When It Comes to the Kids My Husband's Brain Turns to Mush

I don't think there are two more different mind sets than 'Those With Children' and 'Those Without Children.'  

I understand that my husband feels things that I cannot even comprehend for his children.  I've seen it.  They will be awful and disrespectful and even though he might get frustrated he just sees them through 'Parental Love Glasses' and deems certain things as endearing and child-like.  Where as I see them through 'Everyone Else's Glasses' and think they're being nightmares.

One example of Mush Brain: he will complain about other children and I have to bite my tongue to not say 'our kids are 10 times worse!'  I'm constantly asking them to not do  the same things over and over (like jump on the furniture) and I'm blatantly ignored and I think if he saw another child do this he'd be furious.  The worst part is, he knows his brain is mush and he stands by that as a parental right.  

Part of my frustration and our butting heads is that obviously I can't understand what it's like to have my own children but at one point my husband didn't have kids, so can't he place himself in my shoes as someone who was once childless?  Apparently not.  

I get it, having children is a life changing experience and hopefully one day I'll be able to experience that, but I really want my spouse's help.  But, how to approach the subject without offending him?  As soon as I reference something about the kids, whether it be neutral or remotely smacks of negativity, I can feel a defensive wall go up.  Suddenly it becomes him and his kids Vs. me, the step parent.  

My mom's advice (who was in my husband's place) is to ignore it completely.  She'll send me text messages when she knows I'm with the kids that say, 'Try to have fun' or 'Enjoy this hour with them.'   She's anticipating that they're being naughty and I'm at the end of my rope.  She's always right too because I feel like they ARE mostly naughty and I AM mostly out of patience.  

A friend of mine sent me THIS LINK from an advice columnist that helped put things in perspective.  The man writing in and was absolutely incredulous when he heard his second's wife's feelings for his children.  I loved that the advice writer scolded him and not his wife.  I also thought, good for the step mom for faking it so well!  My husband is aware of how I feel at times about the kids (listen, sometimes I adore/ like them - 50% of the time), so he can't plead ignorance, but I wish I had faked it earlier.  

It's basically a lose/ lose.  My husband has made it clear that he can't separate his feelings for his kids with common sense.  They are always going to be in my life and the last two years have shown me that their personalities are basically set in stone.  The youngest child is the only one who demonstrates a polite, obedient personality, very different from the other children (and this child is currently 3!  It's a huge miracle in my life, considering all I know about 3 YEAR OLDS).

When I was a mid-single I watched as women (who I was friends with or just knew in the ward) brains' turned to mush when they got engaged.  It wasn't as bad as parental mush brain but it was noticeably annoying.  I wasn't trying to be sour grapes, but I was surprised at how insensitive they were to us spinsters whom they were leaving behind.  It was like all their experience of being lonely or uncertain or even scared of facing the possibility of living alone forever was gone; they couldn't understand why we couldn't feel the same as them.  

I remember one RS lesson in the single's ward when the teacher was finishing her lesson, in tears, saying she was going to get married a week before her 31st birthday and how she was so grateful she made it to marriage before the mid-single cut off, as if that was the worst thing imaginable.  Only she forgot a good number of us sitting in that lesson were over 31, actually I'm sure she didn't forget because she knew all of us fairly well, but her brain just turned to mush.  She used phrases like, 'I thought the Lord had forgotten me' and 'I know the Lord answers prayers.'  Um, and did he forget the rest of us who were all clearly single?  Just pure mush.  

What that experience helps me realize is there's no reasoning with mush brain.  You can ignore the insensitive comments and pure stupidity or get mad with no solution in sight.  And if I do have my own kids one day, I will hopefully be able to remember what it's like for the rest of the world.  

I want my struggles to help me remember the other perspective.  So far I'm hopeful, as I feel more akin to mid-singles in our ward than the young married couples (I really try to avoid  excessive PDA in church).  

My husband keeps telling me I'll change as soon as I have kids and will forget the other side of things.  The horror!  That seems as bad as turning into a zombie (I'm not kidding)!  The thing with parental mush brain is that it only involves you and your children - so that everyone else in the world is wrong or just on the other side.  I pray that my family is blunt enough to tell me the truth if this ever does happen.  Thankfully, they are incredibly blunt and I also have this as a written account to hold myself accountable.    

Obvious Rules #1: Don't Criticize the Kids

Never.  Ever.

I know, I know, this seems so obvious but I mess up on this all the time!
The thing is, my Husband and I are truly best friends who tell each other everything.  I feel so comfortable with him and sometimes I feel weird if I even withhold information.  So if there is something that bothers me or upsets me or I notice about the kids I tell him.  And it Never goes well.

There was a time when I literally repeated a criticism he said himself and I was met with an icy glare.  There are two times when he and I don't sync up in life and one is when I say something that even smacks of negativity about the kids, the other is when we discuss why the heck he'd ever marry his first spouse (more on that later).

My mom was a step-parent and her children were raised by a step-parent - so she's been on both sides.  She warned me that if I say anything that might sound like a criticism he will quietly hold it against me and later resent me.  I'm not sure if he'd do that (he's very transparent and forgiving) but I see her point.  I just need to remember it for goodness sake!

My husband and I were once talking about some friends who have really annoying kids.  I made the comment that they didn't even know their kids were awful but he said, 'no, they know.'  However, I have moments where I think OUR children and the worst ever but he thinks it's just kids being kids and I'm sure it endears him to them even more.  I don't think parents can ever step out of the situation enough to see that, 'Hey, my kids are total jerks.'  And I'm sure when I'm a parent I'll be the same way and think my super miserable kids are perfect.  However, at the moment I'm in a unique position (as I think most step-parents are) where I can sit back and see out kids being idiots but I still love them and am committed to them.  It's also very frustrating.  Having to keep quiet when I know and everyone around me knows these kids are being monsters.

So what helps?  Venting to someone who isn't my husband.

Talking to my parents helps immensely!  They love their new grandchildren and have bonded so quickly with them (huge, HUGE blessing - see! I recognize blessings too) but they also can sit back and see things that ideally would be changed or worked on.  So far they have 11 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren and they raised 5 children, so I trust their opinion and just plain love it when they say things like, 'they are the most entitled children we have ever met.'  I felt that for months but wasn't sure if I was just being horrible or if it was a true observation.

I also love when my friends with and without kids reassure me that my kids aren't THAT great.  From day one I have been surrounded by the opinion (from my husband and in-laws) that our children are perfect.  They are allowed to say what they want, destroy what they want, eat what they want when they want and are rewarded with compliments and hugs.  Could I sound more horrible?  Probably not, but I'm sure I will later.

This is something I need to continually work on (just last week I messed up on this rule), and hopefully I'll be able to hold my tongue so well it won't even be a struggle.  It's just so strange to be married to someone who I tell everything to but have to keep this one thing, that is actually a HUGE thing that has taken over my life, to myself.  But I'll do it and hopefully get better at it.