When it comes down to it, my oldest child, Child A, ruined my birthday. But don't worry, I know how ridiculous this sounds as I'm an adult in my late 30s and Child A is a 9 year old with special needs.
The thing with my birthday was, I kept trying to make the day NOT about my birthday. We had family in town and they wanted me to have a special day. It was incredibly thoughtful, however, since we had the 4 kids and my husband had to work, I wanted it to be as normal and not special as possible. We tried to all go out and have a nice family nature walk (without my husband) and it ended with Child A refusing to leave the car and eventually becoming so mad they threw rocks at me. Granted, they only hit my feet, but these weren't pebbles - they were rocks. At another point in the day, Child A was so unhappy that they had to do everything our large group was doing and ran as fast as they could into a busy street. Needless to say, ALL activities were cut short and we all came home in grumpy moods. I tried to insist that my family leave me with the kids or at least Child A and go out and do something fun, but the mood had changed and they were now afraid to leave me alone with Child A. Ah, motherhood, or more specifically, step-motherhood.
My husband left work a little early when he heard the panic and anger in my voice and then when he came home, in my opinion, proceeded to baby and coddle Child A. Well, you can guess how that made me feel. I was suddenly furious with my husband. This wasn't new behavior. I see something really messed up and when I ask him to discipline it turns into hugs and giggling. I think this was the event that truly ruined my day, so maybe I need to say my husband AND our oldest ruined my day. OK, I'm mostly joking - I know that deep down No One can ruin my day, except for me. Only I can control how I feel and react and this day taught me that I had a LONG way to go with controlling my emotions, especially as the 'adult in this scenario.'
When I saw my husband barely discipline Child A and the two of them proceed to joke, I interrupted this maddening, sweet moment to talk to my husband alone. Yes, I lost it. I was so angry, that yet again, Child A had manipulated my husband and no lesson was learned. It didn't help that as we argued, Child A stood outside the door yelling that they were hungry and needed food right that second. My mom offered Child A some veggies and Child A refused saying they wanted pizza. I could barely think straight I was so incensed. The evening ended with my husband taking the kids back to their mother's house and us barely speaking.
Now, let me tell the good news.
For the last year we have been trying to diagnosis and figure out Child A. Nothing fit or made sense. My husband wasn't too concerned, because he had so much love for this child he was sure that if we just let Child A feel love, it would all work out. Turns out, he wasn't too off on this one. The child's mother had a genetic test done and showed that Child A has a syndrome closely related to Down Syndrome. This syndrome usually manifests in horrible health problems and low IQs. Our child wasn't diagnosed because Child A is actually a very advanced, mild case which is really rare.
We found this out a few days after my birthday and, suddenly my perspective shifted completely. Instead of becoming so irate and frustrated with Child A, I felt gratitude that their case was so light and that this child was as advanced as they were. There were no huge health issues and Child A can pretty much function in public school (with half special ed courses). When I read about other children with the same syndrome, my heart broke and I counted all of us to be so blessed that we lucked out with Child A. I NEVER thought I'd say that about this kid.
Things are completely different now for me because of this changed perspective. I have more patience and am more protective of Child A. I still discipline and occasionally (read: a lot of the time) lose my temper, but I make sure Child A is treated fairly considering their mental disability. This child has turned into a walking miracle for me. I am in awe of their progress and how they function in life. The Doctor's said it was unheard of for children with this syndrome to go 9 years without a diagnosis, because usually, these children spend their whole lives in the hospital.
Isn't it crazy how a slight change in perspective (in our case, a few DNA strands testing a certain way) can change everything? I am so grateful and when I think back on my silly birthday, I think about how well Child A acted, all things considered. I don't have the biological love that my husband has for this child, but this diagnosis helps me feel more of the love my husband had all along. It was such an answer to a prayer, as I have been praying to have more compassion and love for this child and through this scientific diagnosis, I do. I am just so grateful that Heavenly Father is so patient with me. He knew all along what ailed this child and thank goodness he gave this child a patient, loving father here on earth to be the advocate and protector. Man, I can be such a jerk! Hopefully I'll always remember this when my calm, sweet husband does something that I deem 'too sweet' or 'too soft.' But, knowing me, it might not happen right away.
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
When It Comes to the Kids My Husband's Brain Turns to Mush
I don't think there are two more different mind sets than 'Those With Children' and 'Those Without Children.'
I understand that my husband feels things that I cannot even comprehend for his children. I've seen it. They will be awful and disrespectful and even though he might get frustrated he just sees them through 'Parental Love Glasses' and deems certain things as endearing and child-like. Where as I see them through 'Everyone Else's Glasses' and think they're being nightmares.
One example of Mush Brain: he will complain about other children and I have to bite my tongue to not say 'our kids are 10 times worse!' I'm constantly asking them to not do the same things over and over (like jump on the furniture) and I'm blatantly ignored and I think if he saw another child do this he'd be furious. The worst part is, he knows his brain is mush and he stands by that as a parental right.
Part of my frustration and our butting heads is that obviously I can't understand what it's like to have my own children but at one point my husband didn't have kids, so can't he place himself in my shoes as someone who was once childless? Apparently not.
I get it, having children is a life changing experience and hopefully one day I'll be able to experience that, but I really want my spouse's help. But, how to approach the subject without offending him? As soon as I reference something about the kids, whether it be neutral or remotely smacks of negativity, I can feel a defensive wall go up. Suddenly it becomes him and his kids Vs. me, the step parent.
My mom's advice (who was in my husband's place) is to ignore it completely. She'll send me text messages when she knows I'm with the kids that say, 'Try to have fun' or 'Enjoy this hour with them.' She's anticipating that they're being naughty and I'm at the end of my rope. She's always right too because I feel like they ARE mostly naughty and I AM mostly out of patience.
A friend of mine sent me THIS LINK from an advice columnist that helped put things in perspective. The man writing in and was absolutely incredulous when he heard his second's wife's feelings for his children. I loved that the advice writer scolded him and not his wife. I also thought, good for the step mom for faking it so well! My husband is aware of how I feel at times about the kids (listen, sometimes I adore/ like them - 50% of the time), so he can't plead ignorance, but I wish I had faked it earlier.
It's basically a lose/ lose. My husband has made it clear that he can't separate his feelings for his kids with common sense. They are always going to be in my life and the last two years have shown me that their personalities are basically set in stone. The youngest child is the only one who demonstrates a polite, obedient personality, very different from the other children (and this child is currently 3! It's a huge miracle in my life, considering all I know about 3 YEAR OLDS).
When I was a mid-single I watched as women (who I was friends with or just knew in the ward) brains' turned to mush when they got engaged. It wasn't as bad as parental mush brain but it was noticeably annoying. I wasn't trying to be sour grapes, but I was surprised at how insensitive they were to us spinsters whom they were leaving behind. It was like all their experience of being lonely or uncertain or even scared of facing the possibility of living alone forever was gone; they couldn't understand why we couldn't feel the same as them.
I remember one RS lesson in the single's ward when the teacher was finishing her lesson, in tears, saying she was going to get married a week before her 31st birthday and how she was so grateful she made it to marriage before the mid-single cut off, as if that was the worst thing imaginable. Only she forgot a good number of us sitting in that lesson were over 31, actually I'm sure she didn't forget because she knew all of us fairly well, but her brain just turned to mush. She used phrases like, 'I thought the Lord had forgotten me' and 'I know the Lord answers prayers.' Um, and did he forget the rest of us who were all clearly single? Just pure mush.
What that experience helps me realize is there's no reasoning with mush brain. You can ignore the insensitive comments and pure stupidity or get mad with no solution in sight. And if I do have my own kids one day, I will hopefully be able to remember what it's like for the rest of the world.
I want my struggles to help me remember the other perspective. So far I'm hopeful, as I feel more akin to mid-singles in our ward than the young married couples (I really try to avoid excessive PDA in church).
My husband keeps telling me I'll change as soon as I have kids and will forget the other side of things. The horror! That seems as bad as turning into a zombie (I'm not kidding)! The thing with parental mush brain is that it only involves you and your children - so that everyone else in the world is wrong or just on the other side. I pray that my family is blunt enough to tell me the truth if this ever does happen. Thankfully, they are incredibly blunt and I also have this as a written account to hold myself accountable.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Be Careful What You Wish For - You Might Get Married
This sounds bad, right? Let me explain! No, maybe it is bad, because this is what I usually tell my #midsingle friends when they say they really want to get married. Listen, in the end, I wouldn't change one thing. Marrying my husband in my mid-30s meant marrying into a situation with children and an Ex wife. It also meant I got to work and travel and buy expensive juice and cheese and it would last me weeks, not just one sitting (my husband eats so dang much). I went to whatever movies I wanted without thinking twice: foreign, boring documentaries, stupid long ones that I wanted to see just for the cinematography. I had a good life and I was overall happy. But those moments of thinking, I'm not complete or missing out, especially as an LDS woman, did creep up and they could be paralyzing.
That all changed in a very short time. I mean, VERY SHORT. After 6 weeks of dating, my husband and I got engaged. I know, we're crazy, and I thought this sort of thing only happened at BYU (because I saw it happen there all the time). However, I had never dated someone where it felt so right; where there was NO question in my mind that this was my future spouse. And the next thing I knew, I was engaged, a soon-to-be step parent and also not the first wife on the scene. I suddenly felt like I was drowning and I knew it would only get worse and it did! (and 'no' it wasn't because I was 'awful-izing' - I tried to be positive everyday). I tried to postpone the wedding when I saw that my fiancé still had photos of his Ex on his Facebook page with comments like 'You're smoking hot.' To me this was a sign that he wasn't ready for a second wife - he still hadn't eliminated the first one from social media - and most of their photos still looked like they were married. To him this was because Facebook and social media were inane and he barely visited these sites anymore, so any photos left up were due to sheer forgetfulness.
Ugh, Facebook. It seems like such a good idea and then you get married to someone with an Ex-wife and you want to start a new life with this person but there are all these photos and messages that blatantly remind you that you were not there first. Generally speaking, I think FB is very different for men and women. My husband is the first to remind me that nothing on social media is real - the smiles, the forced poses, the flattering lighting. And I know he's right - I've posted so many photos of us looking like a perfect blended family who are SO happy - but I still forget when it comes to other people.
I thought when I was single that life would feel more stable once I got married. Everyone told me it was hard and I believed them but if you could go through life as a duo wouldn't it make you stronger and problems easier to conquer? Perhaps, but not when you marry into kids and an Ex-spouse. I have never felt more unstable or unsure of how things will turn out as a married person. Again, I wouldn't change a thing - I don't want to be married to anyone else. But I know that these trials are going to stick around for a long time and it's possible they could get worse. Over the last two years I have used the phrase, 'Well, things can't get any worse, which means things are only going to get better!' And I naively believed this, even though things Always managed to get worse. The good news is, I have found out that I'm capable of more trials than I ever imagined (yay!).
Of course, I did have a mental breakdown one night after a very intense fight with the Ex that left me in such a state of shock I was comatose for 2 hours. That was a fun one. I'm not sure if I could have moved if I wanted to, but my brain told me it would hurt less if I didn't move or respond to life so I didn't. It actually felt very peaceful in my little shell but it did terrify my husband who almost took me to the hospital. One priesthood blessing later I came out of it but was so enraged at the fight (I felt like my husband threw me under the bus) that I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to look at my spouse for a good 12 hours. Real stable, huh? Not things you'd imagine feeling or experiencing as a single person.
So why am I sharing such seemingly awful stories and insight? Just so you know, I'd probably still encourage most people to date and marry someone with kids and an ex-spouse (just be prepared for a possible hard time). No, all this came about after I posted about infertility.
I got to waterski the other day. Yes, that seems random and a bit like a non sequitur, but hear me out. I don't know what it's like to be 100% responsible for a baby - from what I hear it's Really hard and exhausting. And, maybe I'll have one and maybe I won't but in the meantime I need to appreciate every gosh darn moment I have in life. If I can go waterskiing (on a day we don't have the kids) without thinking twice, that's a pretty good thing. If I can stay up late watching movies (action and comedies, of course) with my husband on weekends when we don't have the kids and then sleep in the next day, that's a luxury I need to relish.
Good times are usually best appreciated after they pass and sometimes when you are going through rough times. It's hard to sit back and think, THIS right HERE is a good thing, I need to remember this feeling for later when things might stink. Ohhh wait, is this what people call living in the moment? It's so much harder than it sounds, especially with kids, and even more especially with step-kids. Last night I had a milkshake for dinner. One huge Oreo milkshake and since I had this post on my mind, I savored every last unhealthy drink and it made me really happy. Yes, I had a stomach ache later and I totally abandoned my diet, but in the moment I was happy and right now as I think back on it, it seems like heaven, especially since I'm only eating salad today.
That all changed in a very short time. I mean, VERY SHORT. After 6 weeks of dating, my husband and I got engaged. I know, we're crazy, and I thought this sort of thing only happened at BYU (because I saw it happen there all the time). However, I had never dated someone where it felt so right; where there was NO question in my mind that this was my future spouse. And the next thing I knew, I was engaged, a soon-to-be step parent and also not the first wife on the scene. I suddenly felt like I was drowning and I knew it would only get worse and it did! (and 'no' it wasn't because I was 'awful-izing' - I tried to be positive everyday). I tried to postpone the wedding when I saw that my fiancé still had photos of his Ex on his Facebook page with comments like 'You're smoking hot.' To me this was a sign that he wasn't ready for a second wife - he still hadn't eliminated the first one from social media - and most of their photos still looked like they were married. To him this was because Facebook and social media were inane and he barely visited these sites anymore, so any photos left up were due to sheer forgetfulness.
Ugh, Facebook. It seems like such a good idea and then you get married to someone with an Ex-wife and you want to start a new life with this person but there are all these photos and messages that blatantly remind you that you were not there first. Generally speaking, I think FB is very different for men and women. My husband is the first to remind me that nothing on social media is real - the smiles, the forced poses, the flattering lighting. And I know he's right - I've posted so many photos of us looking like a perfect blended family who are SO happy - but I still forget when it comes to other people.
I thought when I was single that life would feel more stable once I got married. Everyone told me it was hard and I believed them but if you could go through life as a duo wouldn't it make you stronger and problems easier to conquer? Perhaps, but not when you marry into kids and an Ex-spouse. I have never felt more unstable or unsure of how things will turn out as a married person. Again, I wouldn't change a thing - I don't want to be married to anyone else. But I know that these trials are going to stick around for a long time and it's possible they could get worse. Over the last two years I have used the phrase, 'Well, things can't get any worse, which means things are only going to get better!' And I naively believed this, even though things Always managed to get worse. The good news is, I have found out that I'm capable of more trials than I ever imagined (yay!).
Of course, I did have a mental breakdown one night after a very intense fight with the Ex that left me in such a state of shock I was comatose for 2 hours. That was a fun one. I'm not sure if I could have moved if I wanted to, but my brain told me it would hurt less if I didn't move or respond to life so I didn't. It actually felt very peaceful in my little shell but it did terrify my husband who almost took me to the hospital. One priesthood blessing later I came out of it but was so enraged at the fight (I felt like my husband threw me under the bus) that I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to look at my spouse for a good 12 hours. Real stable, huh? Not things you'd imagine feeling or experiencing as a single person.
So why am I sharing such seemingly awful stories and insight? Just so you know, I'd probably still encourage most people to date and marry someone with kids and an ex-spouse (just be prepared for a possible hard time). No, all this came about after I posted about infertility.
I got to waterski the other day. Yes, that seems random and a bit like a non sequitur, but hear me out. I don't know what it's like to be 100% responsible for a baby - from what I hear it's Really hard and exhausting. And, maybe I'll have one and maybe I won't but in the meantime I need to appreciate every gosh darn moment I have in life. If I can go waterskiing (on a day we don't have the kids) without thinking twice, that's a pretty good thing. If I can stay up late watching movies (action and comedies, of course) with my husband on weekends when we don't have the kids and then sleep in the next day, that's a luxury I need to relish.
Good times are usually best appreciated after they pass and sometimes when you are going through rough times. It's hard to sit back and think, THIS right HERE is a good thing, I need to remember this feeling for later when things might stink. Ohhh wait, is this what people call living in the moment? It's so much harder than it sounds, especially with kids, and even more especially with step-kids. Last night I had a milkshake for dinner. One huge Oreo milkshake and since I had this post on my mind, I savored every last unhealthy drink and it made me really happy. Yes, I had a stomach ache later and I totally abandoned my diet, but in the moment I was happy and right now as I think back on it, it seems like heaven, especially since I'm only eating salad today.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Obvious Rule #2: Don't Tell Your Spouse They've Ruined Your Life
Why I even have to write this one out just truly shows how horrible I am.
OK. I know I wasn't forced into this marriage so really, if anything, I ruined my Own life.
Just kidding, my life wasn't ruined. I'm an adult and I knew what I was getting myself into. OK, that's a lie - I had NO idea what I was getting myself into but I was warned by everyone that it would be difficult. And I knew it would be the hardest thing I had ever done. I also knew this is what God wanted me to do; there was no doubt that this is what He wanted. However, once I was in the thick of it I had so many moments when I thought, 'This is more than I can handle.'
Being married and a step-parent has changed me, and so far, not for the better. It's taken my joie de vivre (sorry to sound pretentious but I really did have this), whatever small amount of beauty I had (grey hair, lifeless eyes, dead smiles . . . it's a wonder my husband can even concentrate when I'm around) and my sense of humor. When we have the kids I'm in 'survivor mode' only, which translates to, 'I'm mean ALL the time.'
Someone once told me, a few months after we were married, that my husband had been given blessing after blessing since meeting me while I have had trial after trial since meeting him. I know, this is so arrogant but I didn't say it, and I'm trying to make a super selfish point, which is: since getting serious with my husband my life has been sacrifice after sacrifice and it's tiring and exhausting and frustrating. (PS It warmed my heart when this person told me this, I felt like someone was on my side and recognizing that this was a very hard path I had chosen.)
The problem is, instead of handling it quietly like a lady, I told him a less harsh version of this. He his reaction was more of anger and said that he had to sacrifice too. And maybe he has. I'm not the fun girl he once dated and I'm certainly not as cute and when we dated all I did was talk about how I was going to love these children to pieces. I thought I would. I also thought they'd be better behaved and that the Ex Wife wasn't going to cross boundaries and tell us when and where we were all going to move and send my husband texts about inside jokes they had when they were married that had nothing to do with the kids.
But I know I was in the wrong for expressing how I felt. This goes back to just wanting to tell him, my BFF, Everything. Except I hadn't thought this through at all because I was also telling this man I loved something really negative about himself. Yes, he had made choices that had brought him to this point with these people in his life but, like I said before, I wasn't forced into this marriage. I knew the Ex had a reputation for being, um, shall we politely describe it as 'unstable?' I knew the kids demanded constant attention and didn't process discipline. And I knew I had married such a sweet man, that if his Ex did cross boundaries he didn't care because nothing really upset and he didn't have any feelings for the Ex (positive or negative which is actually the best way to be).
Trials (for us as a couple and by myself) have been plentiful and the blessings have been pretty small and scarce but, it's not all about good times and that certainly doesn't mean my life has been ruined. I really felt like Elder Uchtdorf was talking to me when he have his talk this last General Conference. Grateful in Any Circumstances.
Actually, I felt like SUCH a jerk when I heard his talk! I need to be grateful and for goodness sake stop thinking my life is ruined. I also need to stop expecting blessings or more specifically, demanding happy times. Like I mentioned before, life is about progressing and something that involves pain and suffering. There have been small moments of happiness too, I'm not completely devoid of smiles or joy.
OK. I know I wasn't forced into this marriage so really, if anything, I ruined my Own life.
Just kidding, my life wasn't ruined. I'm an adult and I knew what I was getting myself into. OK, that's a lie - I had NO idea what I was getting myself into but I was warned by everyone that it would be difficult. And I knew it would be the hardest thing I had ever done. I also knew this is what God wanted me to do; there was no doubt that this is what He wanted. However, once I was in the thick of it I had so many moments when I thought, 'This is more than I can handle.'
Being married and a step-parent has changed me, and so far, not for the better. It's taken my joie de vivre (sorry to sound pretentious but I really did have this), whatever small amount of beauty I had (grey hair, lifeless eyes, dead smiles . . . it's a wonder my husband can even concentrate when I'm around) and my sense of humor. When we have the kids I'm in 'survivor mode' only, which translates to, 'I'm mean ALL the time.'
Someone once told me, a few months after we were married, that my husband had been given blessing after blessing since meeting me while I have had trial after trial since meeting him. I know, this is so arrogant but I didn't say it, and I'm trying to make a super selfish point, which is: since getting serious with my husband my life has been sacrifice after sacrifice and it's tiring and exhausting and frustrating. (PS It warmed my heart when this person told me this, I felt like someone was on my side and recognizing that this was a very hard path I had chosen.)
The problem is, instead of handling it quietly like a lady, I told him a less harsh version of this. He his reaction was more of anger and said that he had to sacrifice too. And maybe he has. I'm not the fun girl he once dated and I'm certainly not as cute and when we dated all I did was talk about how I was going to love these children to pieces. I thought I would. I also thought they'd be better behaved and that the Ex Wife wasn't going to cross boundaries and tell us when and where we were all going to move and send my husband texts about inside jokes they had when they were married that had nothing to do with the kids.
But I know I was in the wrong for expressing how I felt. This goes back to just wanting to tell him, my BFF, Everything. Except I hadn't thought this through at all because I was also telling this man I loved something really negative about himself. Yes, he had made choices that had brought him to this point with these people in his life but, like I said before, I wasn't forced into this marriage. I knew the Ex had a reputation for being, um, shall we politely describe it as 'unstable?' I knew the kids demanded constant attention and didn't process discipline. And I knew I had married such a sweet man, that if his Ex did cross boundaries he didn't care because nothing really upset and he didn't have any feelings for the Ex (positive or negative which is actually the best way to be).
Trials (for us as a couple and by myself) have been plentiful and the blessings have been pretty small and scarce but, it's not all about good times and that certainly doesn't mean my life has been ruined. I really felt like Elder Uchtdorf was talking to me when he have his talk this last General Conference. Grateful in Any Circumstances.
Actually, I felt like SUCH a jerk when I heard his talk! I need to be grateful and for goodness sake stop thinking my life is ruined. I also need to stop expecting blessings or more specifically, demanding happy times. Like I mentioned before, life is about progressing and something that involves pain and suffering. There have been small moments of happiness too, I'm not completely devoid of smiles or joy.
3 Year Old Kids are Hard / 3 Year Old Step-Kids are a Nightmare
When I met my Husband his kids were 6, 5, 3 and 0 (ok, 10 months, but 0 sounds better). The 3-year-old was affectionate and pretty cute and I thought, 'this child is going to be so easy to love!' Wrong.
When I was a mid-single, I once offered to babysit as a prize for a Relief Society auction. The sister who won had 4 kids and the youngest was 3 and when I was babysitting I was convinced the 3-year-old was possessed by Satan. He was not only belligerent but violent. His older siblings just ignored him and were really helpful to me and this kid just seemed like the odd-man out. I know now from my awesome 2 years of experience that he was probably seeking attention and felt confused and left out - but even with this as an excuse - he was a complete terror/jerk/ idiot. The next day I was talking to a friend who had a ton of kids to ask her if it was possible that this child was demon spawn. No, she said, something happens when they turn 3 and they leave you and go into this really difficult stage but they'll come back to you after a year. She was so zen about it. I tucked this away for the next time someone asked me to babysit and if a 3-year-old was involved, I'd decline.
Now here I was with a soon-to-be step child who was in the middle of being 3 and this child was a complete psycho. I couldn't stand this child. I'd think of the scriptures when the Savior said in Matthew (18:6) "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that we were drowned int he depth of the sea." I am NOT trying to make light of the Savior's words but I kept thinking, does this apply to me? This child is nightmare and all I want to do is spank this child (NOTE: I have Never physically disciplined the children and I never will.) Children in the scriptures were supposed to be our examples and they were going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom, not me. But, did the Savior really know how awful kids could be? Again, I'm not making a joke of His words, I genuinely struggled with this - like with tears and prayers.
I had seen my nieces and nephews and friends' kids have mini tantrums which, I get it, are normal. But this child was manipulative and would hurt their older and younger siblings (as much as a puny 3 year-old could, I guess). I wanted justice and progress and I was getting neither. My husband would baby the child when they were being extra naughty and the child's behavior seemed to get worse. I felt like I was in Crazy Town. Did no one see what this little jerk was doing and saying?
Luckily, when the child hit 4 I noticed a change in behavior that had me thanking Heavenly Father in my prayers (literally). I have since noticed though, this child is naughtier than the others and my husband thinks this is still cute, but I have my eye on them.
When the child is yours (adopted or birthed) you have a history with them, you've seen them go from helpless baby to curious toddler and then turn into a little devil child, so it's easier to remember the adorable times and remind yourself this is just a phase (hopefully). When you're thrown into it - you want to pull your hair out and just be mean back to the kid.
I survived by removing myself from the situation (I used to leave the room all the time, especially at bedtime or nap time). And reminding myself of my friend's words, that this was a phase and they'll come back to you when they hit 4. And now we have another child hitting 3 and I can already see this child leave us and slowly creep into their own version of Crazy Town. It's not easy but it is SLIGHTLY better, especially since this child was a really good 1- and 2-year-old. And I pray a lot for very specific help; 'help me to remember this is just a phase and to be patient and love this child because this is really hard.'
When I was a mid-single, I once offered to babysit as a prize for a Relief Society auction. The sister who won had 4 kids and the youngest was 3 and when I was babysitting I was convinced the 3-year-old was possessed by Satan. He was not only belligerent but violent. His older siblings just ignored him and were really helpful to me and this kid just seemed like the odd-man out. I know now from my awesome 2 years of experience that he was probably seeking attention and felt confused and left out - but even with this as an excuse - he was a complete terror/jerk/ idiot. The next day I was talking to a friend who had a ton of kids to ask her if it was possible that this child was demon spawn. No, she said, something happens when they turn 3 and they leave you and go into this really difficult stage but they'll come back to you after a year. She was so zen about it. I tucked this away for the next time someone asked me to babysit and if a 3-year-old was involved, I'd decline.
Now here I was with a soon-to-be step child who was in the middle of being 3 and this child was a complete psycho. I couldn't stand this child. I'd think of the scriptures when the Savior said in Matthew (18:6) "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that we were drowned int he depth of the sea." I am NOT trying to make light of the Savior's words but I kept thinking, does this apply to me? This child is nightmare and all I want to do is spank this child (NOTE: I have Never physically disciplined the children and I never will.) Children in the scriptures were supposed to be our examples and they were going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom, not me. But, did the Savior really know how awful kids could be? Again, I'm not making a joke of His words, I genuinely struggled with this - like with tears and prayers.
I had seen my nieces and nephews and friends' kids have mini tantrums which, I get it, are normal. But this child was manipulative and would hurt their older and younger siblings (as much as a puny 3 year-old could, I guess). I wanted justice and progress and I was getting neither. My husband would baby the child when they were being extra naughty and the child's behavior seemed to get worse. I felt like I was in Crazy Town. Did no one see what this little jerk was doing and saying?
Luckily, when the child hit 4 I noticed a change in behavior that had me thanking Heavenly Father in my prayers (literally). I have since noticed though, this child is naughtier than the others and my husband thinks this is still cute, but I have my eye on them.
When the child is yours (adopted or birthed) you have a history with them, you've seen them go from helpless baby to curious toddler and then turn into a little devil child, so it's easier to remember the adorable times and remind yourself this is just a phase (hopefully). When you're thrown into it - you want to pull your hair out and just be mean back to the kid.
I survived by removing myself from the situation (I used to leave the room all the time, especially at bedtime or nap time). And reminding myself of my friend's words, that this was a phase and they'll come back to you when they hit 4. And now we have another child hitting 3 and I can already see this child leave us and slowly creep into their own version of Crazy Town. It's not easy but it is SLIGHTLY better, especially since this child was a really good 1- and 2-year-old. And I pray a lot for very specific help; 'help me to remember this is just a phase and to be patient and love this child because this is really hard.'
Obvious Rules #1: Don't Criticize the Kids
Never. Ever.
I know, I know, this seems so obvious but I mess up on this all the time!
The thing is, my Husband and I are truly best friends who tell each other everything. I feel so comfortable with him and sometimes I feel weird if I even withhold information. So if there is something that bothers me or upsets me or I notice about the kids I tell him. And it Never goes well.
There was a time when I literally repeated a criticism he said himself and I was met with an icy glare. There are two times when he and I don't sync up in life and one is when I say something that even smacks of negativity about the kids, the other is when we discuss why the heck he'd ever marry his first spouse (more on that later).
My mom was a step-parent and her children were raised by a step-parent - so she's been on both sides. She warned me that if I say anything that might sound like a criticism he will quietly hold it against me and later resent me. I'm not sure if he'd do that (he's very transparent and forgiving) but I see her point. I just need to remember it for goodness sake!
My husband and I were once talking about some friends who have really annoying kids. I made the comment that they didn't even know their kids were awful but he said, 'no, they know.' However, I have moments where I think OUR children and the worst ever but he thinks it's just kids being kids and I'm sure it endears him to them even more. I don't think parents can ever step out of the situation enough to see that, 'Hey, my kids are total jerks.' And I'm sure when I'm a parent I'll be the same way and think my super miserable kids are perfect. However, at the moment I'm in a unique position (as I think most step-parents are) where I can sit back and see out kids being idiots but I still love them and am committed to them. It's also very frustrating. Having to keep quiet when I know and everyone around me knows these kids are being monsters.
So what helps? Venting to someone who isn't my husband.
Talking to my parents helps immensely! They love their new grandchildren and have bonded so quickly with them (huge, HUGE blessing - see! I recognize blessings too) but they also can sit back and see things that ideally would be changed or worked on. So far they have 11 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren and they raised 5 children, so I trust their opinion and just plain love it when they say things like, 'they are the most entitled children we have ever met.' I felt that for months but wasn't sure if I was just being horrible or if it was a true observation.
I also love when my friends with and without kids reassure me that my kids aren't THAT great. From day one I have been surrounded by the opinion (from my husband and in-laws) that our children are perfect. They are allowed to say what they want, destroy what they want, eat what they want when they want and are rewarded with compliments and hugs. Could I sound more horrible? Probably not, but I'm sure I will later.
This is something I need to continually work on (just last week I messed up on this rule), and hopefully I'll be able to hold my tongue so well it won't even be a struggle. It's just so strange to be married to someone who I tell everything to but have to keep this one thing, that is actually a HUGE thing that has taken over my life, to myself. But I'll do it and hopefully get better at it.
I know, I know, this seems so obvious but I mess up on this all the time!
The thing is, my Husband and I are truly best friends who tell each other everything. I feel so comfortable with him and sometimes I feel weird if I even withhold information. So if there is something that bothers me or upsets me or I notice about the kids I tell him. And it Never goes well.
There was a time when I literally repeated a criticism he said himself and I was met with an icy glare. There are two times when he and I don't sync up in life and one is when I say something that even smacks of negativity about the kids, the other is when we discuss why the heck he'd ever marry his first spouse (more on that later).
My mom was a step-parent and her children were raised by a step-parent - so she's been on both sides. She warned me that if I say anything that might sound like a criticism he will quietly hold it against me and later resent me. I'm not sure if he'd do that (he's very transparent and forgiving) but I see her point. I just need to remember it for goodness sake!
My husband and I were once talking about some friends who have really annoying kids. I made the comment that they didn't even know their kids were awful but he said, 'no, they know.' However, I have moments where I think OUR children and the worst ever but he thinks it's just kids being kids and I'm sure it endears him to them even more. I don't think parents can ever step out of the situation enough to see that, 'Hey, my kids are total jerks.' And I'm sure when I'm a parent I'll be the same way and think my super miserable kids are perfect. However, at the moment I'm in a unique position (as I think most step-parents are) where I can sit back and see out kids being idiots but I still love them and am committed to them. It's also very frustrating. Having to keep quiet when I know and everyone around me knows these kids are being monsters.
So what helps? Venting to someone who isn't my husband.
Talking to my parents helps immensely! They love their new grandchildren and have bonded so quickly with them (huge, HUGE blessing - see! I recognize blessings too) but they also can sit back and see things that ideally would be changed or worked on. So far they have 11 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren and they raised 5 children, so I trust their opinion and just plain love it when they say things like, 'they are the most entitled children we have ever met.' I felt that for months but wasn't sure if I was just being horrible or if it was a true observation.
I also love when my friends with and without kids reassure me that my kids aren't THAT great. From day one I have been surrounded by the opinion (from my husband and in-laws) that our children are perfect. They are allowed to say what they want, destroy what they want, eat what they want when they want and are rewarded with compliments and hugs. Could I sound more horrible? Probably not, but I'm sure I will later.
This is something I need to continually work on (just last week I messed up on this rule), and hopefully I'll be able to hold my tongue so well it won't even be a struggle. It's just so strange to be married to someone who I tell everything to but have to keep this one thing, that is actually a HUGE thing that has taken over my life, to myself. But I'll do it and hopefully get better at it.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Most Unrewarding Job Ever: Step Parent
Let's be honest, being a step-parent is horrible. I know parents who are raising their kids with a step-parent/ spouse might think they're in Just as hard a position but they're not. They have the genetic make-up that allows them to love their kids even when the kids are being little jerks and the kids will always be theirs.
A step parent is expected to love and care for kids that aren't theirs but pretend that they are. Tucking our (at the time) 3 year old into bed after feeding her dinner, getting her changed and reading her a story (things I do out of duty - I'm not at the point where this is a 'joy') she looked at me and said, 'You're not my Real Mommy, you're a Step Mommy.' Thanks, little one, I had totally forgotten as I looked at your face that is the spitting image of your mother and has no resemblance to my husband - let alone myself. I wanted to say, 'Well let's just call your mom who cares so much about family and she can do all this work and put up with your irrational temper tantrums while I go to a movie. Oh wait, she broke up your family so she could marry a rich, old man who was also married, maybe she's not the best person to do this also.' But, instead I gritted my teeth and barely spout out, 'I know, sweetie, and I love you so much.' I believe this is referred to as, 'Fake it, 'til you make it.'
I guess it doesn't help that I'm not a kid person. I love my nieces and nephews, and some of my friends' kids I love so much it hurts. But, a stranger walking down the street with a child? I could care less about them. Random kids are not my thing. And little jerk kids are even worse. Not that my step-children are jerks all the time - they're probably the normal amount of kid-jerk but since I didn't make them, have any genetic tie to them or have any say in how they were shaped, when they are jerks I want to scream.
It took almost a year from when I met them before they started to regard me as an authority figure. They weren't being obstinate, it was more like they didn't hear me, like my mean voice didn't register. And one thing I learned about kids, is when they seem like they're ignoring you, chances are they aren't - they just aren't listening and it's not processing as a message. As opposed to me, when I hear them and ignore them, I'm hearing everything but I am choosing not to respond. Because, I, too am a jerk. But I'm an adult jerk and it's different.
Maybe it gets better? I'm only two years into this scenario (I met my husband in June of 2012 and the kids in August of 2012), so I am still a novice. Sometimes I think it's improving and then all of a sudden it seems to worsen. But do you know what would help immensely? Recognition. I know, that sounds like a selfish answer (because it IS a selfish answer) but when I get recognized by my parents or friends or in-laws it makes me blush and I want to be better. And when I get it from my husband? It feels like heaven. I'm sure to my spouse he thinks he's constantly praising me, but from my perspective it's barely enough and since I'm the one being a bigger baby I think I should win and he should praise me even more.
I JUST realized that makes me sound like Satan (I want all the glory, etc. etc). Here's my defensive answer to myself about that . . . the children are years and years from saying a sincere 'thank you' and at my rate of being so selfish - they might NEVER say 'thank you.' I think being a mom is incredibly unrewarding but you still have your special motherly love for your children and them for you. Having an unrewarding task like step-mom and not receiving or feeling that love makes me feel empty and like I might go a little insane everyday. I don't take meds (yet. Yet.) so for now, to get me through the weekends or nights with the kids, I need a compliment and a 'thank you.' Hopefully I will grow out of this (I know my husband would appreciate this), but for now, this is what I need to survive.
A step parent is expected to love and care for kids that aren't theirs but pretend that they are. Tucking our (at the time) 3 year old into bed after feeding her dinner, getting her changed and reading her a story (things I do out of duty - I'm not at the point where this is a 'joy') she looked at me and said, 'You're not my Real Mommy, you're a Step Mommy.' Thanks, little one, I had totally forgotten as I looked at your face that is the spitting image of your mother and has no resemblance to my husband - let alone myself. I wanted to say, 'Well let's just call your mom who cares so much about family and she can do all this work and put up with your irrational temper tantrums while I go to a movie. Oh wait, she broke up your family so she could marry a rich, old man who was also married, maybe she's not the best person to do this also.' But, instead I gritted my teeth and barely spout out, 'I know, sweetie, and I love you so much.' I believe this is referred to as, 'Fake it, 'til you make it.'
I guess it doesn't help that I'm not a kid person. I love my nieces and nephews, and some of my friends' kids I love so much it hurts. But, a stranger walking down the street with a child? I could care less about them. Random kids are not my thing. And little jerk kids are even worse. Not that my step-children are jerks all the time - they're probably the normal amount of kid-jerk but since I didn't make them, have any genetic tie to them or have any say in how they were shaped, when they are jerks I want to scream.
It took almost a year from when I met them before they started to regard me as an authority figure. They weren't being obstinate, it was more like they didn't hear me, like my mean voice didn't register. And one thing I learned about kids, is when they seem like they're ignoring you, chances are they aren't - they just aren't listening and it's not processing as a message. As opposed to me, when I hear them and ignore them, I'm hearing everything but I am choosing not to respond. Because, I, too am a jerk. But I'm an adult jerk and it's different.
Maybe it gets better? I'm only two years into this scenario (I met my husband in June of 2012 and the kids in August of 2012), so I am still a novice. Sometimes I think it's improving and then all of a sudden it seems to worsen. But do you know what would help immensely? Recognition. I know, that sounds like a selfish answer (because it IS a selfish answer) but when I get recognized by my parents or friends or in-laws it makes me blush and I want to be better. And when I get it from my husband? It feels like heaven. I'm sure to my spouse he thinks he's constantly praising me, but from my perspective it's barely enough and since I'm the one being a bigger baby I think I should win and he should praise me even more.
I JUST realized that makes me sound like Satan (I want all the glory, etc. etc). Here's my defensive answer to myself about that . . . the children are years and years from saying a sincere 'thank you' and at my rate of being so selfish - they might NEVER say 'thank you.' I think being a mom is incredibly unrewarding but you still have your special motherly love for your children and them for you. Having an unrewarding task like step-mom and not receiving or feeling that love makes me feel empty and like I might go a little insane everyday. I don't take meds (yet. Yet.) so for now, to get me through the weekends or nights with the kids, I need a compliment and a 'thank you.' Hopefully I will grow out of this (I know my husband would appreciate this), but for now, this is what I need to survive.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Merging My Single Self with My Married Self
So, from what I've heard, the first year of marriage is the toughest. For me, it was the first year and a half (maybe kids and an ex-wife take an extra 6?).
In the church, being categorized as a 'Mid-Single' is not the best. There were some moments when I felt like a leper, like when I was asked by a church leader if I was 'too cool' for marriage. ('No, I'm just not attractive enough for the guys in my ward but, thanks for asking.'). However, my years in the family ward, after 17 years in a singles ward, were far more spiritually fulfilling than in the singles ward (sorry guys, it's true). I carved out my niche as a lone person surrounded by families and married couples and I felt fine. In fact, I felt really good. Sure I wanted to get married but I wasn't going to let that define me or hurt my relationship with God (for the most part, I Did have moments where I was like, 'Uh, Heaven'y Father, did you forget me?').
So when I got married, there were some things I struggled with. I often found myself saying things like 'my apartment,' 'my room,' 'my bed,' which made me feel horrible as soon as I said it, like some self-centered Lance Armstrong type (too harsh? I've just never been a fan). It's just that I was single for 35 years before I got married and these were just habitual phrases, not a state of mind.
I'm not sure what two single people with no previous children would struggle with when getting married, but I am sure it would be difficult (and I'm not being sarcastic, promise!). Like people in my boat, I've never had the luxury of being truly alone with my spouse. I'm sure if my husband didn't have kids I'd find something to struggle with, right? Maybe? Maybe not, the truth is, he's a sweet, calm, hilarious man and I think maybe things would be too perfect if we didn't have our current circumstances. We'd be those annoying couples on InstaGram who post kissing photos along with 'I married my sweetheart! XOXO!' So good thing we're not in THAT boat.
My 'Married Self' is also my 'Parent Self' and going from totally on my own to Wife/Step-Mother was like being thrown (really hard, like so hard it hurts) into a brick wall. So yes, the first year of marriage was hard. It was actually the hardest year of my life and I'm tempted to say the 'worst' year of my life, but thats sounds too dramatic so I'll wait 10 years and THEN call it the 'worst' year of my life.
Not only did I have a husband to account to and be accountable for there were also four kids and an Ex-Spouse who (and I'm trying so hard to be diplomatic) did not want to lose control of anything. ANYTHING. I wasn't myself and I wasn't comfortable in this new life for the first 18 months.
So what finally changed/ felt better? Two major things: 1. We were sealed in the temple and 2. I did not have contact or see the EX for a good 6 months. And, the kids were finally starting to obey me. I'm still not entirely myself (I used to dance more and always felt happy - even on sad days I knew they were really just less-happy days), and I might get that back or it might be dead altogether (a lot of my friends who have been married for a while with kids talk about or just are less fun than when we were single). In the end, life is about progress and I guess for me, true progress comes with pain and suffering (a lesson I learned on my mission). Well, I'm glad I got that figured out.
P.S. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable saying, 'My husband . . . ' because I feel like I'm bragging (it's the mid-single in me), so even writing about my 'Married Self' feels a little arrogant. I guess I AM like Lance Armstrong, after all.
In the church, being categorized as a 'Mid-Single' is not the best. There were some moments when I felt like a leper, like when I was asked by a church leader if I was 'too cool' for marriage. ('No, I'm just not attractive enough for the guys in my ward but, thanks for asking.'). However, my years in the family ward, after 17 years in a singles ward, were far more spiritually fulfilling than in the singles ward (sorry guys, it's true). I carved out my niche as a lone person surrounded by families and married couples and I felt fine. In fact, I felt really good. Sure I wanted to get married but I wasn't going to let that define me or hurt my relationship with God (for the most part, I Did have moments where I was like, 'Uh, Heaven'y Father, did you forget me?').
So when I got married, there were some things I struggled with. I often found myself saying things like 'my apartment,' 'my room,' 'my bed,' which made me feel horrible as soon as I said it, like some self-centered Lance Armstrong type (too harsh? I've just never been a fan). It's just that I was single for 35 years before I got married and these were just habitual phrases, not a state of mind.
I'm not sure what two single people with no previous children would struggle with when getting married, but I am sure it would be difficult (and I'm not being sarcastic, promise!). Like people in my boat, I've never had the luxury of being truly alone with my spouse. I'm sure if my husband didn't have kids I'd find something to struggle with, right? Maybe? Maybe not, the truth is, he's a sweet, calm, hilarious man and I think maybe things would be too perfect if we didn't have our current circumstances. We'd be those annoying couples on InstaGram who post kissing photos along with 'I married my sweetheart! XOXO!' So good thing we're not in THAT boat.
My 'Married Self' is also my 'Parent Self' and going from totally on my own to Wife/Step-Mother was like being thrown (really hard, like so hard it hurts) into a brick wall. So yes, the first year of marriage was hard. It was actually the hardest year of my life and I'm tempted to say the 'worst' year of my life, but thats sounds too dramatic so I'll wait 10 years and THEN call it the 'worst' year of my life.
Not only did I have a husband to account to and be accountable for there were also four kids and an Ex-Spouse who (and I'm trying so hard to be diplomatic) did not want to lose control of anything. ANYTHING. I wasn't myself and I wasn't comfortable in this new life for the first 18 months.
So what finally changed/ felt better? Two major things: 1. We were sealed in the temple and 2. I did not have contact or see the EX for a good 6 months. And, the kids were finally starting to obey me. I'm still not entirely myself (I used to dance more and always felt happy - even on sad days I knew they were really just less-happy days), and I might get that back or it might be dead altogether (a lot of my friends who have been married for a while with kids talk about or just are less fun than when we were single). In the end, life is about progress and I guess for me, true progress comes with pain and suffering (a lesson I learned on my mission). Well, I'm glad I got that figured out.
P.S. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable saying, 'My husband . . . ' because I feel like I'm bragging (it's the mid-single in me), so even writing about my 'Married Self' feels a little arrogant. I guess I AM like Lance Armstrong, after all.
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