When my husband and I first got married, I thought, 'Well, if I can't have my own children I don't want to pursue intense fertility treatments, I'll just accept that it's not meant to be.' My husband even seemed to like this idea. I thought that my feelings for my step-children would meet any motherly desire. And you know what, they might in the end because I don't know what's going to happen in the future. But right now, today, after 18 failed attempts, I am struggling.
I was almost 35 when we got married and I knew it was possible my age could be an issue but I also thought in the back of my head, 'But I'm sure I can get pregnant.' When it didn't happen the range of emotions started with disappointment, melancholy and then worst of all, feeling like a failure. Irrational as it may be, I felt like a failure for not producing a child, especially since my husband tried 4 times and had 4 kids with his Ex (the Ex even had a child with her boyfriend, so this lady apparently can't Not get pregnant). Sobbing on the bed became a monthly ritual that I did in secret.
Loving and sweet as my husband is, he just didn't understand what I was going through. He and I were is completely different worlds. He was a father to 4 young children who were VERY close in age, so his parental needs were met (and then maybe exceeded) at an early age and he had 8 years of intense parenting under his belt. He had experienced pregnancy and child birth as a parent and raising a child from infancy on and he was still exhausted from it. The thought of starting ALL over again wasn't as appealing and I don't blame him. After a weekend with the kids I'm so tired I want to cry and I can't believe people do this and survive without having breaks. But I still want this for myself (I guess I hate sleep and date nights).
As months went by and still no baby, my emotions turned to frustration, impatience and resentment. I felt forgotten by Heavenly Father and slowly I started to take it out on the children. Not in an abusive way, Obviously, but I snapped at them more, I became stricter but not more loving and I had no patience. As soon as they arrived at our home I would find something to be angry about (literally spilt milk, and Yes! I know what they say about spilt milk! ugh!) and I felt justified in my snappy mood. My husband confronted me about a month ago, asking what was wrong because I was treating the children so differently. I knew I was but I had no explanation.
In the past when I had problems with needing more love for the kids I would just pray for it and this always worked. I was now on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father every night to give me more love and nothing was happening. In my heart I wanted to be my old, patient self, I wanted to change, but I felt like my prayers were being ignored as I grew even MORE impatient.
This wasn't fair to my husband or the children. I have never felt more out of control of my emotions and I needed help. So, recently I met with a therapist (more than once) and had some deep, personal revelations. The most important being this: my snappy temperament wasn't because the kids were naughty, it was deeper than that, I was angry at God for not blessing me with a child and taking this out on the kids. As soon as we had this breakthrough I felt awful because it was spot on. I really AM a horrible person! Yes, the kids are hyper and naughty at times but they needed someone who didn't yell or lose it over small things. I had become the wicked stepmother and they still loved me! Don't worry, I want to kick myself everyday.
What to do now?
Well, yesterday was better. Recognizing that I have become grouchier and why has helped a ton. When I felt myself getting impatient, I could step back and think, is this really something bad or am I taking out my frustrations on this child? Or as soon as my voice started to get louder I could stop and think, 'could I whisper this and get the same result?' (the answer was always Yes). I see that this could be something I have to continually work on, maybe forever, but it makes me happier and I know it makes my husband and the kids happier.
As far as infertility, I don't know what will happen. There are so many women who aren't able to have children and their lives go on, in fact I bet a lot of them have figured out how to be truly happy. I have no right to demand or expect a biological child from my Heavenly Father. Everyone has trials and some are heart breaking and some never go away, I just need to remember it's how I handle them that matters to God. But do you know what also helps? Hearing about some Hollywood actress who had a baby in her mid-40s.
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