I don't think there are two more different mind sets than 'Those With Children' and 'Those Without Children.'
I understand that my husband feels things that I cannot even comprehend for his children. I've seen it. They will be awful and disrespectful and even though he might get frustrated he just sees them through 'Parental Love Glasses' and deems certain things as endearing and child-like. Where as I see them through 'Everyone Else's Glasses' and think they're being nightmares.
One example of Mush Brain: he will complain about other children and I have to bite my tongue to not say 'our kids are 10 times worse!' I'm constantly asking them to not do the same things over and over (like jump on the furniture) and I'm blatantly ignored and I think if he saw another child do this he'd be furious. The worst part is, he knows his brain is mush and he stands by that as a parental right.
Part of my frustration and our butting heads is that obviously I can't understand what it's like to have my own children but at one point my husband didn't have kids, so can't he place himself in my shoes as someone who was once childless? Apparently not.
I get it, having children is a life changing experience and hopefully one day I'll be able to experience that, but I really want my spouse's help. But, how to approach the subject without offending him? As soon as I reference something about the kids, whether it be neutral or remotely smacks of negativity, I can feel a defensive wall go up. Suddenly it becomes him and his kids Vs. me, the step parent.
My mom's advice (who was in my husband's place) is to ignore it completely. She'll send me text messages when she knows I'm with the kids that say, 'Try to have fun' or 'Enjoy this hour with them.' She's anticipating that they're being naughty and I'm at the end of my rope. She's always right too because I feel like they ARE mostly naughty and I AM mostly out of patience.
A friend of mine sent me THIS LINK from an advice columnist that helped put things in perspective. The man writing in and was absolutely incredulous when he heard his second's wife's feelings for his children. I loved that the advice writer scolded him and not his wife. I also thought, good for the step mom for faking it so well! My husband is aware of how I feel at times about the kids (listen, sometimes I adore/ like them - 50% of the time), so he can't plead ignorance, but I wish I had faked it earlier.
It's basically a lose/ lose. My husband has made it clear that he can't separate his feelings for his kids with common sense. They are always going to be in my life and the last two years have shown me that their personalities are basically set in stone. The youngest child is the only one who demonstrates a polite, obedient personality, very different from the other children (and this child is currently 3! It's a huge miracle in my life, considering all I know about 3 YEAR OLDS).
When I was a mid-single I watched as women (who I was friends with or just knew in the ward) brains' turned to mush when they got engaged. It wasn't as bad as parental mush brain but it was noticeably annoying. I wasn't trying to be sour grapes, but I was surprised at how insensitive they were to us spinsters whom they were leaving behind. It was like all their experience of being lonely or uncertain or even scared of facing the possibility of living alone forever was gone; they couldn't understand why we couldn't feel the same as them.
I remember one RS lesson in the single's ward when the teacher was finishing her lesson, in tears, saying she was going to get married a week before her 31st birthday and how she was so grateful she made it to marriage before the mid-single cut off, as if that was the worst thing imaginable. Only she forgot a good number of us sitting in that lesson were over 31, actually I'm sure she didn't forget because she knew all of us fairly well, but her brain just turned to mush. She used phrases like, 'I thought the Lord had forgotten me' and 'I know the Lord answers prayers.' Um, and did he forget the rest of us who were all clearly single? Just pure mush.
What that experience helps me realize is there's no reasoning with mush brain. You can ignore the insensitive comments and pure stupidity or get mad with no solution in sight. And if I do have my own kids one day, I will hopefully be able to remember what it's like for the rest of the world.
I want my struggles to help me remember the other perspective. So far I'm hopeful, as I feel more akin to mid-singles in our ward than the young married couples (I really try to avoid excessive PDA in church).
My husband keeps telling me I'll change as soon as I have kids and will forget the other side of things. The horror! That seems as bad as turning into a zombie (I'm not kidding)! The thing with parental mush brain is that it only involves you and your children - so that everyone else in the world is wrong or just on the other side. I pray that my family is blunt enough to tell me the truth if this ever does happen. Thankfully, they are incredibly blunt and I also have this as a written account to hold myself accountable.
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