Ruined Birthdays and Changed Perspectives, You Know, the Usual

When it comes down to it, my oldest child, Child A, ruined my birthday.  But don't worry, I know how ridiculous this sounds as I'm an adult in my late 30s and Child A is a 9 year old with special needs.

The thing with my birthday was, I kept trying to make the day NOT about my birthday.  We had family in town and they wanted me to have a special day.  It was incredibly thoughtful, however, since we had the 4 kids and my husband had to work, I wanted it to be as normal and not special as possible.  We tried to all go out and have a nice family nature walk (without my husband) and it ended with Child A refusing to leave the car and eventually becoming so mad they threw rocks at me.  Granted, they only hit my feet, but these weren't pebbles - they were rocks.  At another point in the day, Child A was so unhappy that they had to do everything our large group was doing and ran as fast as they could into a busy street.  Needless to say, ALL activities were cut short and we all came home in grumpy moods.  I tried to insist that my family leave me with the kids or at least Child A and go out and do something fun, but the mood had changed and they were now afraid to leave me alone with Child A.  Ah, motherhood, or more specifically, step-motherhood.

My husband left work a little early when he heard the panic and anger in my voice and then when he came home, in my opinion, proceeded to baby and coddle Child A.  Well, you can guess how that made me feel.  I was suddenly furious with my husband.  This wasn't new behavior.  I see something really messed up and when I ask him to discipline it turns into hugs and giggling.  I think this was the event that truly ruined my day, so maybe I need to say my husband AND our oldest ruined my day.  OK, I'm mostly joking - I know that deep down No One can ruin my day, except for me.  Only I can control how I feel and react and this day taught me that I had a LONG way to go with controlling my emotions, especially as the 'adult in this scenario.'

When I saw my husband barely discipline Child A and the two of them proceed to joke, I interrupted this maddening, sweet moment to talk to my husband alone.  Yes, I lost it.  I was so angry, that yet again, Child A had manipulated my husband and no lesson was learned.  It didn't help that as we argued, Child A stood outside the door yelling that they were hungry and needed food right that second.  My mom offered Child A some veggies and Child A refused saying they wanted pizza.  I could barely think straight I was so incensed.  The evening ended with my husband taking the kids back to their mother's house and us barely speaking.

Now, let me tell the good news.

For the last year we have been trying to diagnosis and figure out Child A.  Nothing fit or made sense.  My husband wasn't too concerned, because he had so much love for this child he was sure that if we just let Child A feel love, it would all work out.  Turns out, he wasn't too off on this one.  The child's mother had a genetic test done and showed that Child A has a syndrome closely related to Down Syndrome.  This syndrome usually manifests in horrible health problems and low IQs.  Our child wasn't diagnosed because Child A is actually a very advanced, mild case which is really rare.

We found this out a few days after my birthday and, suddenly my perspective shifted completely.  Instead of becoming so irate and frustrated with Child A, I felt gratitude that their case was so light and that this child was as advanced as they were.  There were no huge health issues and Child A can pretty much function in public school (with half special ed courses).  When I read about other children with the same syndrome, my heart broke and I counted all of us to be so blessed that we lucked out with Child A.  I NEVER thought I'd say that about this kid.

Things are completely different now for me because of this changed perspective.  I have more patience and am more protective of Child A.  I still discipline and occasionally (read: a lot of the time) lose my temper, but I make sure Child A is treated fairly considering their mental disability.  This child has turned into a walking miracle for me.  I am in awe of their progress and how they function in life.  The Doctor's said it was unheard of for children with this syndrome to go 9 years without a diagnosis, because usually, these children spend their whole lives in the hospital.

Isn't it crazy how a slight change in perspective (in our case, a few DNA strands testing a certain way) can change everything?  I am so grateful and when I think back on my silly birthday, I think about how well Child A acted, all things considered.  I don't have the biological love that my husband has for this child, but this diagnosis helps me feel more of the love my husband had all along.  It was such an answer to a prayer, as I  have been praying to have more compassion and love for this child and through this scientific diagnosis, I do.  I am just so grateful that Heavenly Father is so patient with me.  He knew all along what ailed this child and thank goodness he gave this child a patient, loving father here on earth to be the advocate and protector.  Man, I can be such a jerk!  Hopefully I'll always remember this when my calm, sweet husband does something that I deem 'too sweet' or 'too soft.'  But, knowing me, it might not happen right away.

Be Careful What You Wish For - You Might Get Married

This sounds bad, right?  Let me explain!  No, maybe it is bad, because this is what I usually tell my #midsingle friends when they say they really want to get married.  Listen, in the end,  I wouldn't change one thing.  Marrying my husband in my mid-30s meant marrying into a situation with children and an Ex wife.  It also meant I got to work and travel and buy expensive juice and cheese and it would last me weeks, not just one sitting (my husband eats so dang much).  I went to whatever movies I wanted without thinking twice: foreign, boring documentaries, stupid long ones that I wanted to see just for the cinematography.  I had a good life and I was overall happy.  But those moments of thinking, I'm not complete or missing out, especially as an LDS woman, did creep up and they could be paralyzing.

 That all changed in a very short time.  I mean, VERY SHORT.  After 6 weeks of dating, my husband and I got engaged.  I know, we're crazy, and I thought this sort of thing only happened at BYU (because I saw it happen there all the time).  However, I had never dated someone where it felt so right; where there was NO question in my mind that this was my future spouse.  And the next thing I knew, I was engaged, a soon-to-be step parent and also not the first wife on the scene.  I suddenly felt like I was drowning and I knew it would only get worse and it did! (and 'no' it wasn't because I was 'awful-izing' - I tried to be positive everyday).  I tried to postpone the wedding when I saw that my fiancé still had photos of his Ex on his Facebook page with comments like 'You're smoking hot.'  To me this was a sign that he wasn't ready for a second wife - he still hadn't eliminated the first one from social media - and most of their photos still looked like they were married.  To him this was because Facebook and social media were inane and he barely visited these sites anymore, so any photos left up were due to sheer forgetfulness.

Ugh, Facebook.  It seems like such a good idea and then you get married to someone with an Ex-wife and you want to start a new life with this person but there are all these photos and messages that blatantly remind you that you were not there first.  Generally speaking, I think FB is very different for men and women.  My husband is the first to remind me that nothing on social media is real - the smiles, the forced poses, the flattering lighting.  And I know he's right - I've posted so many photos of us looking like a perfect blended family who are SO happy - but I still forget when it comes to other people.  

I thought when I was single that life would feel more stable once I got married.  Everyone told me it was hard and I believed them but if you could go through life as a duo wouldn't it make you stronger and problems easier to conquer?  Perhaps, but not when you marry into kids and an Ex-spouse.  I have never felt more unstable or unsure of how things will turn out as a married person.  Again, I wouldn't change a thing - I don't want to be married to anyone else.  But I know that these trials are going to stick around for a long time and it's possible they could get worse.  Over the last two years I have used the phrase, 'Well, things can't get any worse, which means things are only going to get better!'  And I naively believed this, even though things Always managed to get worse.  The good news is, I have found out that I'm capable of more trials than I ever imagined (yay!).    

Of course, I did have a mental breakdown one night after a very intense fight with the Ex that left me in such a state of shock I was comatose for 2 hours.  That was a fun one.  I'm not sure if I could have moved if I wanted to, but my brain told me it would hurt less if I didn't move or respond to life so I didn't.  It actually felt very peaceful in my little shell but it did terrify my husband who  almost took me to the hospital.  One priesthood blessing later I came out of it but was so enraged at the fight (I felt like my husband threw me under the bus) that I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to look at my spouse for a good 12 hours.  Real stable, huh?  Not things you'd imagine feeling or experiencing as a single person.

So why am I sharing such seemingly awful stories and insight?  Just so you know, I'd probably still encourage most people to date and marry someone with kids and an ex-spouse (just be prepared for a possible hard time).  No, all this came about after I posted about infertility.

I got to waterski the other day.   Yes, that seems random and a bit like a non sequitur, but hear me out.  I don't know what it's like to be 100% responsible for a baby - from what I hear it's Really hard and exhausting.  And, maybe I'll have one and maybe I won't but in the meantime I need to appreciate every gosh darn moment I have in life.   If I can go waterskiing (on a day we don't have the kids) without thinking twice, that's a pretty good thing.  If I can stay up late watching movies (action and comedies, of course) with my husband on weekends when we don't have the kids and then sleep in the next day, that's a luxury I need to relish.

Good times are usually best appreciated after they pass and sometimes when you are going through rough times.  It's hard to sit back and think, THIS right HERE is a good thing, I need to remember this feeling for later when things might stink.  Ohhh wait, is this what people call living in the moment?  It's so much harder than it sounds, especially with kids, and even more especially with step-kids.  Last night I had a milkshake for dinner.  One huge Oreo milkshake and since I had this post on my mind, I savored every last unhealthy drink and it made me really happy.  Yes, I had a stomach ache later and I totally abandoned my diet, but in the moment I was happy and right now as I think back on it, it seems like heaven, especially since I'm only eating salad today.