Step Parenting a Child with Behavioral Issues / Mental Disabilities or How to be Just Horrible

Is it fair to say you've reached an all time low when you let an 8 year old's comments make you cry?

When I met my husband's oldest child, let's call them "Child A," this child was 6 and immediately I knew there was something different about them.  "A" was on the same level with the 3 year old child (Three! My Favorite Age!) socially and behaviorally.

It's interesting to observe a parent so closely, as I do with my husband, I can see how differently he loves each child in a completely unique way to that child.  "Child A" is not the favorite (there are no favorites) but, they are the child who receives the most special treatment, the one my husband spends the most time fretting over, making sure "A" never feels too ostracized.  It's exhausting and can be frustrating at times.  "Child A" does not make ANYTHING easy.

Right now you're thinking, 'You big jerk, this is a child with special needs and you're complaining?!'  Why, yes, I am.  When I first met "A" I, too felt overprotective and a great, natural love for them.   However over the last 2 years, I have been worn down from loving to barely tolerate.  I see this child manipulate and control situations like a 3 year old on steroids.  I see our whole family bend over backwards for "A" and "A" just wants even more.

When I first met "Child A" I was sure they had some form of autism and I researched about the subject and felt like I could help "A."  However after months of elaborate tests and meetings with doctors and therapists the official diagnosis was that "A" does not fall on the autism spectrum and is not mentally retarded.  Which means "Child A's" issues are behavioral as opposed to mental.  Which made my tolerance level drop immediately.

"Child A" is perfectly sweet until they want something or want to do something and are told 'no.'  Then "A" morphs into a little monster, complete with tantrums and violence.  These range from  ridiculous ("I want a Christmas Tree" in September) to, in my opinion, spoiled ("I want my own puppy," when at the Ex's house they have a family dog and cat and we bought this child their own bird and fish).  Then, without fail, it starts: the whining which leads to tears which leads to trying to run away or kick, spit or hit.

I have had about 6 melt downs with this child (when my husband wasn't there) where I am often trying to hold down "A" and I'm the one crying.  When "Child A" was 6, I could constrain them but now at age 8, "A" is too large in stature (and it doesn't help that I'm small and weak) for me to physically stop.  I have been overpowered by "A" on more than one occasion.  Very demeaning moments for me, like the one in the chapel during a sacrament talk where I fell over the child, feet up, dress up, on the floor (my husband was in the hall with the baby).

"Child A" has no self control and will eat until sick, but if you attempt to curtail the portions or say 'No, you can't have thirds,' there will be a fight.  My husband will cave and "A" has eaten so much they have vomited later that night.  I then turn into the mean one, the disciplinary who looks like they are starving a poor child.  This has been my role since I started dating my husband and it's basically The Worst.

Thank goodness for therapy.  I spoke with a therapist who had some basic advice, so basic I wanted to punch myself for not thinking about of it first.  The first is: 80% of the time a child does not need to be disciplined right at that moment, especially if I have lost control of myself in that moment.  I can let the child know they've done something wrong and it will be addressed, just not right then.  The second was that I don't have to be the disciplinary.  If my husband isn't there at the time of the incident, I can let the child know their father is going to handle it when he gets home.  When he does get home I also need to briefly talk to him about my expectations of what should happen since I was the adult present.  But, in the end, he is the biological father and I also need to respect his decision.

However, all this and my common sense went out the window last night.

Look, I know I'm the adult and a child is a child, but sometimes their comments hit at the core and break my heart, even when they don't mean to hurt me.  It's not something I'm proud of.  Not letting their remarks hurt is something I'm trying to correct all the time, it's on my 'To Do List' right after exercise 3 days a week and quit dairy.   My achilles heel is when the kids talk about any time when 'mommy and daddy were married' or wishing that daddy was still married to mommy.  I know! Not their fault and I need to be a grown up and smile lovingly and think, 'Poor dears, of course they don't mean to slight me, they just hurt.'  Do I do that?  Heck no!

Last night we finished with dinner and were going to drop the kids off at their mother's house.  "Child A" protested that they didn't want to go and when my husband asked why, "A" responded with, "I don't want you to not be married to Mommy!  I want you and Mommy to get back together and you live with us!"  My husband tried to quiet "A" but "A" kept going and then the 5 year old started in on not wanting mommy and daddy to be broken up anymore.  I wanted to turn around and snap, 'Then you should have told your mommy that when she was sleeping with her boyfriend!" or something along those lines.  You know: Your mother did this, stop torturing your dad and disrespecting me.  Anyway, I had spent an evening watching the kids, ordering their food, setting it up for them and making sure they were comfortable, especially "Child A" and I was worn out.  Now our time together was ending and all "A" cared about was 'Getting the band back together' (more or less).

I was so upset by these comments, and I started to feel tears well up, so I got out of the car and told my husband to drop them off and I would take a walk.  Thank goodness he let me.  I needed to remove myself from the situation and calm down and reason with myself.  If tests show this child doesn't have mental disabilities, then that means this child operates on a level of selfishness which is off the charts.  This child is completely unaware of anyone else around them and can't comprehend why they can't get everything they want when they want, or even worse, say what they want whenever they want regardless of the audience.  No matter how much I do or care for "Child A," I need to figure out how to accept that it will never be appreciated or mean that much to "A."

So I'm still trying to figure it out.  Where does this child truly fall in the realm of disabilities?  Surely, it has to be more than behavioral when the child eats and reasons like a 3 year old?  Can I just tell all those tests to 'Buzz off, you REALLY botched this diagnosis?'  Does the official diagnosis really hold so much weight with my own mental reasoning?  Apparently it does, which is ironic because I grew up being told meditation would cure a headache and I still half-way believe this.

Me getting out of the car to clear my thoughts really affected my husband too.  For once, I felt like he understood how hurt I feel when "Child A" is insensitive to me.  When he picked me up he was visibly upset for me and felt truly sorry.  In the past I think he would have been more calloused in his response to me; you know, 'Get over it!  These are children!'  But I think last night was a changing point for both of us, and maybe that's why we had this experience (my immature reaction and all).

I'm still in the midst of trying to work out my feelings for "Child A."  I would be the world's biggest jerk if I couldn't forgive and forget this incident (well, I am the world's biggest jerk anyway for even complaining about an 8 year old with special needs).  There are certain limits that I can't control: I can't control the amount of time I spend with "A" (sometimes I think more time would help), I can't control any chemical or emotional unbalance in this child's brain, and I can't control how this child feels (wanting mom and dad back together is perfectly natural, I saw 'The Parent Trap' staring Hayley Mills).  Right now, prayer seems to be my biggest ray of hope.  I can't change "A" and to change myself I need to be humble and pray all the time.  And therapy.  Lots of therapy.

Be Careful What You Wish For - You Might Get Married

This sounds bad, right?  Let me explain!  No, maybe it is bad, because this is what I usually tell my #midsingle friends when they say they really want to get married.  Listen, in the end,  I wouldn't change one thing.  Marrying my husband in my mid-30s meant marrying into a situation with children and an Ex wife.  It also meant I got to work and travel and buy expensive juice and cheese and it would last me weeks, not just one sitting (my husband eats so dang much).  I went to whatever movies I wanted without thinking twice: foreign, boring documentaries, stupid long ones that I wanted to see just for the cinematography.  I had a good life and I was overall happy.  But those moments of thinking, I'm not complete or missing out, especially as an LDS woman, did creep up and they could be paralyzing.

 That all changed in a very short time.  I mean, VERY SHORT.  After 6 weeks of dating, my husband and I got engaged.  I know, we're crazy, and I thought this sort of thing only happened at BYU (because I saw it happen there all the time).  However, I had never dated someone where it felt so right; where there was NO question in my mind that this was my future spouse.  And the next thing I knew, I was engaged, a soon-to-be step parent and also not the first wife on the scene.  I suddenly felt like I was drowning and I knew it would only get worse and it did! (and 'no' it wasn't because I was 'awful-izing' - I tried to be positive everyday).  I tried to postpone the wedding when I saw that my fiancé still had photos of his Ex on his Facebook page with comments like 'You're smoking hot.'  To me this was a sign that he wasn't ready for a second wife - he still hadn't eliminated the first one from social media - and most of their photos still looked like they were married.  To him this was because Facebook and social media were inane and he barely visited these sites anymore, so any photos left up were due to sheer forgetfulness.

Ugh, Facebook.  It seems like such a good idea and then you get married to someone with an Ex-wife and you want to start a new life with this person but there are all these photos and messages that blatantly remind you that you were not there first.  Generally speaking, I think FB is very different for men and women.  My husband is the first to remind me that nothing on social media is real - the smiles, the forced poses, the flattering lighting.  And I know he's right - I've posted so many photos of us looking like a perfect blended family who are SO happy - but I still forget when it comes to other people.  

I thought when I was single that life would feel more stable once I got married.  Everyone told me it was hard and I believed them but if you could go through life as a duo wouldn't it make you stronger and problems easier to conquer?  Perhaps, but not when you marry into kids and an Ex-spouse.  I have never felt more unstable or unsure of how things will turn out as a married person.  Again, I wouldn't change a thing - I don't want to be married to anyone else.  But I know that these trials are going to stick around for a long time and it's possible they could get worse.  Over the last two years I have used the phrase, 'Well, things can't get any worse, which means things are only going to get better!'  And I naively believed this, even though things Always managed to get worse.  The good news is, I have found out that I'm capable of more trials than I ever imagined (yay!).    

Of course, I did have a mental breakdown one night after a very intense fight with the Ex that left me in such a state of shock I was comatose for 2 hours.  That was a fun one.  I'm not sure if I could have moved if I wanted to, but my brain told me it would hurt less if I didn't move or respond to life so I didn't.  It actually felt very peaceful in my little shell but it did terrify my husband who  almost took me to the hospital.  One priesthood blessing later I came out of it but was so enraged at the fight (I felt like my husband threw me under the bus) that I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to look at my spouse for a good 12 hours.  Real stable, huh?  Not things you'd imagine feeling or experiencing as a single person.

So why am I sharing such seemingly awful stories and insight?  Just so you know, I'd probably still encourage most people to date and marry someone with kids and an ex-spouse (just be prepared for a possible hard time).  No, all this came about after I posted about infertility.

I got to waterski the other day.   Yes, that seems random and a bit like a non sequitur, but hear me out.  I don't know what it's like to be 100% responsible for a baby - from what I hear it's Really hard and exhausting.  And, maybe I'll have one and maybe I won't but in the meantime I need to appreciate every gosh darn moment I have in life.   If I can go waterskiing (on a day we don't have the kids) without thinking twice, that's a pretty good thing.  If I can stay up late watching movies (action and comedies, of course) with my husband on weekends when we don't have the kids and then sleep in the next day, that's a luxury I need to relish.

Good times are usually best appreciated after they pass and sometimes when you are going through rough times.  It's hard to sit back and think, THIS right HERE is a good thing, I need to remember this feeling for later when things might stink.  Ohhh wait, is this what people call living in the moment?  It's so much harder than it sounds, especially with kids, and even more especially with step-kids.  Last night I had a milkshake for dinner.  One huge Oreo milkshake and since I had this post on my mind, I savored every last unhealthy drink and it made me really happy.  Yes, I had a stomach ache later and I totally abandoned my diet, but in the moment I was happy and right now as I think back on it, it seems like heaven, especially since I'm only eating salad today.

Struggling with Infertility + Step-Parenting = Not Fun

I have watched many people close to me struggle with infertility and they always seemed so positive or they acted like it wasn't a big deal, just one of those things that happens.  For 18 months we have been trying to get pregnant and I am now in awe of those people.  It is heart breaking and frustrating and every month you go through the same hope, even as you feel PMS creep up, and then sadness.  When people ask me if I want my own children, since I have four already, I always politely smile and say, 'Yes.'  However, when family or friends ask, I have less dignity and tell them 'Yes! and it's not happening and this is really hard!'

When my husband and I first got married, I thought, 'Well, if I can't have my own children I don't want to pursue intense fertility treatments, I'll just accept that it's not meant to be.'  My husband even seemed to like this idea.  I thought that my feelings for my step-children would meet any motherly desire.  And you know what, they might in the end because I don't know what's going to happen in the future.  But right now, today, after 18 failed attempts, I am struggling.  

I was almost 35 when we got married and I knew it was possible my age could be an issue but I also thought in the back of my head, 'But I'm sure I can get pregnant.'   When it didn't happen the range of emotions started with disappointment, melancholy and then worst of all, feeling like a failure.  Irrational as it may be, I felt like a failure for not producing a child, especially since my husband tried 4 times and had 4 kids with his Ex (the Ex even had a child with her boyfriend, so this lady apparently can't Not get pregnant).  Sobbing on the bed became a monthly ritual that I did in secret.  

Loving and sweet as my husband is, he just didn't understand what I was going through.  He and I were is completely different worlds.  He was a father to 4 young children who were VERY close in age, so his parental needs were met (and then maybe exceeded) at an early age and he had 8 years of intense parenting under his belt.  He had experienced pregnancy and child birth as a parent and raising a child from infancy on and he was still exhausted from it.  The thought of starting ALL over again wasn't as appealing and I don't blame him.  After a weekend with the kids I'm so tired I want to cry and I can't believe people do this and survive without having breaks.  But I still want this for myself (I guess I hate sleep and date nights).  

As months went by and still no baby, my emotions turned to frustration, impatience and resentment.  I felt forgotten by Heavenly Father and slowly I started to take it out on the children.  Not in an abusive way, Obviously, but I snapped at them more, I became stricter but not more loving and I had no patience.  As soon as they arrived at our home I would find something to be angry about (literally spilt milk, and Yes! I know what they say about spilt milk! ugh!) and I felt justified in my snappy mood.  My husband confronted me about a month ago, asking what was wrong because I was treating the children so differently.  I knew I was but I had no explanation.

In the past when I had problems with needing more love for the kids I would just pray for it and this always worked.  I was now on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father every night to give me more love and nothing was happening.  In my heart I wanted to be my old, patient self, I wanted to change, but I felt like my prayers were being ignored as I grew even MORE impatient.  

This wasn't fair to my husband or the children.  I have never felt more out of control of my emotions and I needed help.  So, recently I met with a therapist (more than once) and had some deep, personal revelations.  The most important being this: my snappy temperament wasn't because the kids were naughty, it was deeper than that, I was angry at God for not blessing me with a child and taking this out on the kids.  As soon as we had this breakthrough I felt awful because it was spot on.  I really AM a horrible person!  Yes, the kids are hyper and naughty at times but they needed someone who didn't yell or lose it over small things.  I had become the wicked stepmother and they still loved me!  Don't worry, I want to kick myself everyday.    

What to do now?

Well, yesterday was better.  Recognizing that I have become grouchier and why has helped a ton.  When I felt myself getting impatient, I could step back and think, is this really something bad or am I taking out my frustrations on this child?  Or as soon as my voice started to get louder I could stop and think, 'could I whisper this and get the same result?'  (the answer was always Yes).  I see that this could be something I have to continually work on, maybe forever, but it makes me happier and I know it makes my husband and the kids happier.  

As far as infertility, I don't know what will happen.  There are so many women who aren't able to have children and their lives go on, in fact I bet a lot of them have figured out how to be truly happy.  I have no right to demand or expect a biological child from my Heavenly Father.  Everyone has trials and some are heart breaking and some never go away, I just need to remember it's how I handle them that matters to God.  But do you know what also helps? Hearing about some Hollywood actress who had a baby in her mid-40s.  

Boundaries, Boundaries and More Boundaries

One thing I wish I had done right when my husband and I became serious was set up boundaries between us and the Ex.  I was in that phase where I was just so happy to be with the man I loved and some strange lady was not going to have any affect on me.  Silly me.

The first time I met the Ex, my now-husband didn't even introduce us and I didn't know who she was (I should have studied her better from FaceBook - isn't that what social media is for?).  It was a strange interaction: we met her to get the kids and she didn't introduce herself, they were trading kids from one car to the next, and before I realized what was going on she was gone.  My husband later told me he was so nervous and so anxious about the meeting that he didn't know what to do.  That's fair.  Plus, he and I had only been dating a few weeks and although we knew we were serious, this was something we weren't ready to share with his Ex and the kids yet.

The problem for me was that my husband and the Ex wanted things to be as seamless as possible for their four children (which sounds like wonderful parenting and makes me completely horrible, which I am). This meant the Ex would walk into my In-Laws home (where my spouse was living) without knocking or announcing herself and comb through the rooms looking for the kids.  My In-Laws and I would be sitting on the sofa or talking in the kitchen and she wouldn't acknowledge us.  One moment I would be laughing with my soon-to-be new family and so happy and the next thing I would see is the Ex bursting through the door calling the kids' names and collecting their things.  It was always unsettling, like a punch to the gut.  To me it felt like a power thing - SHE was here first, these were HER kids, I'm the outsider, not her.  True, these could be all created within my mind's eye, but then again if you knew her and her history (a controlling person who had to assert her dominance over EVERYONE), this would be spot on.

I felt obligated to quietly go along with the situation.  One evening my husband and I were cuddled on a twin bed with one of the kids with the door closed, the next thing I knew the door flew open and she was in the room just staring.  She had come earlier than planned to get the kids and wanted them in the car that second.  Awkward?  Yes, yes it was.  Did I protest?  No.  I thought I was being the 'chill girlfriend'  and I told myself these things didn't bother me.  But they did.  A lot.

Now two years into this relationship (and 21 months into our marriage) I feel like we are barely at a place where I am comfortable.  And yes, it's ALL about me.  Just kidding, but as this is my blog, it kind of is.  Look, I know I sound super selfish but I view my life as 'our new family life.'  I want to create a stable, peaceful life and home for our new family (and hopefully that will involve children of our own).  Yes I agreed to step-mother but I did NOT agree to having my life controlled by an unhappy woman (meaning the Ex, not me, although I sound really unhappy, huh?).  Yes I want the kids to have a stable environment where they are shielded from the sadness of divorce as much as possible but that will never happen with me feeling 'less than' or as a 'peripheral' person in the lives of the children (the Ex actually used this word to describe me).  I need to feel like I have some control over my own life, which now includes my husband and four little kids.

When all this began, I wish I had had someone there who could have told me that creating a peaceful home does not mean becoming a doormat.  That it's OK to tell the Ex 'no' on occasion.  My husband was so worried about offending her or upsetting her (she has been known to take out her anger on the kids) that we catered to her every whim.  She's an adult, I don't know why we had to treat her like a temperamental baby (well, I do. . . ).  I know my husband was new at figuring all of this out but he was advised by her and some other people to not make waves to the point where the Ex felt comfortable still inserting herself into our private life.

Here is what I would have done differently:
Listened to my gut more and spoke up when something bothered me. 
Example: We went to the youngest child's 1st birthday party when we were dating at their old house where she was now living with her boyfriend and she called my husband 'Daddy' and when he sat down she fixed him a plate of food.  My gut told me this party was a huge mistake to begin with.  I would have said 'Heck no we're not going to a party at your old house with your Ex and her married boyfriend!'  but, I didn't think I had a say in such things.  This wasn't about my husband and his child (the kid was 1 - they didn't even know how to eat their own cake), this was about the Ex and my spouse and her family feeling like everything was OK.  Guess what, it's NOT OK - you two need to face the facts that both of your actions have led to hurt so don't create ridiculous situations where everyone feels weird just to save face.  Of course, I wouldn't have said it like that.

Let my husband know when we were dating that I didn't want him doing things in his old house (where the Ex, her married boyfriend and the 4 kids lived) - it made me uncomfortable.  Had I done that than he and I would not have spent a night babysitting in his old house for 4 hours while the Ex and her boyfriend went to a concert.  Four hours of staring at their old family portraits that hung all over the house (why the boyfriend didn't ask for those to come down is beyond me - they had no problem taking down the huge portrait of the Savior. . . .).  It made me sick to my stomach and I had a pounding headache by the end of the night.  If a divorcee is bringing a new spouse into the picture, that new spouse needs to feel comfortable in this new awful situation they are agreeing to.

Basically it all comes down to valuing how I feel and if I feel uncomfortable or sick about something the Ex is doing (that involves us) tell my spouse and ask him sweetly to change it ASAP. When my husband and I were dating and he lived with his parents, the Ex used to send two of the children with 'security blankets' that were her garments.  Symbols and all.  I told my husband to ask her to not send her underwear over when we had the kids but he refused and said it made him uncomfortable.  However, it made me so angry and More Uncomfortable than him (guaranteed) that I finally had to confront her after a few months.  I still hold a bit of chip on my should that my spouse wouldn't put a stop to the scenario but I have eternity to work this out on my own.  If I could go back in time I would have sat him down and calmly explained that this was Very Important to me and he needed to confront it and if not, I would but I would be disappointed.

I know newly divorced people don't even want to think about Boundaries - because this means it's real and this could hurt the kids, but if you plan on bringing a new spouse into your lives you must value that spouse more than your Ex spouse.  The sooner you establish boundaries the sooner you can build your new life in peace, which I think in the long run will help the kids more.  It might not be fun, but if the new spouse is content than it's easier for them to accept their new life and then slowly build a cordial, maybe even friendly relationship with the Ex one day.

I hope I progress to one day being happy when I see the Ex (really!), but when that happens it will be my decision and not one I have been bullied or forced into.