I had a friend, who also happens to be a therapist, carefully tell me that they were surprised at my attitude towards my step-children, considering how I was brought up. This friend told me that I had shared stories over the years of my childhood that absolutely broke their heart. These were stories that I always tell matter-of-factly, without trying to garner sympathy, mostly out of entertainment. I feel like I've made my peace with my past, maybe a little TOO much.
Every second of my life was spent knowing I was a step-child. I was the only child from my parent's brief marriage and they both moved on to have their own families and I was somehow left in the middle. I know how it feels to have a step parent look at you and feel their contempt, their annoyance that you exist. It's not the best feeling. I was very self-aware as a child and picked up on everything the adults in my life thought they were hiding so well.
How could I go through life as an unwanted step-child and then be so mean about my own step-children? You'd think I'd be showering these kids with unconditional love, trying to make up for my own childhood. My friend had a point and I also had answers.
We can start with the obvious, I'm a horrible, selfish person. I think a dilemma a lot of step-parents have (if they're semi-decent) IS the guilt they feel at not being kind enough or loving enough towards their step-kids. And in my opinion, this is already a step above the step-parents I had in MY life. They never felt guilt, but actually felt justified in how I was treated. I recognize that I'm not being Christ-like (patient, charitable, loving) to my step-kids when I'm disciplining them or losing it at them. But I also have a desire to change and be more like the Savior. It hasn't happened yet, but is something I work towards little by little. My guilt lets me know that I'm not where I want to be yet and I am willing to work on it. I DO think I'm horrible, but this also helps motivate me to be better. It's a weird feeling raising kids with someone you love who sees these kids as perfect angels and you see them as wild devil children. And, it feels miserable when your spouse, who you love so much, has sadness in their eyes because of something you've done to their kids (like yelling at them or criticizing them).
So does this experience give me more empathy for the adults who raised me? Yes and no. I get not having patience for kids that aren't biologically mine. I understand how they felt. Why they couldn't hide it better though, is not so cool. The adults in my life never hid their feelings, nor did they bite their tongue. I was told by one step-parent that this person couldn't wait until I was away with the Other parent, so that they could feel like a real family. The funny thing was, I knew exactly how this step-parent felt and there was no need to verbalize it, really. But, thanks for being so honest? Hope YOU feel better now. . .? When I compare myself to my step-parents I am very confident that I am already doing a much better job. However, the bar was set so darn low, basically anyone who's not a total jerk would be better.
Also, my kids are SO completely different from me as a child. I responded VERY quickly to discipline and learned from my mistakes. I feared all four of my parents and if I got in trouble I made sure never to repeat anything even similar to that mistake. Our children don't respond to ANY kind of discipline. Yelling and time outs are like jokes to them. Even consequences and trying to take toys away are met with an almost defiant attitude. They have never said it, but I feel like they look at me and think, 'Go ahead, I have so many toys.' Nothing sticks. Nothing helps them progress towards better behavior. Obviously, this isn't completely their fault. They have years of being raised a certain way before I came into the picture and they don't have consistency in rules between our home and their other home. It's like staring into a losing battle. So does that help justify why I'm not a better step-parent? Maybe, maybe not.
I look at my four step-kids and think, I can't relate to anything you're going through. Their experience is so different from mine. The parents in their lives are nothing like mine and their attitude towards adults and authority is so alien to me. I was also a kid over 30 years ago and so much has changed in parenting. My experience as a child, of fearing adults and being obedient, is now looked at as antiquated and wrong in a way. Children are reasoned with and asked not to do things. Push-over adults didn't exist in the 70s and early 80s and so when I see our children talk back to my husband it's something I can barely wrap my head around. I'll watch as my husband is ignored after asking the kids to do something, so I turn into the meanie who chases the child, grabs them and says, 'Did you hear your father!? Do not ignore him!'
It's possible my style of parenting will lead my kids to hate me and demand therapy and that's valid. We can start a savings account for it now.
In all honesty, I don't think I would have changed very much from my childhood. I learned to enjoy alone time, in fact, I preferred it over almost anything. I took care of myself and didn't need emotional support from another person to make me feel important. When it came down to it, it was me and Heavenly Father. He was the only person who was ALWAYS there to comfort me and make me feel loved and I did. Don't think for a second I'm trying to make this sound like a pity party, I was confident and happy, especially when I left for college. From my freshman year, until I got married, I always managed to feel peace and joy, even when I was sad.
I feel like my years as a step-child helped prepare me more for my years as a single LDS woman than for being a step-parent. I think the one thing that I've lost that I need to get back is the closeness I felt to God. Since getting married, I've felt like I'm 'survival mode,' like a chicken with its head cut off. Needless to say, this isn't conducive to mediating with the Lord and feeling His hand in my life. So I need to work on this and maybe the patience and love for my step-children will follow?
I've sort of felt forgotten by Heavenly Father as of late. And if there's one thing I've learned in the church, it's that if I feel this way, it's all of me.
I was talking to a friend today about this feeling of being forgotten and they suggested I listen to some talks from the Europe Area Sisters Meetings. Particularly the talks by Sister Hallstrom, Elder Hallstrom and Elder Bednar. Elder Bednar's talk made me feel the Spirit so strongly I listened to it three times and just cried (good tears). I loved his words about 'strengthening power' and for praying to be an Agent of the Lord and not just an Object (having no capacity of acting for yourself). It reminded me that I have had moments over the last few years of feeling the Spirit, to the point where I couldn't deny God was real. No miracles, no huge blessing, no grand gestures on His part, but He was there nonetheless. I need to find a way to harness this in my life so it's a longer-lasting feeling. Then maybe I'll be nicer and less horrible. Maybe.
No comments:
Post a Comment