When It Comes to the Kids My Husband's Brain Turns to Mush

I don't think there are two more different mind sets than 'Those With Children' and 'Those Without Children.'  

I understand that my husband feels things that I cannot even comprehend for his children.  I've seen it.  They will be awful and disrespectful and even though he might get frustrated he just sees them through 'Parental Love Glasses' and deems certain things as endearing and child-like.  Where as I see them through 'Everyone Else's Glasses' and think they're being nightmares.

One example of Mush Brain: he will complain about other children and I have to bite my tongue to not say 'our kids are 10 times worse!'  I'm constantly asking them to not do  the same things over and over (like jump on the furniture) and I'm blatantly ignored and I think if he saw another child do this he'd be furious.  The worst part is, he knows his brain is mush and he stands by that as a parental right.  

Part of my frustration and our butting heads is that obviously I can't understand what it's like to have my own children but at one point my husband didn't have kids, so can't he place himself in my shoes as someone who was once childless?  Apparently not.  

I get it, having children is a life changing experience and hopefully one day I'll be able to experience that, but I really want my spouse's help.  But, how to approach the subject without offending him?  As soon as I reference something about the kids, whether it be neutral or remotely smacks of negativity, I can feel a defensive wall go up.  Suddenly it becomes him and his kids Vs. me, the step parent.  

My mom's advice (who was in my husband's place) is to ignore it completely.  She'll send me text messages when she knows I'm with the kids that say, 'Try to have fun' or 'Enjoy this hour with them.'   She's anticipating that they're being naughty and I'm at the end of my rope.  She's always right too because I feel like they ARE mostly naughty and I AM mostly out of patience.  

A friend of mine sent me THIS LINK from an advice columnist that helped put things in perspective.  The man writing in and was absolutely incredulous when he heard his second's wife's feelings for his children.  I loved that the advice writer scolded him and not his wife.  I also thought, good for the step mom for faking it so well!  My husband is aware of how I feel at times about the kids (listen, sometimes I adore/ like them - 50% of the time), so he can't plead ignorance, but I wish I had faked it earlier.  

It's basically a lose/ lose.  My husband has made it clear that he can't separate his feelings for his kids with common sense.  They are always going to be in my life and the last two years have shown me that their personalities are basically set in stone.  The youngest child is the only one who demonstrates a polite, obedient personality, very different from the other children (and this child is currently 3!  It's a huge miracle in my life, considering all I know about 3 YEAR OLDS).

When I was a mid-single I watched as women (who I was friends with or just knew in the ward) brains' turned to mush when they got engaged.  It wasn't as bad as parental mush brain but it was noticeably annoying.  I wasn't trying to be sour grapes, but I was surprised at how insensitive they were to us spinsters whom they were leaving behind.  It was like all their experience of being lonely or uncertain or even scared of facing the possibility of living alone forever was gone; they couldn't understand why we couldn't feel the same as them.  

I remember one RS lesson in the single's ward when the teacher was finishing her lesson, in tears, saying she was going to get married a week before her 31st birthday and how she was so grateful she made it to marriage before the mid-single cut off, as if that was the worst thing imaginable.  Only she forgot a good number of us sitting in that lesson were over 31, actually I'm sure she didn't forget because she knew all of us fairly well, but her brain just turned to mush.  She used phrases like, 'I thought the Lord had forgotten me' and 'I know the Lord answers prayers.'  Um, and did he forget the rest of us who were all clearly single?  Just pure mush.  

What that experience helps me realize is there's no reasoning with mush brain.  You can ignore the insensitive comments and pure stupidity or get mad with no solution in sight.  And if I do have my own kids one day, I will hopefully be able to remember what it's like for the rest of the world.  

I want my struggles to help me remember the other perspective.  So far I'm hopeful, as I feel more akin to mid-singles in our ward than the young married couples (I really try to avoid  excessive PDA in church).  

My husband keeps telling me I'll change as soon as I have kids and will forget the other side of things.  The horror!  That seems as bad as turning into a zombie (I'm not kidding)!  The thing with parental mush brain is that it only involves you and your children - so that everyone else in the world is wrong or just on the other side.  I pray that my family is blunt enough to tell me the truth if this ever does happen.  Thankfully, they are incredibly blunt and I also have this as a written account to hold myself accountable.    

Step Parenting a Child with Behavioral Issues / Mental Disabilities or How to be Just Horrible

Is it fair to say you've reached an all time low when you let an 8 year old's comments make you cry?

When I met my husband's oldest child, let's call them "Child A," this child was 6 and immediately I knew there was something different about them.  "A" was on the same level with the 3 year old child (Three! My Favorite Age!) socially and behaviorally.

It's interesting to observe a parent so closely, as I do with my husband, I can see how differently he loves each child in a completely unique way to that child.  "Child A" is not the favorite (there are no favorites) but, they are the child who receives the most special treatment, the one my husband spends the most time fretting over, making sure "A" never feels too ostracized.  It's exhausting and can be frustrating at times.  "Child A" does not make ANYTHING easy.

Right now you're thinking, 'You big jerk, this is a child with special needs and you're complaining?!'  Why, yes, I am.  When I first met "A" I, too felt overprotective and a great, natural love for them.   However over the last 2 years, I have been worn down from loving to barely tolerate.  I see this child manipulate and control situations like a 3 year old on steroids.  I see our whole family bend over backwards for "A" and "A" just wants even more.

When I first met "Child A" I was sure they had some form of autism and I researched about the subject and felt like I could help "A."  However after months of elaborate tests and meetings with doctors and therapists the official diagnosis was that "A" does not fall on the autism spectrum and is not mentally retarded.  Which means "Child A's" issues are behavioral as opposed to mental.  Which made my tolerance level drop immediately.

"Child A" is perfectly sweet until they want something or want to do something and are told 'no.'  Then "A" morphs into a little monster, complete with tantrums and violence.  These range from  ridiculous ("I want a Christmas Tree" in September) to, in my opinion, spoiled ("I want my own puppy," when at the Ex's house they have a family dog and cat and we bought this child their own bird and fish).  Then, without fail, it starts: the whining which leads to tears which leads to trying to run away or kick, spit or hit.

I have had about 6 melt downs with this child (when my husband wasn't there) where I am often trying to hold down "A" and I'm the one crying.  When "Child A" was 6, I could constrain them but now at age 8, "A" is too large in stature (and it doesn't help that I'm small and weak) for me to physically stop.  I have been overpowered by "A" on more than one occasion.  Very demeaning moments for me, like the one in the chapel during a sacrament talk where I fell over the child, feet up, dress up, on the floor (my husband was in the hall with the baby).

"Child A" has no self control and will eat until sick, but if you attempt to curtail the portions or say 'No, you can't have thirds,' there will be a fight.  My husband will cave and "A" has eaten so much they have vomited later that night.  I then turn into the mean one, the disciplinary who looks like they are starving a poor child.  This has been my role since I started dating my husband and it's basically The Worst.

Thank goodness for therapy.  I spoke with a therapist who had some basic advice, so basic I wanted to punch myself for not thinking about of it first.  The first is: 80% of the time a child does not need to be disciplined right at that moment, especially if I have lost control of myself in that moment.  I can let the child know they've done something wrong and it will be addressed, just not right then.  The second was that I don't have to be the disciplinary.  If my husband isn't there at the time of the incident, I can let the child know their father is going to handle it when he gets home.  When he does get home I also need to briefly talk to him about my expectations of what should happen since I was the adult present.  But, in the end, he is the biological father and I also need to respect his decision.

However, all this and my common sense went out the window last night.

Look, I know I'm the adult and a child is a child, but sometimes their comments hit at the core and break my heart, even when they don't mean to hurt me.  It's not something I'm proud of.  Not letting their remarks hurt is something I'm trying to correct all the time, it's on my 'To Do List' right after exercise 3 days a week and quit dairy.   My achilles heel is when the kids talk about any time when 'mommy and daddy were married' or wishing that daddy was still married to mommy.  I know! Not their fault and I need to be a grown up and smile lovingly and think, 'Poor dears, of course they don't mean to slight me, they just hurt.'  Do I do that?  Heck no!

Last night we finished with dinner and were going to drop the kids off at their mother's house.  "Child A" protested that they didn't want to go and when my husband asked why, "A" responded with, "I don't want you to not be married to Mommy!  I want you and Mommy to get back together and you live with us!"  My husband tried to quiet "A" but "A" kept going and then the 5 year old started in on not wanting mommy and daddy to be broken up anymore.  I wanted to turn around and snap, 'Then you should have told your mommy that when she was sleeping with her boyfriend!" or something along those lines.  You know: Your mother did this, stop torturing your dad and disrespecting me.  Anyway, I had spent an evening watching the kids, ordering their food, setting it up for them and making sure they were comfortable, especially "Child A" and I was worn out.  Now our time together was ending and all "A" cared about was 'Getting the band back together' (more or less).

I was so upset by these comments, and I started to feel tears well up, so I got out of the car and told my husband to drop them off and I would take a walk.  Thank goodness he let me.  I needed to remove myself from the situation and calm down and reason with myself.  If tests show this child doesn't have mental disabilities, then that means this child operates on a level of selfishness which is off the charts.  This child is completely unaware of anyone else around them and can't comprehend why they can't get everything they want when they want, or even worse, say what they want whenever they want regardless of the audience.  No matter how much I do or care for "Child A," I need to figure out how to accept that it will never be appreciated or mean that much to "A."

So I'm still trying to figure it out.  Where does this child truly fall in the realm of disabilities?  Surely, it has to be more than behavioral when the child eats and reasons like a 3 year old?  Can I just tell all those tests to 'Buzz off, you REALLY botched this diagnosis?'  Does the official diagnosis really hold so much weight with my own mental reasoning?  Apparently it does, which is ironic because I grew up being told meditation would cure a headache and I still half-way believe this.

Me getting out of the car to clear my thoughts really affected my husband too.  For once, I felt like he understood how hurt I feel when "Child A" is insensitive to me.  When he picked me up he was visibly upset for me and felt truly sorry.  In the past I think he would have been more calloused in his response to me; you know, 'Get over it!  These are children!'  But I think last night was a changing point for both of us, and maybe that's why we had this experience (my immature reaction and all).

I'm still in the midst of trying to work out my feelings for "Child A."  I would be the world's biggest jerk if I couldn't forgive and forget this incident (well, I am the world's biggest jerk anyway for even complaining about an 8 year old with special needs).  There are certain limits that I can't control: I can't control the amount of time I spend with "A" (sometimes I think more time would help), I can't control any chemical or emotional unbalance in this child's brain, and I can't control how this child feels (wanting mom and dad back together is perfectly natural, I saw 'The Parent Trap' staring Hayley Mills).  Right now, prayer seems to be my biggest ray of hope.  I can't change "A" and to change myself I need to be humble and pray all the time.  And therapy.  Lots of therapy.

3 Year Old Kids are Hard / 3 Year Old Step-Kids are a Nightmare

When I met my Husband his kids were 6, 5, 3 and 0 (ok, 10 months, but 0 sounds better).  The 3-year-old was affectionate and pretty cute and I thought, 'this child is going to be so easy to love!'  Wrong.

When I was a mid-single, I once offered to babysit as a prize for a Relief Society auction.  The sister who won had 4 kids and the youngest was 3 and when I was babysitting I was convinced the 3-year-old was possessed by Satan.  He was not only belligerent but violent.  His older siblings just ignored him and were really helpful to me and this kid just seemed like the odd-man out.  I know now from my awesome 2 years of experience that he was probably seeking attention and felt confused and left out - but even with this as an excuse - he was a complete terror/jerk/ idiot.  The next day I was talking to a friend who had a ton of kids to ask her if it was possible that this child was demon spawn.  No, she said, something happens when they turn 3 and they leave you and go into this really difficult stage but they'll come back to you after a year.  She was so zen about it.  I tucked this away for the next time someone asked me to babysit and if a 3-year-old was involved, I'd decline.

Now here I was with a soon-to-be step child who was in the middle of being 3 and this child was a complete psycho.  I couldn't stand this child.  I'd think of the scriptures when the Savior said in Matthew (18:6) "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that we were drowned int he depth of the sea."  I am NOT trying to make light of the Savior's words but I kept thinking, does this apply to me?  This child is nightmare and all I want to do is spank this child (NOTE: I have Never physically disciplined the children and I never will.)  Children in the scriptures were supposed to be our examples and they were going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom, not me.  But, did the Savior really know how awful kids could be?   Again, I'm not making a joke of His words, I genuinely struggled with this - like with tears and prayers.

I had seen my nieces and nephews and friends' kids have mini tantrums which, I get it, are normal.  But this child was manipulative and would hurt their older and younger siblings (as much as a puny 3 year-old could, I guess).  I wanted justice and progress and I was getting neither.  My husband would baby the child when they were being extra naughty and the child's behavior seemed to get worse.  I felt like I was in Crazy Town.  Did no one see what this little jerk was doing and saying?

Luckily, when the child hit 4 I noticed a change in behavior that had me thanking Heavenly Father in my prayers (literally).  I have since noticed though, this child is naughtier than the others and my husband thinks this is still cute, but I have my eye on them.

When the child is yours (adopted or birthed) you have a history with them, you've seen them go from helpless baby to curious toddler and then turn into a little devil child, so it's easier to remember the adorable times and remind yourself this is just a phase (hopefully).  When you're thrown into it - you want to pull your hair out and just be mean back to the kid.

I survived by removing myself from the situation (I used to leave the room all the time, especially at bedtime or nap time).  And reminding myself of my friend's words, that this was a phase and they'll come back to you when they hit 4.  And now we have another child hitting 3 and I can already see this child leave us and slowly creep into their own version of Crazy Town.  It's not easy but it is SLIGHTLY better, especially since this child was a really good 1- and 2-year-old.  And I pray a lot for very specific help; 'help me to remember this is just a phase and to be patient and love this child because this is really hard.'  

Most Unrewarding Job Ever: Step Parent

Let's be honest, being a step-parent is horrible.  I know parents who are raising their kids with a step-parent/ spouse might think they're in Just as hard a position but they're not.  They have the genetic make-up that allows them to love their kids even when the kids are being little jerks and the kids will always be theirs.

A step parent is expected to love and care for kids that aren't theirs but pretend that they are.  Tucking our (at the time) 3 year old into bed after feeding her dinner, getting her changed and reading her a story (things I do out of duty - I'm not at the point where this is a 'joy') she looked at me and said, 'You're not my Real Mommy, you're a Step Mommy.'  Thanks, little one, I had totally forgotten as I looked at your face that is the spitting image of your mother and has no resemblance to my husband - let alone myself.  I wanted to say, 'Well let's just call your mom who cares so much about family and she can do all this work and put up with your irrational temper tantrums while I go to a movie.  Oh wait, she broke up your family so she could marry a rich, old man who was also married, maybe she's not the best person to do this also.'  But, instead I gritted my teeth and barely spout out, 'I know, sweetie, and I love you so much.'  I believe this is referred to as, 'Fake it, 'til you make it.'

I guess it doesn't help that I'm not a kid person.  I love my nieces and nephews, and some of my friends' kids I love so much it hurts.  But, a stranger walking down the street with a child?  I could care less about them.  Random kids are not my thing.  And little jerk kids are even worse.  Not that my step-children are jerks all the time - they're probably the normal amount of kid-jerk but since I didn't make them, have any genetic tie to them or have any say in how they were shaped, when they are jerks I want to scream.

It took almost a year from when I met them before they started to regard me as an authority figure.  They weren't being obstinate, it was more like they didn't hear me, like my mean voice didn't register.  And one thing I learned about kids, is when they seem like they're ignoring you, chances are they aren't - they just aren't listening and it's not processing as a message.  As opposed to me, when I hear them and ignore them, I'm hearing everything but I am choosing not to respond.  Because, I, too am a jerk. But I'm an adult jerk and it's different.

Maybe it gets better?  I'm only two years into this scenario (I met my husband in June of 2012 and the kids in August of 2012), so I am still a novice.  Sometimes I think it's improving and then all of a sudden it seems to worsen.  But do you know what would help immensely?  Recognition.  I know, that sounds like a selfish answer (because it IS a selfish answer) but when I get recognized by my parents or friends or in-laws it makes me blush and I want to be better.  And when I get it from my husband?  It feels like heaven.  I'm sure to my spouse he thinks he's constantly praising me, but from my perspective it's barely enough and since I'm the one being a bigger baby I think I should win and he should praise me even more.

I JUST realized that makes me sound like Satan (I want all the glory, etc. etc).  Here's my defensive answer to myself about that . . . the children are years and years from saying a sincere 'thank you' and at my rate of being so selfish - they might NEVER say 'thank you.'  I think being a mom is incredibly unrewarding but you still have your special motherly love for your children and them for you.  Having an unrewarding task like step-mom and not receiving or feeling that love makes me feel empty and like I might go a little insane everyday.  I don't take meds (yet.  Yet.) so for now, to get me through the weekends or nights with the kids, I need a compliment and a 'thank you.'  Hopefully I will grow out of this (I know my husband would appreciate this), but for now, this is what I need to survive.