One thing I wish I had done right when my husband and I became serious was set up boundaries between us and the Ex. I was in that phase where I was just so happy to be with the man I loved and some strange lady was not going to have any affect on me. Silly me.
The first time I met the Ex, my now-husband didn't even introduce us and I didn't know who she was (I should have studied her better from FaceBook - isn't that what social media is for?). It was a strange interaction: we met her to get the kids and she didn't introduce herself, they were trading kids from one car to the next, and before I realized what was going on she was gone. My husband later told me he was so nervous and so anxious about the meeting that he didn't know what to do. That's fair. Plus, he and I had only been dating a few weeks and although we knew we were serious, this was something we weren't ready to share with his Ex and the kids yet.
The problem for me was that my husband and the Ex wanted things to be as seamless as possible for their four children (which sounds like wonderful parenting and makes me completely horrible, which I am). This meant the Ex would walk into my In-Laws home (where my spouse was living) without knocking or announcing herself and comb through the rooms looking for the kids. My In-Laws and I would be sitting on the sofa or talking in the kitchen and she wouldn't acknowledge us. One moment I would be laughing with my soon-to-be new family and so happy and the next thing I would see is the Ex bursting through the door calling the kids' names and collecting their things. It was always unsettling, like a punch to the gut. To me it felt like a power thing - SHE was here first, these were HER kids, I'm the outsider, not her. True, these could be all created within my mind's eye, but then again if you knew her and her history (a controlling person who had to assert her dominance over EVERYONE), this would be spot on.
I felt obligated to quietly go along with the situation. One evening my husband and I were cuddled on a twin bed with one of the kids with the door closed, the next thing I knew the door flew open and she was in the room just staring. She had come earlier than planned to get the kids and wanted them in the car that second. Awkward? Yes, yes it was. Did I protest? No. I thought I was being the 'chill girlfriend' and I told myself these things didn't bother me. But they did. A lot.
Now two years into this relationship (and 21 months into our marriage) I feel like we are barely at a place where I am comfortable. And yes, it's ALL about me. Just kidding, but as this is my blog, it kind of is. Look, I know I sound super selfish but I view my life as 'our new family life.' I want to create a stable, peaceful life and home for our new family (and hopefully that will involve children of our own). Yes I agreed to step-mother but I did NOT agree to having my life controlled by an unhappy woman (meaning the Ex, not me, although I sound really unhappy, huh?). Yes I want the kids to have a stable environment where they are shielded from the sadness of divorce as much as possible but that will never happen with me feeling 'less than' or as a 'peripheral' person in the lives of the children (the Ex actually used this word to describe me). I need to feel like I have some control over my own life, which now includes my husband and four little kids.
When all this began, I wish I had had someone there who could have told me that creating a peaceful home does not mean becoming a doormat. That it's OK to tell the Ex 'no' on occasion. My husband was so worried about offending her or upsetting her (she has been known to take out her anger on the kids) that we catered to her every whim. She's an adult, I don't know why we had to treat her like a temperamental baby (well, I do. . . ). I know my husband was new at figuring all of this out but he was advised by her and some other people to not make waves to the point where the Ex felt comfortable still inserting herself into our private life.
Here is what I would have done differently:
Listened to my gut more and spoke up when something bothered me.
Example: We went to the youngest child's 1st birthday party when we were dating at their old house where she was now living with her boyfriend and she called my husband 'Daddy' and when he sat down she fixed him a plate of food. My gut told me this party was a huge mistake to begin with. I would have said 'Heck no we're not going to a party at your old house with your Ex and her married boyfriend!' but, I didn't think I had a say in such things. This wasn't about my husband and his child (the kid was 1 - they didn't even know how to eat their own cake), this was about the Ex and my spouse and her family feeling like everything was OK. Guess what, it's NOT OK - you two need to face the facts that both of your actions have led to hurt so don't create ridiculous situations where everyone feels weird just to save face. Of course, I wouldn't have said it like that.
Let my husband know when we were dating that I didn't want him doing things in his old house (where the Ex, her married boyfriend and the 4 kids lived) - it made me uncomfortable. Had I done that than he and I would not have spent a night babysitting in his old house for 4 hours while the Ex and her boyfriend went to a concert. Four hours of staring at their old family portraits that hung all over the house (why the boyfriend didn't ask for those to come down is beyond me - they had no problem taking down the huge portrait of the Savior. . . .). It made me sick to my stomach and I had a pounding headache by the end of the night. If a divorcee is bringing a new spouse into the picture, that new spouse needs to feel comfortable in this new awful situation they are agreeing to.
Basically it all comes down to valuing how I feel and if I feel uncomfortable or sick about something the Ex is doing (that involves us) tell my spouse and ask him sweetly to change it ASAP. When my husband and I were dating and he lived with his parents, the Ex used to send two of the children with 'security blankets' that were her garments. Symbols and all. I told my husband to ask her to not send her underwear over when we had the kids but he refused and said it made him uncomfortable. However, it made me so angry and More Uncomfortable than him (guaranteed) that I finally had to confront her after a few months. I still hold a bit of chip on my should that my spouse wouldn't put a stop to the scenario but I have eternity to work this out on my own. If I could go back in time I would have sat him down and calmly explained that this was Very Important to me and he needed to confront it and if not, I would but I would be disappointed.
I know newly divorced people don't even want to think about Boundaries - because this means it's real and this could hurt the kids, but if you plan on bringing a new spouse into your lives you must value that spouse more than your Ex spouse. The sooner you establish boundaries the sooner you can build your new life in peace, which I think in the long run will help the kids more. It might not be fun, but if the new spouse is content than it's easier for them to accept their new life and then slowly build a cordial, maybe even friendly relationship with the Ex one day.
I hope I progress to one day being happy when I see the Ex (really!), but when that happens it will be my decision and not one I have been bullied or forced into.
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