When it comes down to it, my oldest child, Child A, ruined my birthday. But don't worry, I know how ridiculous this sounds as I'm an adult in my late 30s and Child A is a 9 year old with special needs.
The thing with my birthday was, I kept trying to make the day NOT about my birthday. We had family in town and they wanted me to have a special day. It was incredibly thoughtful, however, since we had the 4 kids and my husband had to work, I wanted it to be as normal and not special as possible. We tried to all go out and have a nice family nature walk (without my husband) and it ended with Child A refusing to leave the car and eventually becoming so mad they threw rocks at me. Granted, they only hit my feet, but these weren't pebbles - they were rocks. At another point in the day, Child A was so unhappy that they had to do everything our large group was doing and ran as fast as they could into a busy street. Needless to say, ALL activities were cut short and we all came home in grumpy moods. I tried to insist that my family leave me with the kids or at least Child A and go out and do something fun, but the mood had changed and they were now afraid to leave me alone with Child A. Ah, motherhood, or more specifically, step-motherhood.
My husband left work a little early when he heard the panic and anger in my voice and then when he came home, in my opinion, proceeded to baby and coddle Child A. Well, you can guess how that made me feel. I was suddenly furious with my husband. This wasn't new behavior. I see something really messed up and when I ask him to discipline it turns into hugs and giggling. I think this was the event that truly ruined my day, so maybe I need to say my husband AND our oldest ruined my day. OK, I'm mostly joking - I know that deep down No One can ruin my day, except for me. Only I can control how I feel and react and this day taught me that I had a LONG way to go with controlling my emotions, especially as the 'adult in this scenario.'
When I saw my husband barely discipline Child A and the two of them proceed to joke, I interrupted this maddening, sweet moment to talk to my husband alone. Yes, I lost it. I was so angry, that yet again, Child A had manipulated my husband and no lesson was learned. It didn't help that as we argued, Child A stood outside the door yelling that they were hungry and needed food right that second. My mom offered Child A some veggies and Child A refused saying they wanted pizza. I could barely think straight I was so incensed. The evening ended with my husband taking the kids back to their mother's house and us barely speaking.
Now, let me tell the good news.
For the last year we have been trying to diagnosis and figure out Child A. Nothing fit or made sense. My husband wasn't too concerned, because he had so much love for this child he was sure that if we just let Child A feel love, it would all work out. Turns out, he wasn't too off on this one. The child's mother had a genetic test done and showed that Child A has a syndrome closely related to Down Syndrome. This syndrome usually manifests in horrible health problems and low IQs. Our child wasn't diagnosed because Child A is actually a very advanced, mild case which is really rare.
We found this out a few days after my birthday and, suddenly my perspective shifted completely. Instead of becoming so irate and frustrated with Child A, I felt gratitude that their case was so light and that this child was as advanced as they were. There were no huge health issues and Child A can pretty much function in public school (with half special ed courses). When I read about other children with the same syndrome, my heart broke and I counted all of us to be so blessed that we lucked out with Child A. I NEVER thought I'd say that about this kid.
Things are completely different now for me because of this changed perspective. I have more patience and am more protective of Child A. I still discipline and occasionally (read: a lot of the time) lose my temper, but I make sure Child A is treated fairly considering their mental disability. This child has turned into a walking miracle for me. I am in awe of their progress and how they function in life. The Doctor's said it was unheard of for children with this syndrome to go 9 years without a diagnosis, because usually, these children spend their whole lives in the hospital.
Isn't it crazy how a slight change in perspective (in our case, a few DNA strands testing a certain way) can change everything? I am so grateful and when I think back on my silly birthday, I think about how well Child A acted, all things considered. I don't have the biological love that my husband has for this child, but this diagnosis helps me feel more of the love my husband had all along. It was such an answer to a prayer, as I have been praying to have more compassion and love for this child and through this scientific diagnosis, I do. I am just so grateful that Heavenly Father is so patient with me. He knew all along what ailed this child and thank goodness he gave this child a patient, loving father here on earth to be the advocate and protector. Man, I can be such a jerk! Hopefully I'll always remember this when my calm, sweet husband does something that I deem 'too sweet' or 'too soft.' But, knowing me, it might not happen right away.
Showing posts with label disabilities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disabilities. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Step Parenting a Child with Behavioral Issues / Mental Disabilities or How to be Just Horrible
Is it fair to say you've reached an all time low when you let an 8 year old's comments make you cry?
When I met my husband's oldest child, let's call them "Child A," this child was 6 and immediately I knew there was something different about them. "A" was on the same level with the 3 year old child (Three! My Favorite Age!) socially and behaviorally.
It's interesting to observe a parent so closely, as I do with my husband, I can see how differently he loves each child in a completely unique way to that child. "Child A" is not the favorite (there are no favorites) but, they are the child who receives the most special treatment, the one my husband spends the most time fretting over, making sure "A" never feels too ostracized. It's exhausting and can be frustrating at times. "Child A" does not make ANYTHING easy.
Right now you're thinking, 'You big jerk, this is a child with special needs and you're complaining?!' Why, yes, I am. When I first met "A" I, too felt overprotective and a great, natural love for them. However over the last 2 years, I have been worn down from loving to barely tolerate. I see this child manipulate and control situations like a 3 year old on steroids. I see our whole family bend over backwards for "A" and "A" just wants even more.
When I first met "Child A" I was sure they had some form of autism and I researched about the subject and felt like I could help "A." However after months of elaborate tests and meetings with doctors and therapists the official diagnosis was that "A" does not fall on the autism spectrum and is not mentally retarded. Which means "Child A's" issues are behavioral as opposed to mental. Which made my tolerance level drop immediately.
"Child A" is perfectly sweet until they want something or want to do something and are told 'no.' Then "A" morphs into a little monster, complete with tantrums and violence. These range from ridiculous ("I want a Christmas Tree" in September) to, in my opinion, spoiled ("I want my own puppy," when at the Ex's house they have a family dog and cat and we bought this child their own bird and fish). Then, without fail, it starts: the whining which leads to tears which leads to trying to run away or kick, spit or hit.
I have had about 6 melt downs with this child (when my husband wasn't there) where I am often trying to hold down "A" and I'm the one crying. When "Child A" was 6, I could constrain them but now at age 8, "A" is too large in stature (and it doesn't help that I'm small and weak) for me to physically stop. I have been overpowered by "A" on more than one occasion. Very demeaning moments for me, like the one in the chapel during a sacrament talk where I fell over the child, feet up, dress up, on the floor (my husband was in the hall with the baby).
"Child A" has no self control and will eat until sick, but if you attempt to curtail the portions or say 'No, you can't have thirds,' there will be a fight. My husband will cave and "A" has eaten so much they have vomited later that night. I then turn into the mean one, the disciplinary who looks like they are starving a poor child. This has been my role since I started dating my husband and it's basically The Worst.
Thank goodness for therapy. I spoke with a therapist who had some basic advice, so basic I wanted to punch myself for not thinking about of it first. The first is: 80% of the time a child does not need to be disciplined right at that moment, especially if I have lost control of myself in that moment. I can let the child know they've done something wrong and it will be addressed, just not right then. The second was that I don't have to be the disciplinary. If my husband isn't there at the time of the incident, I can let the child know their father is going to handle it when he gets home. When he does get home I also need to briefly talk to him about my expectations of what should happen since I was the adult present. But, in the end, he is the biological father and I also need to respect his decision.
However, all this and my common sense went out the window last night.
Look, I know I'm the adult and a child is a child, but sometimes their comments hit at the core and break my heart, even when they don't mean to hurt me. It's not something I'm proud of. Not letting their remarks hurt is something I'm trying to correct all the time, it's on my 'To Do List' right after exercise 3 days a week and quit dairy. My achilles heel is when the kids talk about any time when 'mommy and daddy were married' or wishing that daddy was still married to mommy. I know! Not their fault and I need to be a grown up and smile lovingly and think, 'Poor dears, of course they don't mean to slight me, they just hurt.' Do I do that? Heck no!
Last night we finished with dinner and were going to drop the kids off at their mother's house. "Child A" protested that they didn't want to go and when my husband asked why, "A" responded with, "I don't want you to not be married to Mommy! I want you and Mommy to get back together and you live with us!" My husband tried to quiet "A" but "A" kept going and then the 5 year old started in on not wanting mommy and daddy to be broken up anymore. I wanted to turn around and snap, 'Then you should have told your mommy that when she was sleeping with her boyfriend!" or something along those lines. You know: Your mother did this, stop torturing your dad and disrespecting me. Anyway, I had spent an evening watching the kids, ordering their food, setting it up for them and making sure they were comfortable, especially "Child A" and I was worn out. Now our time together was ending and all "A" cared about was 'Getting the band back together' (more or less).
I was so upset by these comments, and I started to feel tears well up, so I got out of the car and told my husband to drop them off and I would take a walk. Thank goodness he let me. I needed to remove myself from the situation and calm down and reason with myself. If tests show this child doesn't have mental disabilities, then that means this child operates on a level of selfishness which is off the charts. This child is completely unaware of anyone else around them and can't comprehend why they can't get everything they want when they want, or even worse, say what they want whenever they want regardless of the audience. No matter how much I do or care for "Child A," I need to figure out how to accept that it will never be appreciated or mean that much to "A."
So I'm still trying to figure it out. Where does this child truly fall in the realm of disabilities? Surely, it has to be more than behavioral when the child eats and reasons like a 3 year old? Can I just tell all those tests to 'Buzz off, you REALLY botched this diagnosis?' Does the official diagnosis really hold so much weight with my own mental reasoning? Apparently it does, which is ironic because I grew up being told meditation would cure a headache and I still half-way believe this.
Me getting out of the car to clear my thoughts really affected my husband too. For once, I felt like he understood how hurt I feel when "Child A" is insensitive to me. When he picked me up he was visibly upset for me and felt truly sorry. In the past I think he would have been more calloused in his response to me; you know, 'Get over it! These are children!' But I think last night was a changing point for both of us, and maybe that's why we had this experience (my immature reaction and all).
I'm still in the midst of trying to work out my feelings for "Child A." I would be the world's biggest jerk if I couldn't forgive and forget this incident (well, I am the world's biggest jerk anyway for even complaining about an 8 year old with special needs). There are certain limits that I can't control: I can't control the amount of time I spend with "A" (sometimes I think more time would help), I can't control any chemical or emotional unbalance in this child's brain, and I can't control how this child feels (wanting mom and dad back together is perfectly natural, I saw 'The Parent Trap' staring Hayley Mills). Right now, prayer seems to be my biggest ray of hope. I can't change "A" and to change myself I need to be humble and pray all the time. And therapy. Lots of therapy.
When I met my husband's oldest child, let's call them "Child A," this child was 6 and immediately I knew there was something different about them. "A" was on the same level with the 3 year old child (Three! My Favorite Age!) socially and behaviorally.
It's interesting to observe a parent so closely, as I do with my husband, I can see how differently he loves each child in a completely unique way to that child. "Child A" is not the favorite (there are no favorites) but, they are the child who receives the most special treatment, the one my husband spends the most time fretting over, making sure "A" never feels too ostracized. It's exhausting and can be frustrating at times. "Child A" does not make ANYTHING easy.
Right now you're thinking, 'You big jerk, this is a child with special needs and you're complaining?!' Why, yes, I am. When I first met "A" I, too felt overprotective and a great, natural love for them. However over the last 2 years, I have been worn down from loving to barely tolerate. I see this child manipulate and control situations like a 3 year old on steroids. I see our whole family bend over backwards for "A" and "A" just wants even more.
When I first met "Child A" I was sure they had some form of autism and I researched about the subject and felt like I could help "A." However after months of elaborate tests and meetings with doctors and therapists the official diagnosis was that "A" does not fall on the autism spectrum and is not mentally retarded. Which means "Child A's" issues are behavioral as opposed to mental. Which made my tolerance level drop immediately.
"Child A" is perfectly sweet until they want something or want to do something and are told 'no.' Then "A" morphs into a little monster, complete with tantrums and violence. These range from ridiculous ("I want a Christmas Tree" in September) to, in my opinion, spoiled ("I want my own puppy," when at the Ex's house they have a family dog and cat and we bought this child their own bird and fish). Then, without fail, it starts: the whining which leads to tears which leads to trying to run away or kick, spit or hit.
I have had about 6 melt downs with this child (when my husband wasn't there) where I am often trying to hold down "A" and I'm the one crying. When "Child A" was 6, I could constrain them but now at age 8, "A" is too large in stature (and it doesn't help that I'm small and weak) for me to physically stop. I have been overpowered by "A" on more than one occasion. Very demeaning moments for me, like the one in the chapel during a sacrament talk where I fell over the child, feet up, dress up, on the floor (my husband was in the hall with the baby).
"Child A" has no self control and will eat until sick, but if you attempt to curtail the portions or say 'No, you can't have thirds,' there will be a fight. My husband will cave and "A" has eaten so much they have vomited later that night. I then turn into the mean one, the disciplinary who looks like they are starving a poor child. This has been my role since I started dating my husband and it's basically The Worst.
Thank goodness for therapy. I spoke with a therapist who had some basic advice, so basic I wanted to punch myself for not thinking about of it first. The first is: 80% of the time a child does not need to be disciplined right at that moment, especially if I have lost control of myself in that moment. I can let the child know they've done something wrong and it will be addressed, just not right then. The second was that I don't have to be the disciplinary. If my husband isn't there at the time of the incident, I can let the child know their father is going to handle it when he gets home. When he does get home I also need to briefly talk to him about my expectations of what should happen since I was the adult present. But, in the end, he is the biological father and I also need to respect his decision.
However, all this and my common sense went out the window last night.
Look, I know I'm the adult and a child is a child, but sometimes their comments hit at the core and break my heart, even when they don't mean to hurt me. It's not something I'm proud of. Not letting their remarks hurt is something I'm trying to correct all the time, it's on my 'To Do List' right after exercise 3 days a week and quit dairy. My achilles heel is when the kids talk about any time when 'mommy and daddy were married' or wishing that daddy was still married to mommy. I know! Not their fault and I need to be a grown up and smile lovingly and think, 'Poor dears, of course they don't mean to slight me, they just hurt.' Do I do that? Heck no!
Last night we finished with dinner and were going to drop the kids off at their mother's house. "Child A" protested that they didn't want to go and when my husband asked why, "A" responded with, "I don't want you to not be married to Mommy! I want you and Mommy to get back together and you live with us!" My husband tried to quiet "A" but "A" kept going and then the 5 year old started in on not wanting mommy and daddy to be broken up anymore. I wanted to turn around and snap, 'Then you should have told your mommy that when she was sleeping with her boyfriend!" or something along those lines. You know: Your mother did this, stop torturing your dad and disrespecting me. Anyway, I had spent an evening watching the kids, ordering their food, setting it up for them and making sure they were comfortable, especially "Child A" and I was worn out. Now our time together was ending and all "A" cared about was 'Getting the band back together' (more or less).
I was so upset by these comments, and I started to feel tears well up, so I got out of the car and told my husband to drop them off and I would take a walk. Thank goodness he let me. I needed to remove myself from the situation and calm down and reason with myself. If tests show this child doesn't have mental disabilities, then that means this child operates on a level of selfishness which is off the charts. This child is completely unaware of anyone else around them and can't comprehend why they can't get everything they want when they want, or even worse, say what they want whenever they want regardless of the audience. No matter how much I do or care for "Child A," I need to figure out how to accept that it will never be appreciated or mean that much to "A."
So I'm still trying to figure it out. Where does this child truly fall in the realm of disabilities? Surely, it has to be more than behavioral when the child eats and reasons like a 3 year old? Can I just tell all those tests to 'Buzz off, you REALLY botched this diagnosis?' Does the official diagnosis really hold so much weight with my own mental reasoning? Apparently it does, which is ironic because I grew up being told meditation would cure a headache and I still half-way believe this.
Me getting out of the car to clear my thoughts really affected my husband too. For once, I felt like he understood how hurt I feel when "Child A" is insensitive to me. When he picked me up he was visibly upset for me and felt truly sorry. In the past I think he would have been more calloused in his response to me; you know, 'Get over it! These are children!' But I think last night was a changing point for both of us, and maybe that's why we had this experience (my immature reaction and all).
I'm still in the midst of trying to work out my feelings for "Child A." I would be the world's biggest jerk if I couldn't forgive and forget this incident (well, I am the world's biggest jerk anyway for even complaining about an 8 year old with special needs). There are certain limits that I can't control: I can't control the amount of time I spend with "A" (sometimes I think more time would help), I can't control any chemical or emotional unbalance in this child's brain, and I can't control how this child feels (wanting mom and dad back together is perfectly natural, I saw 'The Parent Trap' staring Hayley Mills). Right now, prayer seems to be my biggest ray of hope. I can't change "A" and to change myself I need to be humble and pray all the time. And therapy. Lots of therapy.
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