Ruined Birthdays and Changed Perspectives, You Know, the Usual

When it comes down to it, my oldest child, Child A, ruined my birthday.  But don't worry, I know how ridiculous this sounds as I'm an adult in my late 30s and Child A is a 9 year old with special needs.

The thing with my birthday was, I kept trying to make the day NOT about my birthday.  We had family in town and they wanted me to have a special day.  It was incredibly thoughtful, however, since we had the 4 kids and my husband had to work, I wanted it to be as normal and not special as possible.  We tried to all go out and have a nice family nature walk (without my husband) and it ended with Child A refusing to leave the car and eventually becoming so mad they threw rocks at me.  Granted, they only hit my feet, but these weren't pebbles - they were rocks.  At another point in the day, Child A was so unhappy that they had to do everything our large group was doing and ran as fast as they could into a busy street.  Needless to say, ALL activities were cut short and we all came home in grumpy moods.  I tried to insist that my family leave me with the kids or at least Child A and go out and do something fun, but the mood had changed and they were now afraid to leave me alone with Child A.  Ah, motherhood, or more specifically, step-motherhood.

My husband left work a little early when he heard the panic and anger in my voice and then when he came home, in my opinion, proceeded to baby and coddle Child A.  Well, you can guess how that made me feel.  I was suddenly furious with my husband.  This wasn't new behavior.  I see something really messed up and when I ask him to discipline it turns into hugs and giggling.  I think this was the event that truly ruined my day, so maybe I need to say my husband AND our oldest ruined my day.  OK, I'm mostly joking - I know that deep down No One can ruin my day, except for me.  Only I can control how I feel and react and this day taught me that I had a LONG way to go with controlling my emotions, especially as the 'adult in this scenario.'

When I saw my husband barely discipline Child A and the two of them proceed to joke, I interrupted this maddening, sweet moment to talk to my husband alone.  Yes, I lost it.  I was so angry, that yet again, Child A had manipulated my husband and no lesson was learned.  It didn't help that as we argued, Child A stood outside the door yelling that they were hungry and needed food right that second.  My mom offered Child A some veggies and Child A refused saying they wanted pizza.  I could barely think straight I was so incensed.  The evening ended with my husband taking the kids back to their mother's house and us barely speaking.

Now, let me tell the good news.

For the last year we have been trying to diagnosis and figure out Child A.  Nothing fit or made sense.  My husband wasn't too concerned, because he had so much love for this child he was sure that if we just let Child A feel love, it would all work out.  Turns out, he wasn't too off on this one.  The child's mother had a genetic test done and showed that Child A has a syndrome closely related to Down Syndrome.  This syndrome usually manifests in horrible health problems and low IQs.  Our child wasn't diagnosed because Child A is actually a very advanced, mild case which is really rare.

We found this out a few days after my birthday and, suddenly my perspective shifted completely.  Instead of becoming so irate and frustrated with Child A, I felt gratitude that their case was so light and that this child was as advanced as they were.  There were no huge health issues and Child A can pretty much function in public school (with half special ed courses).  When I read about other children with the same syndrome, my heart broke and I counted all of us to be so blessed that we lucked out with Child A.  I NEVER thought I'd say that about this kid.

Things are completely different now for me because of this changed perspective.  I have more patience and am more protective of Child A.  I still discipline and occasionally (read: a lot of the time) lose my temper, but I make sure Child A is treated fairly considering their mental disability.  This child has turned into a walking miracle for me.  I am in awe of their progress and how they function in life.  The Doctor's said it was unheard of for children with this syndrome to go 9 years without a diagnosis, because usually, these children spend their whole lives in the hospital.

Isn't it crazy how a slight change in perspective (in our case, a few DNA strands testing a certain way) can change everything?  I am so grateful and when I think back on my silly birthday, I think about how well Child A acted, all things considered.  I don't have the biological love that my husband has for this child, but this diagnosis helps me feel more of the love my husband had all along.  It was such an answer to a prayer, as I  have been praying to have more compassion and love for this child and through this scientific diagnosis, I do.  I am just so grateful that Heavenly Father is so patient with me.  He knew all along what ailed this child and thank goodness he gave this child a patient, loving father here on earth to be the advocate and protector.  Man, I can be such a jerk!  Hopefully I'll always remember this when my calm, sweet husband does something that I deem 'too sweet' or 'too soft.'  But, knowing me, it might not happen right away.

I Can Empathize With Everyone Except My Step-Kids

I had a friend, who also happens to be a therapist, carefully tell me that they were surprised at my attitude towards my step-children, considering how I was brought up.  This friend told me that I had shared stories over the years of my childhood that absolutely broke their heart.  These were stories that I always tell matter-of-factly, without trying to garner sympathy, mostly out of entertainment.  I feel like I've made my peace with my past, maybe a little TOO much.

Every second of my life was spent knowing I was a step-child.  I was the only child from my parent's brief marriage and they both moved on to have their own families and I was somehow left in the middle.  I know how it feels to have a step parent look at you and feel their contempt, their annoyance that you exist.  It's not the best feeling.  I was very self-aware as a child and picked up on everything the adults in my life thought they were hiding so well.

How could I go through life as an unwanted step-child and then be so mean about my own step-children?  You'd think I'd be showering these kids with unconditional love, trying to make up for my own childhood.  My friend had a point and I also had answers.

We can start with the obvious, I'm a horrible, selfish person.  I think a dilemma a lot of step-parents have (if they're semi-decent) IS the guilt they feel at not being kind enough or loving enough towards their step-kids.  And in my opinion, this is already a step above the step-parents I had in MY life.  They never felt guilt, but actually felt justified in how I was treated.  I recognize that I'm not being Christ-like (patient, charitable, loving) to my step-kids when I'm disciplining them or losing it at them.  But I also have a desire to change and be more like the Savior.  It hasn't happened yet, but is something I work towards little by little.  My guilt lets me know that I'm not where I want to be yet and I am willing to work on it.  I DO think I'm horrible, but this also helps motivate me to be better.  It's a weird feeling raising kids with someone you love who sees these kids as perfect angels and you see them as wild devil children.  And, it feels miserable when your spouse, who you love so much, has sadness in their eyes because of something you've done to their kids (like yelling at them or criticizing them).

So does this experience give me more empathy for the adults who raised me?  Yes and no.  I get not having patience for kids that aren't biologically mine.  I understand how they felt.  Why they couldn't hide it better though, is not so cool.  The adults in my life never hid their feelings, nor did they bite their tongue.  I was told by one step-parent that this person couldn't wait until I was away with the Other parent, so that they could feel like a real family.  The funny thing was, I knew exactly how this step-parent felt and there was no need to verbalize it, really.  But, thanks for being so honest?  Hope YOU feel better now. . .?  When I compare myself to my step-parents I am very confident that I am already doing a much better job.  However, the bar was set so darn low, basically anyone who's not a total jerk would be better.

Also, my kids are SO completely different from me as a child.  I responded VERY quickly to discipline and learned from my mistakes.  I feared all four of my parents and if I got in trouble I made sure never to repeat anything even similar to that mistake.  Our children don't respond to ANY kind of discipline.  Yelling and time outs are like jokes to them.  Even consequences and trying to take toys away are met with an almost defiant attitude.  They have never said it, but I feel like they look at me and think, 'Go ahead, I have so many toys.'   Nothing sticks.  Nothing helps them progress towards better behavior.  Obviously, this isn't completely their fault.  They have years of being raised a certain way before I came into the picture and they don't have consistency in rules between our home and their other home.  It's like staring into a losing battle.  So does that help justify why I'm not a better step-parent?  Maybe, maybe not.

I look at my four step-kids and think, I can't relate to anything you're going through.  Their experience is so different from mine.  The parents in their lives are nothing like mine and their attitude towards adults and authority is so alien to me.  I was also a kid over 30 years ago and so much has changed in parenting.  My experience as a child, of fearing adults and being obedient, is now looked at as antiquated and wrong in a way.  Children are reasoned with and asked not to do things.  Push-over adults didn't exist in the 70s and early 80s and so when I see our children talk back to my husband it's something I can barely wrap my head around.  I'll watch as my husband is ignored after asking the kids to do something, so I turn into the meanie who chases the child, grabs them and says, 'Did you hear your father!? Do not ignore him!'

It's possible my style of parenting will lead my kids to hate me and demand therapy and that's valid.  We can start a savings account for it now.

In all honesty, I don't think I would have changed very much from my childhood.  I learned to enjoy alone time, in fact, I preferred it over almost anything.  I took care of myself and didn't need emotional support from another person to make me feel important.  When it came down to it, it was me and Heavenly Father.  He was the only person who was ALWAYS there to comfort me and make me feel loved and I did.  Don't think for a second I'm trying to make this sound like a pity party, I was confident and happy, especially when I left for college.  From my freshman year, until I got married, I always managed to feel peace and joy, even when I was sad.

I feel like my years as a step-child helped prepare me more for my years as a single LDS woman than for being a step-parent.  I think the one thing that I've lost that I need to get back is the closeness I felt to God.  Since getting married, I've felt like I'm 'survival mode,' like a chicken with its head cut off.  Needless to say, this isn't conducive to mediating with the Lord and feeling His hand in my life.  So I need to work on this and maybe the patience and love for my step-children will follow?

I've sort of felt forgotten by Heavenly Father as of late.  And if there's one thing I've learned in the church, it's that if I feel this way, it's all of me.

I was talking to a friend today about this feeling of being forgotten and they suggested I listen to some talks from the Europe Area Sisters Meetings.  Particularly the talks by Sister Hallstrom, Elder Hallstrom and Elder Bednar.  Elder Bednar's talk made me feel the Spirit so strongly I listened to it three times and just cried (good tears).  I loved his words about 'strengthening power' and for praying to be an Agent of the Lord and not just an Object (having no capacity of acting for yourself).  It reminded me that I have had moments over the last few years of feeling the Spirit, to the point where I couldn't deny God was real.  No miracles, no huge blessing, no grand gestures on His part, but He was there nonetheless.  I need to find a way to harness this in my life so it's a longer-lasting feeling.  Then maybe I'll be nicer and less horrible.   Maybe.