he opened them he always placed his hand on the small of my back to gently guide me in.  He always had his hand on me - my arm, shoulder or waist - in a really protective way.  It was heaven!  I'm from the West where woman are expected to work along side the men - if not work more than them.  He's from the South and was taught to be a true Southern gentleman.  Did I resent his behavior as possibly patronizing since I had been an independent woman for more than half my life?  No way!  I ate this up.

Once when we were still dating, "Child A," threw something heavy at my face (I don't remember why and now knowing "Child A" there might not have been a reason).  I ducked and before I could tell my husband it was OK, I saw his face fill with rage and he yanked the child outside for discipline.  My in-laws were there and quietly joked about not messing with my husband's 'Woman' - even if you're 6.    Obviously I felt horrible at the time, but now I think of this moment fondly.  Probably because I'm really messed up.  Also because I now feel invisible to my husband.  "Child A" will hit or throw things at me now and my husband's response is more like, 'You can handle it.'

I remember the first time I felt invisible to him.  We had been engaged for less than a week and took the 3 oldest children (at the time 6, 5 and 3) to an amusement park.  We let them ride a kiddie ride while we sat near by.  I sat on my husbands lap (I know, super annoying but I was still giddy-in-love) and we were joking and laughing when the ride ended and the kids started to walk towards us.  We were maybe 20 feet away and I assumed we'd let them walk to us and kept talking.  I know, I sound like a heartless, jerk step-mother, a true parent would be at the gate so the child wouldn't go 2 feet without a parent next to them.  My husband reacted like said parent and jumped up, literally knocking me aside and ran to them.  That's when reality started to set in.  Wait, I wasn't the only one my husband loved with all his heart.  Ugh, I'm horrible for even thinking that.      

It was also embarrassing for me and I told him so.  Not the best move.  First of all he didn't even notice his reaction, it was so ingrained in him.  In his mind, the ride ended and he stood up and assumed I did the same and went to the children.  He didn't notice that he had sprinted towards them and I was half way on the bench and half way off and THEN I stood up in shock and walked over to him with an angry look on my face.  He even accused me of making it up.  When I insisted that I did not make this up he grew impatient and then annoyed.  These were children!  What did I expect him to do, wait for them to come to us?  Um, yes, but I'm also really awful.

The next day it got much worse.

It was the first time the kids and I spent the weekend with him at his parent's house.  Space was tight at his parent's and before I came along, he would spend Friday evening, Saturday day and Sunday day with his kids but they didn't spend the night.  For some reason he thought it made perfectly good sense to have me and the kids there.  So, the next day my husband was hanging out with one child,  his brother and father and left me to tend to the other ones.  At first this seemed really fun, but after 2 hours (or when typical babysitting might end), I thought, 'Where is my fiancé?  Why hasn't he come to find me even to just say 'Hi?' and these kids are really disobedient.'  Then it hit me, my husband had what he wanted, he could stop the woo-ing and act normal.  I promptly left three little kids alone and went into the bathroom and cried.

His mother found me after a while (she probably  thought I was irresponsible and crazy for leaving them alone) and gave me a hug.  I didn't say a word but she told me that she knew how hard it was to be a mom and I was doing a good job and that my husband (to-be) loved me very much.  Yes, my mother-in-law is perfect and so closely tied to the Spirit she knows everything.  I tried to stop and say 'Thank you for reading the situation so well, and for saying the perfect thing,' but, instead I cried even harder.  Mostly because I caught a glimpse of my future and it felt hard and lonely.  I think his mom's hug was a tender mercy of sorts, identifying that this was going to be difficult and there would be people to help me feel better, but it wasn't going to stop and I might not get the help I wanted from my husband.

I want to tell you things got better but that wouldn't be true.  I told my husband that night how I felt and he was sorry he had left me alone for so long but we never went back to our 'sick-in-love' phase. I guess this is for the best, even I see photos from this brief time and roll my eyes.  But, it just felt so blissfully wonderful!  I thought we'd be those celebrity couples who make out in the middle of  restaurants and you think, 'Why didn't you wait 'til you got home?  You're famous and everyone can see you?'  Well, OK, we've never even kissed in a restaurant (I can do hand holding and cuddling in public but that's it).  But you know what I mean, just so freaking in love you walk on air and don't even notice.

This actually became a small fight for the next, oh, maybe 23 months.  Every few weeks I would hit a breaking point and tell him I needed his attention (because I'm selfish).  I needed compliments and affection - things I know he's capable of because I remember those 6 weeks from long ago (I bet he wishes I didn't).  Men and women are so different, and it's hard to work out the man's brain when you think with a woman's brain.  I guess that's why the first year of marriage is hard for everyone.

At this point you're shouting at me, 'But there are small children in the picture! Of course you don't get all your husband's attention when he was a father first! Duh!'  And, you would be correct.  However the abruptness of it all and the immediate change in my husband (fiancé at the time) was not what I had expected at all.  I don't fault him at all, obviously.  I know all the time and energy children suck out of you, leaving you a hollow shell (well at least that's how I feel as a step-parent, maybe biological parents feel better) and not feeling like yourself.  As soon as we get the kids it's like my husband and I both disappear and we become kid-ranglers to four wild children.  I signed up for this, so I can't complain, but I will anyway. . . .It's so hard!  And not fun!

My husband will drop the kids off on Sunday and come home and say things like, 'There you are!'  He thinks he's being charming but, for me it's too soon.  We can joke when we're grandparents and empty nesters.

So, now that I've complained a ton, I need to mention that the last 2 weeks have been so much better.

A few weeks ago I had a melt down with "Child A" that turned violent (child trying to hurt me, not me trying to hurt child but you know I wish I could have, and yeah I just said that) and I thought, 'I'm done.'  I wasn't giving the kids what they needed (a loving step-mom) and that meant I wasn't giving my husband what HE needed (a supportive, loving spouse) and I sure as heck wasn't getting what I wanted (I feel ridiculous saying 'needed').  After a several hour conversation, my husband patiently told me that he would do whatever it took and didn't try to argue with my selfish points.  Ugh!  That man is a saint sometimes.  He asked what I needed/wanted and I (horribly) said to not feel invisible.

I'm not proud of myself.  Being a step-parent is hard but I also think I'm too entitled with my role.  Like, 'Yeah, you have 4 small kids but I need attention too!'  I'm in my 30s!  And not my early 30s!  The only way I can justify this is (because I always need to justify how bad I am), entering  an already-made family is a shock and something that takes years to fully grasp.  You need to learn that a dynamic between a man and a women changes drastically when there are kids and the kids always win.  It's not easy and it doesn't seem to get easier, but hopefully I'll get tougher.

The last weekend we had the kids my husband helped comb hair before church, he helped to feed them during mealtime, he was parenting more intensely and I took a step back.  I helped too with them but, I also gave myself permission to check email or go upstairs and organize.   He was now the disciplinary and the one feeding them every 2 hours (they are Always hungry, or at least they say they're always hungry).  I ate my lunch while he served them lunch, which means for a good 30 minutes he was back and forth meeting all their demands while I quietly watched.  Usually the roles are reversed.  The best part was, he also found time to tell me I looked nice.  You don't even know how much this meant to me!

Don't worry, I recognize how horrible I sound and I DO plan on helping out more in the future.  I'll slowly go back to doing as much as I was doing before (by slowly I mean in a few weeks).  Stopping to tell me I looked nice when we had the kids made be instantly feel visible and like someone of important in his life.  It's funny how small things can make a world of difference and I'm so grateful he has been making such a huge effort without slacking off.  How demanding do I sound?  Very, very demanding.  Ugh!  I pray one day I'll be less selfish.  The good news is, we'll never be that  obnoxious couple who's so gooey in love you want to puke.

Step Parenting a Child with Behavioral Issues / Mental Disabilities or How to be Just Horrible

Is it fair to say you've reached an all time low when you let an 8 year old's comments make you cry?

When I met my husband's oldest child, let's call them "Child A," this child was 6 and immediately I knew there was something different about them.  "A" was on the same level with the 3 year old child (Three! My Favorite Age!) socially and behaviorally.

It's interesting to observe a parent so closely, as I do with my husband, I can see how differently he loves each child in a completely unique way to that child.  "Child A" is not the favorite (there are no favorites) but, they are the child who receives the most special treatment, the one my husband spends the most time fretting over, making sure "A" never feels too ostracized.  It's exhausting and can be frustrating at times.  "Child A" does not make ANYTHING easy.

Right now you're thinking, 'You big jerk, this is a child with special needs and you're complaining?!'  Why, yes, I am.  When I first met "A" I, too felt overprotective and a great, natural love for them.   However over the last 2 years, I have been worn down from loving to barely tolerate.  I see this child manipulate and control situations like a 3 year old on steroids.  I see our whole family bend over backwards for "A" and "A" just wants even more.

When I first met "Child A" I was sure they had some form of autism and I researched about the subject and felt like I could help "A."  However after months of elaborate tests and meetings with doctors and therapists the official diagnosis was that "A" does not fall on the autism spectrum and is not mentally retarded.  Which means "Child A's" issues are behavioral as opposed to mental.  Which made my tolerance level drop immediately.

"Child A" is perfectly sweet until they want something or want to do something and are told 'no.'  Then "A" morphs into a little monster, complete with tantrums and violence.  These range from  ridiculous ("I want a Christmas Tree" in September) to, in my opinion, spoiled ("I want my own puppy," when at the Ex's house they have a family dog and cat and we bought this child their own bird and fish).  Then, without fail, it starts: the whining which leads to tears which leads to trying to run away or kick, spit or hit.

I have had about 6 melt downs with this child (when my husband wasn't there) where I am often trying to hold down "A" and I'm the one crying.  When "Child A" was 6, I could constrain them but now at age 8, "A" is too large in stature (and it doesn't help that I'm small and weak) for me to physically stop.  I have been overpowered by "A" on more than one occasion.  Very demeaning moments for me, like the one in the chapel during a sacrament talk where I fell over the child, feet up, dress up, on the floor (my husband was in the hall with the baby).

"Child A" has no self control and will eat until sick, but if you attempt to curtail the portions or say 'No, you can't have thirds,' there will be a fight.  My husband will cave and "A" has eaten so much they have vomited later that night.  I then turn into the mean one, the disciplinary who looks like they are starving a poor child.  This has been my role since I started dating my husband and it's basically The Worst.

Thank goodness for therapy.  I spoke with a therapist who had some basic advice, so basic I wanted to punch myself for not thinking about of it first.  The first is: 80% of the time a child does not need to be disciplined right at that moment, especially if I have lost control of myself in that moment.  I can let the child know they've done something wrong and it will be addressed, just not right then.  The second was that I don't have to be the disciplinary.  If my husband isn't there at the time of the incident, I can let the child know their father is going to handle it when he gets home.  When he does get home I also need to briefly talk to him about my expectations of what should happen since I was the adult present.  But, in the end, he is the biological father and I also need to respect his decision.

However, all this and my common sense went out the window last night.

Look, I know I'm the adult and a child is a child, but sometimes their comments hit at the core and break my heart, even when they don't mean to hurt me.  It's not something I'm proud of.  Not letting their remarks hurt is something I'm trying to correct all the time, it's on my 'To Do List' right after exercise 3 days a week and quit dairy.   My achilles heel is when the kids talk about any time when 'mommy and daddy were married' or wishing that daddy was still married to mommy.  I know! Not their fault and I need to be a grown up and smile lovingly and think, 'Poor dears, of course they don't mean to slight me, they just hurt.'  Do I do that?  Heck no!

Last night we finished with dinner and were going to drop the kids off at their mother's house.  "Child A" protested that they didn't want to go and when my husband asked why, "A" responded with, "I don't want you to not be married to Mommy!  I want you and Mommy to get back together and you live with us!"  My husband tried to quiet "A" but "A" kept going and then the 5 year old started in on not wanting mommy and daddy to be broken up anymore.  I wanted to turn around and snap, 'Then you should have told your mommy that when she was sleeping with her boyfriend!" or something along those lines.  You know: Your mother did this, stop torturing your dad and disrespecting me.  Anyway, I had spent an evening watching the kids, ordering their food, setting it up for them and making sure they were comfortable, especially "Child A" and I was worn out.  Now our time together was ending and all "A" cared about was 'Getting the band back together' (more or less).

I was so upset by these comments, and I started to feel tears well up, so I got out of the car and told my husband to drop them off and I would take a walk.  Thank goodness he let me.  I needed to remove myself from the situation and calm down and reason with myself.  If tests show this child doesn't have mental disabilities, then that means this child operates on a level of selfishness which is off the charts.  This child is completely unaware of anyone else around them and can't comprehend why they can't get everything they want when they want, or even worse, say what they want whenever they want regardless of the audience.  No matter how much I do or care for "Child A," I need to figure out how to accept that it will never be appreciated or mean that much to "A."

So I'm still trying to figure it out.  Where does this child truly fall in the realm of disabilities?  Surely, it has to be more than behavioral when the child eats and reasons like a 3 year old?  Can I just tell all those tests to 'Buzz off, you REALLY botched this diagnosis?'  Does the official diagnosis really hold so much weight with my own mental reasoning?  Apparently it does, which is ironic because I grew up being told meditation would cure a headache and I still half-way believe this.

Me getting out of the car to clear my thoughts really affected my husband too.  For once, I felt like he understood how hurt I feel when "Child A" is insensitive to me.  When he picked me up he was visibly upset for me and felt truly sorry.  In the past I think he would have been more calloused in his response to me; you know, 'Get over it!  These are children!'  But I think last night was a changing point for both of us, and maybe that's why we had this experience (my immature reaction and all).

I'm still in the midst of trying to work out my feelings for "Child A."  I would be the world's biggest jerk if I couldn't forgive and forget this incident (well, I am the world's biggest jerk anyway for even complaining about an 8 year old with special needs).  There are certain limits that I can't control: I can't control the amount of time I spend with "A" (sometimes I think more time would help), I can't control any chemical or emotional unbalance in this child's brain, and I can't control how this child feels (wanting mom and dad back together is perfectly natural, I saw 'The Parent Trap' staring Hayley Mills).  Right now, prayer seems to be my biggest ray of hope.  I can't change "A" and to change myself I need to be humble and pray all the time.  And therapy.  Lots of therapy.

Be Careful What You Wish For - You Might Get Married

This sounds bad, right?  Let me explain!  No, maybe it is bad, because this is what I usually tell my #midsingle friends when they say they really want to get married.  Listen, in the end,  I wouldn't change one thing.  Marrying my husband in my mid-30s meant marrying into a situation with children and an Ex wife.  It also meant I got to work and travel and buy expensive juice and cheese and it would last me weeks, not just one sitting (my husband eats so dang much).  I went to whatever movies I wanted without thinking twice: foreign, boring documentaries, stupid long ones that I wanted to see just for the cinematography.  I had a good life and I was overall happy.  But those moments of thinking, I'm not complete or missing out, especially as an LDS woman, did creep up and they could be paralyzing.

 That all changed in a very short time.  I mean, VERY SHORT.  After 6 weeks of dating, my husband and I got engaged.  I know, we're crazy, and I thought this sort of thing only happened at BYU (because I saw it happen there all the time).  However, I had never dated someone where it felt so right; where there was NO question in my mind that this was my future spouse.  And the next thing I knew, I was engaged, a soon-to-be step parent and also not the first wife on the scene.  I suddenly felt like I was drowning and I knew it would only get worse and it did! (and 'no' it wasn't because I was 'awful-izing' - I tried to be positive everyday).  I tried to postpone the wedding when I saw that my fiancé still had photos of his Ex on his Facebook page with comments like 'You're smoking hot.'  To me this was a sign that he wasn't ready for a second wife - he still hadn't eliminated the first one from social media - and most of their photos still looked like they were married.  To him this was because Facebook and social media were inane and he barely visited these sites anymore, so any photos left up were due to sheer forgetfulness.

Ugh, Facebook.  It seems like such a good idea and then you get married to someone with an Ex-wife and you want to start a new life with this person but there are all these photos and messages that blatantly remind you that you were not there first.  Generally speaking, I think FB is very different for men and women.  My husband is the first to remind me that nothing on social media is real - the smiles, the forced poses, the flattering lighting.  And I know he's right - I've posted so many photos of us looking like a perfect blended family who are SO happy - but I still forget when it comes to other people.  

I thought when I was single that life would feel more stable once I got married.  Everyone told me it was hard and I believed them but if you could go through life as a duo wouldn't it make you stronger and problems easier to conquer?  Perhaps, but not when you marry into kids and an Ex-spouse.  I have never felt more unstable or unsure of how things will turn out as a married person.  Again, I wouldn't change a thing - I don't want to be married to anyone else.  But I know that these trials are going to stick around for a long time and it's possible they could get worse.  Over the last two years I have used the phrase, 'Well, things can't get any worse, which means things are only going to get better!'  And I naively believed this, even though things Always managed to get worse.  The good news is, I have found out that I'm capable of more trials than I ever imagined (yay!).    

Of course, I did have a mental breakdown one night after a very intense fight with the Ex that left me in such a state of shock I was comatose for 2 hours.  That was a fun one.  I'm not sure if I could have moved if I wanted to, but my brain told me it would hurt less if I didn't move or respond to life so I didn't.  It actually felt very peaceful in my little shell but it did terrify my husband who  almost took me to the hospital.  One priesthood blessing later I came out of it but was so enraged at the fight (I felt like my husband threw me under the bus) that I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to look at my spouse for a good 12 hours.  Real stable, huh?  Not things you'd imagine feeling or experiencing as a single person.

So why am I sharing such seemingly awful stories and insight?  Just so you know, I'd probably still encourage most people to date and marry someone with kids and an ex-spouse (just be prepared for a possible hard time).  No, all this came about after I posted about infertility.

I got to waterski the other day.   Yes, that seems random and a bit like a non sequitur, but hear me out.  I don't know what it's like to be 100% responsible for a baby - from what I hear it's Really hard and exhausting.  And, maybe I'll have one and maybe I won't but in the meantime I need to appreciate every gosh darn moment I have in life.   If I can go waterskiing (on a day we don't have the kids) without thinking twice, that's a pretty good thing.  If I can stay up late watching movies (action and comedies, of course) with my husband on weekends when we don't have the kids and then sleep in the next day, that's a luxury I need to relish.

Good times are usually best appreciated after they pass and sometimes when you are going through rough times.  It's hard to sit back and think, THIS right HERE is a good thing, I need to remember this feeling for later when things might stink.  Ohhh wait, is this what people call living in the moment?  It's so much harder than it sounds, especially with kids, and even more especially with step-kids.  Last night I had a milkshake for dinner.  One huge Oreo milkshake and since I had this post on my mind, I savored every last unhealthy drink and it made me really happy.  Yes, I had a stomach ache later and I totally abandoned my diet, but in the moment I was happy and right now as I think back on it, it seems like heaven, especially since I'm only eating salad today.

Struggling with Infertility + Step-Parenting = Not Fun

I have watched many people close to me struggle with infertility and they always seemed so positive or they acted like it wasn't a big deal, just one of those things that happens.  For 18 months we have been trying to get pregnant and I am now in awe of those people.  It is heart breaking and frustrating and every month you go through the same hope, even as you feel PMS creep up, and then sadness.  When people ask me if I want my own children, since I have four already, I always politely smile and say, 'Yes.'  However, when family or friends ask, I have less dignity and tell them 'Yes! and it's not happening and this is really hard!'

When my husband and I first got married, I thought, 'Well, if I can't have my own children I don't want to pursue intense fertility treatments, I'll just accept that it's not meant to be.'  My husband even seemed to like this idea.  I thought that my feelings for my step-children would meet any motherly desire.  And you know what, they might in the end because I don't know what's going to happen in the future.  But right now, today, after 18 failed attempts, I am struggling.  

I was almost 35 when we got married and I knew it was possible my age could be an issue but I also thought in the back of my head, 'But I'm sure I can get pregnant.'   When it didn't happen the range of emotions started with disappointment, melancholy and then worst of all, feeling like a failure.  Irrational as it may be, I felt like a failure for not producing a child, especially since my husband tried 4 times and had 4 kids with his Ex (the Ex even had a child with her boyfriend, so this lady apparently can't Not get pregnant).  Sobbing on the bed became a monthly ritual that I did in secret.  

Loving and sweet as my husband is, he just didn't understand what I was going through.  He and I were is completely different worlds.  He was a father to 4 young children who were VERY close in age, so his parental needs were met (and then maybe exceeded) at an early age and he had 8 years of intense parenting under his belt.  He had experienced pregnancy and child birth as a parent and raising a child from infancy on and he was still exhausted from it.  The thought of starting ALL over again wasn't as appealing and I don't blame him.  After a weekend with the kids I'm so tired I want to cry and I can't believe people do this and survive without having breaks.  But I still want this for myself (I guess I hate sleep and date nights).  

As months went by and still no baby, my emotions turned to frustration, impatience and resentment.  I felt forgotten by Heavenly Father and slowly I started to take it out on the children.  Not in an abusive way, Obviously, but I snapped at them more, I became stricter but not more loving and I had no patience.  As soon as they arrived at our home I would find something to be angry about (literally spilt milk, and Yes! I know what they say about spilt milk! ugh!) and I felt justified in my snappy mood.  My husband confronted me about a month ago, asking what was wrong because I was treating the children so differently.  I knew I was but I had no explanation.

In the past when I had problems with needing more love for the kids I would just pray for it and this always worked.  I was now on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father every night to give me more love and nothing was happening.  In my heart I wanted to be my old, patient self, I wanted to change, but I felt like my prayers were being ignored as I grew even MORE impatient.  

This wasn't fair to my husband or the children.  I have never felt more out of control of my emotions and I needed help.  So, recently I met with a therapist (more than once) and had some deep, personal revelations.  The most important being this: my snappy temperament wasn't because the kids were naughty, it was deeper than that, I was angry at God for not blessing me with a child and taking this out on the kids.  As soon as we had this breakthrough I felt awful because it was spot on.  I really AM a horrible person!  Yes, the kids are hyper and naughty at times but they needed someone who didn't yell or lose it over small things.  I had become the wicked stepmother and they still loved me!  Don't worry, I want to kick myself everyday.    

What to do now?

Well, yesterday was better.  Recognizing that I have become grouchier and why has helped a ton.  When I felt myself getting impatient, I could step back and think, is this really something bad or am I taking out my frustrations on this child?  Or as soon as my voice started to get louder I could stop and think, 'could I whisper this and get the same result?'  (the answer was always Yes).  I see that this could be something I have to continually work on, maybe forever, but it makes me happier and I know it makes my husband and the kids happier.  

As far as infertility, I don't know what will happen.  There are so many women who aren't able to have children and their lives go on, in fact I bet a lot of them have figured out how to be truly happy.  I have no right to demand or expect a biological child from my Heavenly Father.  Everyone has trials and some are heart breaking and some never go away, I just need to remember it's how I handle them that matters to God.  But do you know what also helps? Hearing about some Hollywood actress who had a baby in her mid-40s.  

Boundaries, Boundaries and More Boundaries

One thing I wish I had done right when my husband and I became serious was set up boundaries between us and the Ex.  I was in that phase where I was just so happy to be with the man I loved and some strange lady was not going to have any affect on me.  Silly me.

The first time I met the Ex, my now-husband didn't even introduce us and I didn't know who she was (I should have studied her better from FaceBook - isn't that what social media is for?).  It was a strange interaction: we met her to get the kids and she didn't introduce herself, they were trading kids from one car to the next, and before I realized what was going on she was gone.  My husband later told me he was so nervous and so anxious about the meeting that he didn't know what to do.  That's fair.  Plus, he and I had only been dating a few weeks and although we knew we were serious, this was something we weren't ready to share with his Ex and the kids yet.

The problem for me was that my husband and the Ex wanted things to be as seamless as possible for their four children (which sounds like wonderful parenting and makes me completely horrible, which I am). This meant the Ex would walk into my In-Laws home (where my spouse was living) without knocking or announcing herself and comb through the rooms looking for the kids.  My In-Laws and I would be sitting on the sofa or talking in the kitchen and she wouldn't acknowledge us.  One moment I would be laughing with my soon-to-be new family and so happy and the next thing I would see is the Ex bursting through the door calling the kids' names and collecting their things.  It was always unsettling, like a punch to the gut.  To me it felt like a power thing - SHE was here first, these were HER kids, I'm the outsider, not her.  True, these could be all created within my mind's eye, but then again if you knew her and her history (a controlling person who had to assert her dominance over EVERYONE), this would be spot on.

I felt obligated to quietly go along with the situation.  One evening my husband and I were cuddled on a twin bed with one of the kids with the door closed, the next thing I knew the door flew open and she was in the room just staring.  She had come earlier than planned to get the kids and wanted them in the car that second.  Awkward?  Yes, yes it was.  Did I protest?  No.  I thought I was being the 'chill girlfriend'  and I told myself these things didn't bother me.  But they did.  A lot.

Now two years into this relationship (and 21 months into our marriage) I feel like we are barely at a place where I am comfortable.  And yes, it's ALL about me.  Just kidding, but as this is my blog, it kind of is.  Look, I know I sound super selfish but I view my life as 'our new family life.'  I want to create a stable, peaceful life and home for our new family (and hopefully that will involve children of our own).  Yes I agreed to step-mother but I did NOT agree to having my life controlled by an unhappy woman (meaning the Ex, not me, although I sound really unhappy, huh?).  Yes I want the kids to have a stable environment where they are shielded from the sadness of divorce as much as possible but that will never happen with me feeling 'less than' or as a 'peripheral' person in the lives of the children (the Ex actually used this word to describe me).  I need to feel like I have some control over my own life, which now includes my husband and four little kids.

When all this began, I wish I had had someone there who could have told me that creating a peaceful home does not mean becoming a doormat.  That it's OK to tell the Ex 'no' on occasion.  My husband was so worried about offending her or upsetting her (she has been known to take out her anger on the kids) that we catered to her every whim.  She's an adult, I don't know why we had to treat her like a temperamental baby (well, I do. . . ).  I know my husband was new at figuring all of this out but he was advised by her and some other people to not make waves to the point where the Ex felt comfortable still inserting herself into our private life.

Here is what I would have done differently:
Listened to my gut more and spoke up when something bothered me. 
Example: We went to the youngest child's 1st birthday party when we were dating at their old house where she was now living with her boyfriend and she called my husband 'Daddy' and when he sat down she fixed him a plate of food.  My gut told me this party was a huge mistake to begin with.  I would have said 'Heck no we're not going to a party at your old house with your Ex and her married boyfriend!'  but, I didn't think I had a say in such things.  This wasn't about my husband and his child (the kid was 1 - they didn't even know how to eat their own cake), this was about the Ex and my spouse and her family feeling like everything was OK.  Guess what, it's NOT OK - you two need to face the facts that both of your actions have led to hurt so don't create ridiculous situations where everyone feels weird just to save face.  Of course, I wouldn't have said it like that.

Let my husband know when we were dating that I didn't want him doing things in his old house (where the Ex, her married boyfriend and the 4 kids lived) - it made me uncomfortable.  Had I done that than he and I would not have spent a night babysitting in his old house for 4 hours while the Ex and her boyfriend went to a concert.  Four hours of staring at their old family portraits that hung all over the house (why the boyfriend didn't ask for those to come down is beyond me - they had no problem taking down the huge portrait of the Savior. . . .).  It made me sick to my stomach and I had a pounding headache by the end of the night.  If a divorcee is bringing a new spouse into the picture, that new spouse needs to feel comfortable in this new awful situation they are agreeing to.

Basically it all comes down to valuing how I feel and if I feel uncomfortable or sick about something the Ex is doing (that involves us) tell my spouse and ask him sweetly to change it ASAP. When my husband and I were dating and he lived with his parents, the Ex used to send two of the children with 'security blankets' that were her garments.  Symbols and all.  I told my husband to ask her to not send her underwear over when we had the kids but he refused and said it made him uncomfortable.  However, it made me so angry and More Uncomfortable than him (guaranteed) that I finally had to confront her after a few months.  I still hold a bit of chip on my should that my spouse wouldn't put a stop to the scenario but I have eternity to work this out on my own.  If I could go back in time I would have sat him down and calmly explained that this was Very Important to me and he needed to confront it and if not, I would but I would be disappointed.

I know newly divorced people don't even want to think about Boundaries - because this means it's real and this could hurt the kids, but if you plan on bringing a new spouse into your lives you must value that spouse more than your Ex spouse.  The sooner you establish boundaries the sooner you can build your new life in peace, which I think in the long run will help the kids more.  It might not be fun, but if the new spouse is content than it's easier for them to accept their new life and then slowly build a cordial, maybe even friendly relationship with the Ex one day.

I hope I progress to one day being happy when I see the Ex (really!), but when that happens it will be my decision and not one I have been bullied or forced into.

Obvious Rule #2: Don't Tell Your Spouse They've Ruined Your Life

Why I even have to write this one out just truly shows how horrible I am.

OK.  I know I wasn't forced into this marriage so really, if anything, I ruined my Own life.
Just kidding, my life wasn't ruined.  I'm an adult and I knew what I was getting myself into.  OK, that's a lie - I had NO idea what I was getting myself into but I was warned by everyone that it would be difficult.  And I knew it would be the hardest thing I had ever done.  I also knew this is what God wanted me to do; there was no doubt that this is what He wanted.  However, once I was in the thick of it I had so many moments when I thought, 'This is more than I can handle.'

Being married and a step-parent has changed me, and so far, not for the better.  It's taken my joie de vivre (sorry to sound pretentious but I really did have this), whatever small amount of beauty I had (grey hair, lifeless eyes, dead smiles . . . it's a wonder my husband can even concentrate when I'm around) and my sense of humor.  When we have the kids I'm in 'survivor mode' only, which translates to, 'I'm mean ALL the time.'

Someone once told me, a few months after we were married, that my husband had been given blessing after blessing since meeting me while I have had trial after trial since meeting him.  I know, this is so arrogant but I didn't say it, and I'm trying to make a  super selfish point, which is: since getting serious with my husband my life has been sacrifice after sacrifice and it's tiring and exhausting and frustrating.  (PS It warmed my heart when this person told me this, I felt like someone was on my side and recognizing that this was a very hard path I had chosen.)

The problem is, instead of handling it quietly like a lady, I told him a less harsh version of this.  He his reaction was more of anger and said that he had to sacrifice too.  And maybe he has.  I'm not the fun girl he once dated and I'm certainly not as cute and when we dated all I did was talk about how I was going to love these children to pieces.  I thought I would.  I also thought they'd be better behaved and that the Ex Wife wasn't going to cross boundaries and tell us when and where we were all going to move and send my husband texts about inside jokes they had when they were married that had nothing to do with the kids.

But I know I was in the wrong for expressing how I felt.  This goes back to just wanting to tell him, my BFF, Everything.  Except I hadn't thought this through at all because I was also telling this man I loved something really negative about himself.  Yes, he had made choices that had brought him to this point with these people in his life but, like I said before, I wasn't forced into this marriage.  I knew the Ex had a reputation for being, um, shall we politely describe it as 'unstable?'  I knew the kids demanded constant attention and didn't process discipline.  And I knew I had married such a sweet man, that if his Ex did cross boundaries he didn't care because nothing really upset and he didn't have any feelings for the Ex (positive or negative which is actually the best way to be).

Trials (for us as a couple and by myself) have been plentiful and the blessings have been pretty small and scarce but, it's not all about good times and that certainly doesn't mean my life has been ruined.  I really felt like Elder Uchtdorf was talking to me when he have his talk this last General Conference.  Grateful in Any Circumstances.

Actually, I felt like SUCH a jerk when I heard his talk!  I need to be grateful and for goodness sake stop thinking my life is ruined.  I also need to stop expecting blessings or more specifically, demanding happy times.  Like I mentioned before, life is about progressing and something that involves pain and suffering.  There have been small moments of happiness too, I'm not completely devoid of smiles or joy.

3 Year Old Kids are Hard / 3 Year Old Step-Kids are a Nightmare

When I met my Husband his kids were 6, 5, 3 and 0 (ok, 10 months, but 0 sounds better).  The 3-year-old was affectionate and pretty cute and I thought, 'this child is going to be so easy to love!'  Wrong.

When I was a mid-single, I once offered to babysit as a prize for a Relief Society auction.  The sister who won had 4 kids and the youngest was 3 and when I was babysitting I was convinced the 3-year-old was possessed by Satan.  He was not only belligerent but violent.  His older siblings just ignored him and were really helpful to me and this kid just seemed like the odd-man out.  I know now from my awesome 2 years of experience that he was probably seeking attention and felt confused and left out - but even with this as an excuse - he was a complete terror/jerk/ idiot.  The next day I was talking to a friend who had a ton of kids to ask her if it was possible that this child was demon spawn.  No, she said, something happens when they turn 3 and they leave you and go into this really difficult stage but they'll come back to you after a year.  She was so zen about it.  I tucked this away for the next time someone asked me to babysit and if a 3-year-old was involved, I'd decline.

Now here I was with a soon-to-be step child who was in the middle of being 3 and this child was a complete psycho.  I couldn't stand this child.  I'd think of the scriptures when the Savior said in Matthew (18:6) "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that we were drowned int he depth of the sea."  I am NOT trying to make light of the Savior's words but I kept thinking, does this apply to me?  This child is nightmare and all I want to do is spank this child (NOTE: I have Never physically disciplined the children and I never will.)  Children in the scriptures were supposed to be our examples and they were going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom, not me.  But, did the Savior really know how awful kids could be?   Again, I'm not making a joke of His words, I genuinely struggled with this - like with tears and prayers.

I had seen my nieces and nephews and friends' kids have mini tantrums which, I get it, are normal.  But this child was manipulative and would hurt their older and younger siblings (as much as a puny 3 year-old could, I guess).  I wanted justice and progress and I was getting neither.  My husband would baby the child when they were being extra naughty and the child's behavior seemed to get worse.  I felt like I was in Crazy Town.  Did no one see what this little jerk was doing and saying?

Luckily, when the child hit 4 I noticed a change in behavior that had me thanking Heavenly Father in my prayers (literally).  I have since noticed though, this child is naughtier than the others and my husband thinks this is still cute, but I have my eye on them.

When the child is yours (adopted or birthed) you have a history with them, you've seen them go from helpless baby to curious toddler and then turn into a little devil child, so it's easier to remember the adorable times and remind yourself this is just a phase (hopefully).  When you're thrown into it - you want to pull your hair out and just be mean back to the kid.

I survived by removing myself from the situation (I used to leave the room all the time, especially at bedtime or nap time).  And reminding myself of my friend's words, that this was a phase and they'll come back to you when they hit 4.  And now we have another child hitting 3 and I can already see this child leave us and slowly creep into their own version of Crazy Town.  It's not easy but it is SLIGHTLY better, especially since this child was a really good 1- and 2-year-old.  And I pray a lot for very specific help; 'help me to remember this is just a phase and to be patient and love this child because this is really hard.'  

Obvious Rules #1: Don't Criticize the Kids

Never.  Ever.

I know, I know, this seems so obvious but I mess up on this all the time!
The thing is, my Husband and I are truly best friends who tell each other everything.  I feel so comfortable with him and sometimes I feel weird if I even withhold information.  So if there is something that bothers me or upsets me or I notice about the kids I tell him.  And it Never goes well.

There was a time when I literally repeated a criticism he said himself and I was met with an icy glare.  There are two times when he and I don't sync up in life and one is when I say something that even smacks of negativity about the kids, the other is when we discuss why the heck he'd ever marry his first spouse (more on that later).

My mom was a step-parent and her children were raised by a step-parent - so she's been on both sides.  She warned me that if I say anything that might sound like a criticism he will quietly hold it against me and later resent me.  I'm not sure if he'd do that (he's very transparent and forgiving) but I see her point.  I just need to remember it for goodness sake!

My husband and I were once talking about some friends who have really annoying kids.  I made the comment that they didn't even know their kids were awful but he said, 'no, they know.'  However, I have moments where I think OUR children and the worst ever but he thinks it's just kids being kids and I'm sure it endears him to them even more.  I don't think parents can ever step out of the situation enough to see that, 'Hey, my kids are total jerks.'  And I'm sure when I'm a parent I'll be the same way and think my super miserable kids are perfect.  However, at the moment I'm in a unique position (as I think most step-parents are) where I can sit back and see out kids being idiots but I still love them and am committed to them.  It's also very frustrating.  Having to keep quiet when I know and everyone around me knows these kids are being monsters.

So what helps?  Venting to someone who isn't my husband.

Talking to my parents helps immensely!  They love their new grandchildren and have bonded so quickly with them (huge, HUGE blessing - see! I recognize blessings too) but they also can sit back and see things that ideally would be changed or worked on.  So far they have 11 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren and they raised 5 children, so I trust their opinion and just plain love it when they say things like, 'they are the most entitled children we have ever met.'  I felt that for months but wasn't sure if I was just being horrible or if it was a true observation.

I also love when my friends with and without kids reassure me that my kids aren't THAT great.  From day one I have been surrounded by the opinion (from my husband and in-laws) that our children are perfect.  They are allowed to say what they want, destroy what they want, eat what they want when they want and are rewarded with compliments and hugs.  Could I sound more horrible?  Probably not, but I'm sure I will later.

This is something I need to continually work on (just last week I messed up on this rule), and hopefully I'll be able to hold my tongue so well it won't even be a struggle.  It's just so strange to be married to someone who I tell everything to but have to keep this one thing, that is actually a HUGE thing that has taken over my life, to myself.  But I'll do it and hopefully get better at it.

Most Unrewarding Job Ever: Step Parent

Let's be honest, being a step-parent is horrible.  I know parents who are raising their kids with a step-parent/ spouse might think they're in Just as hard a position but they're not.  They have the genetic make-up that allows them to love their kids even when the kids are being little jerks and the kids will always be theirs.

A step parent is expected to love and care for kids that aren't theirs but pretend that they are.  Tucking our (at the time) 3 year old into bed after feeding her dinner, getting her changed and reading her a story (things I do out of duty - I'm not at the point where this is a 'joy') she looked at me and said, 'You're not my Real Mommy, you're a Step Mommy.'  Thanks, little one, I had totally forgotten as I looked at your face that is the spitting image of your mother and has no resemblance to my husband - let alone myself.  I wanted to say, 'Well let's just call your mom who cares so much about family and she can do all this work and put up with your irrational temper tantrums while I go to a movie.  Oh wait, she broke up your family so she could marry a rich, old man who was also married, maybe she's not the best person to do this also.'  But, instead I gritted my teeth and barely spout out, 'I know, sweetie, and I love you so much.'  I believe this is referred to as, 'Fake it, 'til you make it.'

I guess it doesn't help that I'm not a kid person.  I love my nieces and nephews, and some of my friends' kids I love so much it hurts.  But, a stranger walking down the street with a child?  I could care less about them.  Random kids are not my thing.  And little jerk kids are even worse.  Not that my step-children are jerks all the time - they're probably the normal amount of kid-jerk but since I didn't make them, have any genetic tie to them or have any say in how they were shaped, when they are jerks I want to scream.

It took almost a year from when I met them before they started to regard me as an authority figure.  They weren't being obstinate, it was more like they didn't hear me, like my mean voice didn't register.  And one thing I learned about kids, is when they seem like they're ignoring you, chances are they aren't - they just aren't listening and it's not processing as a message.  As opposed to me, when I hear them and ignore them, I'm hearing everything but I am choosing not to respond.  Because, I, too am a jerk. But I'm an adult jerk and it's different.

Maybe it gets better?  I'm only two years into this scenario (I met my husband in June of 2012 and the kids in August of 2012), so I am still a novice.  Sometimes I think it's improving and then all of a sudden it seems to worsen.  But do you know what would help immensely?  Recognition.  I know, that sounds like a selfish answer (because it IS a selfish answer) but when I get recognized by my parents or friends or in-laws it makes me blush and I want to be better.  And when I get it from my husband?  It feels like heaven.  I'm sure to my spouse he thinks he's constantly praising me, but from my perspective it's barely enough and since I'm the one being a bigger baby I think I should win and he should praise me even more.

I JUST realized that makes me sound like Satan (I want all the glory, etc. etc).  Here's my defensive answer to myself about that . . . the children are years and years from saying a sincere 'thank you' and at my rate of being so selfish - they might NEVER say 'thank you.'  I think being a mom is incredibly unrewarding but you still have your special motherly love for your children and them for you.  Having an unrewarding task like step-mom and not receiving or feeling that love makes me feel empty and like I might go a little insane everyday.  I don't take meds (yet.  Yet.) so for now, to get me through the weekends or nights with the kids, I need a compliment and a 'thank you.'  Hopefully I will grow out of this (I know my husband would appreciate this), but for now, this is what I need to survive.

Merging My Single Self with My Married Self

So, from what I've heard, the first year of marriage is the toughest.  For me, it was the first year and a half (maybe kids and an ex-wife take an extra 6?).

In the church, being categorized as a 'Mid-Single' is not the best.  There were some moments when I felt like a leper, like when I was asked by a church leader if I was 'too cool' for marriage.  ('No, I'm just not attractive enough for the guys in my ward but, thanks for asking.').  However, my years in the family ward, after 17 years in a singles ward, were far more spiritually fulfilling than in the singles ward (sorry guys, it's true).  I carved out my niche as a lone person surrounded by families and married couples and I felt fine.  In fact, I felt really good.  Sure I wanted to get married but I wasn't going to let that define me or hurt my relationship with God (for the most part, I Did have moments where I was like, 'Uh, Heaven'y Father, did you forget me?').

So when I got married, there were some things I struggled with.  I often found myself saying things like 'my apartment,' 'my room,' 'my bed,' which made me feel horrible as soon as I said it, like some self-centered Lance Armstrong type (too harsh?  I've just never been a fan).  It's just that I was single for 35 years before I got married and these were just habitual phrases, not a state of mind.

I'm not sure what two single people with no previous children would struggle with when getting married, but I am sure it would be difficult (and I'm not being sarcastic, promise!).  Like people in my boat, I've never had the luxury of being truly alone with my spouse.   I'm sure if my husband didn't have kids I'd find something to struggle with, right?  Maybe?  Maybe not, the truth is, he's a sweet, calm, hilarious man and I think maybe things would be too perfect if we didn't have our current circumstances.  We'd be those annoying couples on InstaGram who post kissing photos along with 'I married my sweetheart! XOXO!'  So good thing we're not in THAT boat.

My 'Married Self' is also my 'Parent Self' and going from totally on my own to Wife/Step-Mother was like being thrown (really hard, like so hard it hurts) into a brick wall.  So yes, the first year of marriage was hard.  It was actually the hardest year of my life and I'm tempted to say the 'worst' year of my life, but thats sounds too dramatic so I'll wait 10 years and THEN call it the 'worst' year of my life.

Not only did I have a husband to account to and be accountable for there were also four kids and an Ex-Spouse who (and I'm trying so hard to be diplomatic) did not want to lose control of anything.  ANYTHING.  I wasn't myself and I wasn't comfortable in this new life for the first 18 months.

So what finally changed/ felt better?  Two major things: 1. We were sealed in the temple and 2. I did not have contact or see the EX for a good 6 months.  And, the kids were finally starting to obey me.  I'm still not entirely myself (I used to dance more and always felt happy - even on sad days I knew they were really just less-happy days), and I might get that back or it might be dead altogether (a lot of my friends who have been married for a while with kids talk about or just are less fun than when we were single).  In the end, life is about progress and I guess for me, true progress comes with pain and suffering (a lesson I learned on my mission).  Well, I'm glad I got that figured out.  

P.S. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable saying, 'My husband . . . ' because I feel like I'm bragging (it's the mid-single in me), so even writing about my 'Married Self' feels a little arrogant.  I guess I AM like Lance Armstrong, after all.

Is Your Life Like Mine?

8:oo AM Sunday morning: My hair is in a messy top-knot that I slept in the night before, wearing a slip and considering this 'half-way ready,' feeding four demanding kids ages 2 to 8, serving food, getting drinks, serving them seconds and then going from cild-to-child trying to brush their hair while they eat (which isn't fun for the brusher or the brush-ee).  Sacrament starts in 1 hour and I think, once again, we are going to be late.  I'm stressed, short on patience and feel like a jerk.  My husband?  He's in the bathroom, taking twice as long to get ready than me.  Probably sounds like a typical LDS family with lots of little kids, except for one thing.  These aren't my kids.  I've been in their lives for a little over a year and I have no idea what I'm doing.  I'm a new-step mom and I'd say I love it 25% of the time, like it 25% of the time, am neutral 25% of the time and struggle with/ hate it the other 25%.

There, I said it.

I have a friend who has been through a lot of the same trials that I have been through, only hers were worse and happened before mine.  I find that when I'm struggling with something, if I talk to her and ask how she handled it and how she feels now, I'm immediately comforted.  I don't know if there are other people in my situation but I have found that when I bluntly discuss (AKA complain) what I'm going through, I feel a mini release of tension and a little better.  There's also something about commiserating with other people, at least for me, where I don't feel so alone and can maybe hear some words of comfort. 

I am attempting to make this blog as anonymous as possible so I can be frank about my struggles without hurting my husband or childrens' feelings.  I must say, with the few LDS step-moms I've talked to, it feels so good to say that one of my step-kids is being a jerk and I struggle to love them, without feeling judged or horrible (even though I AM horrible).  I want to be a good step-mom but right now, I mostly want to survive without scarring any children and keeping my sanity.

#stepmom
#mormonstepmom
#mormonstepparent
#stepkids