Struggling with Infertility + Step-Parenting = Not Fun

I have watched many people close to me struggle with infertility and they always seemed so positive or they acted like it wasn't a big deal, just one of those things that happens.  For 18 months we have been trying to get pregnant and I am now in awe of those people.  It is heart breaking and frustrating and every month you go through the same hope, even as you feel PMS creep up, and then sadness.  When people ask me if I want my own children, since I have four already, I always politely smile and say, 'Yes.'  However, when family or friends ask, I have less dignity and tell them 'Yes! and it's not happening and this is really hard!'

When my husband and I first got married, I thought, 'Well, if I can't have my own children I don't want to pursue intense fertility treatments, I'll just accept that it's not meant to be.'  My husband even seemed to like this idea.  I thought that my feelings for my step-children would meet any motherly desire.  And you know what, they might in the end because I don't know what's going to happen in the future.  But right now, today, after 18 failed attempts, I am struggling.  

I was almost 35 when we got married and I knew it was possible my age could be an issue but I also thought in the back of my head, 'But I'm sure I can get pregnant.'   When it didn't happen the range of emotions started with disappointment, melancholy and then worst of all, feeling like a failure.  Irrational as it may be, I felt like a failure for not producing a child, especially since my husband tried 4 times and had 4 kids with his Ex (the Ex even had a child with her boyfriend, so this lady apparently can't Not get pregnant).  Sobbing on the bed became a monthly ritual that I did in secret.  

Loving and sweet as my husband is, he just didn't understand what I was going through.  He and I were is completely different worlds.  He was a father to 4 young children who were VERY close in age, so his parental needs were met (and then maybe exceeded) at an early age and he had 8 years of intense parenting under his belt.  He had experienced pregnancy and child birth as a parent and raising a child from infancy on and he was still exhausted from it.  The thought of starting ALL over again wasn't as appealing and I don't blame him.  After a weekend with the kids I'm so tired I want to cry and I can't believe people do this and survive without having breaks.  But I still want this for myself (I guess I hate sleep and date nights).  

As months went by and still no baby, my emotions turned to frustration, impatience and resentment.  I felt forgotten by Heavenly Father and slowly I started to take it out on the children.  Not in an abusive way, Obviously, but I snapped at them more, I became stricter but not more loving and I had no patience.  As soon as they arrived at our home I would find something to be angry about (literally spilt milk, and Yes! I know what they say about spilt milk! ugh!) and I felt justified in my snappy mood.  My husband confronted me about a month ago, asking what was wrong because I was treating the children so differently.  I knew I was but I had no explanation.

In the past when I had problems with needing more love for the kids I would just pray for it and this always worked.  I was now on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father every night to give me more love and nothing was happening.  In my heart I wanted to be my old, patient self, I wanted to change, but I felt like my prayers were being ignored as I grew even MORE impatient.  

This wasn't fair to my husband or the children.  I have never felt more out of control of my emotions and I needed help.  So, recently I met with a therapist (more than once) and had some deep, personal revelations.  The most important being this: my snappy temperament wasn't because the kids were naughty, it was deeper than that, I was angry at God for not blessing me with a child and taking this out on the kids.  As soon as we had this breakthrough I felt awful because it was spot on.  I really AM a horrible person!  Yes, the kids are hyper and naughty at times but they needed someone who didn't yell or lose it over small things.  I had become the wicked stepmother and they still loved me!  Don't worry, I want to kick myself everyday.    

What to do now?

Well, yesterday was better.  Recognizing that I have become grouchier and why has helped a ton.  When I felt myself getting impatient, I could step back and think, is this really something bad or am I taking out my frustrations on this child?  Or as soon as my voice started to get louder I could stop and think, 'could I whisper this and get the same result?'  (the answer was always Yes).  I see that this could be something I have to continually work on, maybe forever, but it makes me happier and I know it makes my husband and the kids happier.  

As far as infertility, I don't know what will happen.  There are so many women who aren't able to have children and their lives go on, in fact I bet a lot of them have figured out how to be truly happy.  I have no right to demand or expect a biological child from my Heavenly Father.  Everyone has trials and some are heart breaking and some never go away, I just need to remember it's how I handle them that matters to God.  But do you know what also helps? Hearing about some Hollywood actress who had a baby in her mid-40s.  

Boundaries, Boundaries and More Boundaries

One thing I wish I had done right when my husband and I became serious was set up boundaries between us and the Ex.  I was in that phase where I was just so happy to be with the man I loved and some strange lady was not going to have any affect on me.  Silly me.

The first time I met the Ex, my now-husband didn't even introduce us and I didn't know who she was (I should have studied her better from FaceBook - isn't that what social media is for?).  It was a strange interaction: we met her to get the kids and she didn't introduce herself, they were trading kids from one car to the next, and before I realized what was going on she was gone.  My husband later told me he was so nervous and so anxious about the meeting that he didn't know what to do.  That's fair.  Plus, he and I had only been dating a few weeks and although we knew we were serious, this was something we weren't ready to share with his Ex and the kids yet.

The problem for me was that my husband and the Ex wanted things to be as seamless as possible for their four children (which sounds like wonderful parenting and makes me completely horrible, which I am). This meant the Ex would walk into my In-Laws home (where my spouse was living) without knocking or announcing herself and comb through the rooms looking for the kids.  My In-Laws and I would be sitting on the sofa or talking in the kitchen and she wouldn't acknowledge us.  One moment I would be laughing with my soon-to-be new family and so happy and the next thing I would see is the Ex bursting through the door calling the kids' names and collecting their things.  It was always unsettling, like a punch to the gut.  To me it felt like a power thing - SHE was here first, these were HER kids, I'm the outsider, not her.  True, these could be all created within my mind's eye, but then again if you knew her and her history (a controlling person who had to assert her dominance over EVERYONE), this would be spot on.

I felt obligated to quietly go along with the situation.  One evening my husband and I were cuddled on a twin bed with one of the kids with the door closed, the next thing I knew the door flew open and she was in the room just staring.  She had come earlier than planned to get the kids and wanted them in the car that second.  Awkward?  Yes, yes it was.  Did I protest?  No.  I thought I was being the 'chill girlfriend'  and I told myself these things didn't bother me.  But they did.  A lot.

Now two years into this relationship (and 21 months into our marriage) I feel like we are barely at a place where I am comfortable.  And yes, it's ALL about me.  Just kidding, but as this is my blog, it kind of is.  Look, I know I sound super selfish but I view my life as 'our new family life.'  I want to create a stable, peaceful life and home for our new family (and hopefully that will involve children of our own).  Yes I agreed to step-mother but I did NOT agree to having my life controlled by an unhappy woman (meaning the Ex, not me, although I sound really unhappy, huh?).  Yes I want the kids to have a stable environment where they are shielded from the sadness of divorce as much as possible but that will never happen with me feeling 'less than' or as a 'peripheral' person in the lives of the children (the Ex actually used this word to describe me).  I need to feel like I have some control over my own life, which now includes my husband and four little kids.

When all this began, I wish I had had someone there who could have told me that creating a peaceful home does not mean becoming a doormat.  That it's OK to tell the Ex 'no' on occasion.  My husband was so worried about offending her or upsetting her (she has been known to take out her anger on the kids) that we catered to her every whim.  She's an adult, I don't know why we had to treat her like a temperamental baby (well, I do. . . ).  I know my husband was new at figuring all of this out but he was advised by her and some other people to not make waves to the point where the Ex felt comfortable still inserting herself into our private life.

Here is what I would have done differently:
Listened to my gut more and spoke up when something bothered me. 
Example: We went to the youngest child's 1st birthday party when we were dating at their old house where she was now living with her boyfriend and she called my husband 'Daddy' and when he sat down she fixed him a plate of food.  My gut told me this party was a huge mistake to begin with.  I would have said 'Heck no we're not going to a party at your old house with your Ex and her married boyfriend!'  but, I didn't think I had a say in such things.  This wasn't about my husband and his child (the kid was 1 - they didn't even know how to eat their own cake), this was about the Ex and my spouse and her family feeling like everything was OK.  Guess what, it's NOT OK - you two need to face the facts that both of your actions have led to hurt so don't create ridiculous situations where everyone feels weird just to save face.  Of course, I wouldn't have said it like that.

Let my husband know when we were dating that I didn't want him doing things in his old house (where the Ex, her married boyfriend and the 4 kids lived) - it made me uncomfortable.  Had I done that than he and I would not have spent a night babysitting in his old house for 4 hours while the Ex and her boyfriend went to a concert.  Four hours of staring at their old family portraits that hung all over the house (why the boyfriend didn't ask for those to come down is beyond me - they had no problem taking down the huge portrait of the Savior. . . .).  It made me sick to my stomach and I had a pounding headache by the end of the night.  If a divorcee is bringing a new spouse into the picture, that new spouse needs to feel comfortable in this new awful situation they are agreeing to.

Basically it all comes down to valuing how I feel and if I feel uncomfortable or sick about something the Ex is doing (that involves us) tell my spouse and ask him sweetly to change it ASAP. When my husband and I were dating and he lived with his parents, the Ex used to send two of the children with 'security blankets' that were her garments.  Symbols and all.  I told my husband to ask her to not send her underwear over when we had the kids but he refused and said it made him uncomfortable.  However, it made me so angry and More Uncomfortable than him (guaranteed) that I finally had to confront her after a few months.  I still hold a bit of chip on my should that my spouse wouldn't put a stop to the scenario but I have eternity to work this out on my own.  If I could go back in time I would have sat him down and calmly explained that this was Very Important to me and he needed to confront it and if not, I would but I would be disappointed.

I know newly divorced people don't even want to think about Boundaries - because this means it's real and this could hurt the kids, but if you plan on bringing a new spouse into your lives you must value that spouse more than your Ex spouse.  The sooner you establish boundaries the sooner you can build your new life in peace, which I think in the long run will help the kids more.  It might not be fun, but if the new spouse is content than it's easier for them to accept their new life and then slowly build a cordial, maybe even friendly relationship with the Ex one day.

I hope I progress to one day being happy when I see the Ex (really!), but when that happens it will be my decision and not one I have been bullied or forced into.

Obvious Rule #2: Don't Tell Your Spouse They've Ruined Your Life

Why I even have to write this one out just truly shows how horrible I am.

OK.  I know I wasn't forced into this marriage so really, if anything, I ruined my Own life.
Just kidding, my life wasn't ruined.  I'm an adult and I knew what I was getting myself into.  OK, that's a lie - I had NO idea what I was getting myself into but I was warned by everyone that it would be difficult.  And I knew it would be the hardest thing I had ever done.  I also knew this is what God wanted me to do; there was no doubt that this is what He wanted.  However, once I was in the thick of it I had so many moments when I thought, 'This is more than I can handle.'

Being married and a step-parent has changed me, and so far, not for the better.  It's taken my joie de vivre (sorry to sound pretentious but I really did have this), whatever small amount of beauty I had (grey hair, lifeless eyes, dead smiles . . . it's a wonder my husband can even concentrate when I'm around) and my sense of humor.  When we have the kids I'm in 'survivor mode' only, which translates to, 'I'm mean ALL the time.'

Someone once told me, a few months after we were married, that my husband had been given blessing after blessing since meeting me while I have had trial after trial since meeting him.  I know, this is so arrogant but I didn't say it, and I'm trying to make a  super selfish point, which is: since getting serious with my husband my life has been sacrifice after sacrifice and it's tiring and exhausting and frustrating.  (PS It warmed my heart when this person told me this, I felt like someone was on my side and recognizing that this was a very hard path I had chosen.)

The problem is, instead of handling it quietly like a lady, I told him a less harsh version of this.  He his reaction was more of anger and said that he had to sacrifice too.  And maybe he has.  I'm not the fun girl he once dated and I'm certainly not as cute and when we dated all I did was talk about how I was going to love these children to pieces.  I thought I would.  I also thought they'd be better behaved and that the Ex Wife wasn't going to cross boundaries and tell us when and where we were all going to move and send my husband texts about inside jokes they had when they were married that had nothing to do with the kids.

But I know I was in the wrong for expressing how I felt.  This goes back to just wanting to tell him, my BFF, Everything.  Except I hadn't thought this through at all because I was also telling this man I loved something really negative about himself.  Yes, he had made choices that had brought him to this point with these people in his life but, like I said before, I wasn't forced into this marriage.  I knew the Ex had a reputation for being, um, shall we politely describe it as 'unstable?'  I knew the kids demanded constant attention and didn't process discipline.  And I knew I had married such a sweet man, that if his Ex did cross boundaries he didn't care because nothing really upset and he didn't have any feelings for the Ex (positive or negative which is actually the best way to be).

Trials (for us as a couple and by myself) have been plentiful and the blessings have been pretty small and scarce but, it's not all about good times and that certainly doesn't mean my life has been ruined.  I really felt like Elder Uchtdorf was talking to me when he have his talk this last General Conference.  Grateful in Any Circumstances.

Actually, I felt like SUCH a jerk when I heard his talk!  I need to be grateful and for goodness sake stop thinking my life is ruined.  I also need to stop expecting blessings or more specifically, demanding happy times.  Like I mentioned before, life is about progressing and something that involves pain and suffering.  There have been small moments of happiness too, I'm not completely devoid of smiles or joy.

3 Year Old Kids are Hard / 3 Year Old Step-Kids are a Nightmare

When I met my Husband his kids were 6, 5, 3 and 0 (ok, 10 months, but 0 sounds better).  The 3-year-old was affectionate and pretty cute and I thought, 'this child is going to be so easy to love!'  Wrong.

When I was a mid-single, I once offered to babysit as a prize for a Relief Society auction.  The sister who won had 4 kids and the youngest was 3 and when I was babysitting I was convinced the 3-year-old was possessed by Satan.  He was not only belligerent but violent.  His older siblings just ignored him and were really helpful to me and this kid just seemed like the odd-man out.  I know now from my awesome 2 years of experience that he was probably seeking attention and felt confused and left out - but even with this as an excuse - he was a complete terror/jerk/ idiot.  The next day I was talking to a friend who had a ton of kids to ask her if it was possible that this child was demon spawn.  No, she said, something happens when they turn 3 and they leave you and go into this really difficult stage but they'll come back to you after a year.  She was so zen about it.  I tucked this away for the next time someone asked me to babysit and if a 3-year-old was involved, I'd decline.

Now here I was with a soon-to-be step child who was in the middle of being 3 and this child was a complete psycho.  I couldn't stand this child.  I'd think of the scriptures when the Savior said in Matthew (18:6) "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that we were drowned int he depth of the sea."  I am NOT trying to make light of the Savior's words but I kept thinking, does this apply to me?  This child is nightmare and all I want to do is spank this child (NOTE: I have Never physically disciplined the children and I never will.)  Children in the scriptures were supposed to be our examples and they were going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom, not me.  But, did the Savior really know how awful kids could be?   Again, I'm not making a joke of His words, I genuinely struggled with this - like with tears and prayers.

I had seen my nieces and nephews and friends' kids have mini tantrums which, I get it, are normal.  But this child was manipulative and would hurt their older and younger siblings (as much as a puny 3 year-old could, I guess).  I wanted justice and progress and I was getting neither.  My husband would baby the child when they were being extra naughty and the child's behavior seemed to get worse.  I felt like I was in Crazy Town.  Did no one see what this little jerk was doing and saying?

Luckily, when the child hit 4 I noticed a change in behavior that had me thanking Heavenly Father in my prayers (literally).  I have since noticed though, this child is naughtier than the others and my husband thinks this is still cute, but I have my eye on them.

When the child is yours (adopted or birthed) you have a history with them, you've seen them go from helpless baby to curious toddler and then turn into a little devil child, so it's easier to remember the adorable times and remind yourself this is just a phase (hopefully).  When you're thrown into it - you want to pull your hair out and just be mean back to the kid.

I survived by removing myself from the situation (I used to leave the room all the time, especially at bedtime or nap time).  And reminding myself of my friend's words, that this was a phase and they'll come back to you when they hit 4.  And now we have another child hitting 3 and I can already see this child leave us and slowly creep into their own version of Crazy Town.  It's not easy but it is SLIGHTLY better, especially since this child was a really good 1- and 2-year-old.  And I pray a lot for very specific help; 'help me to remember this is just a phase and to be patient and love this child because this is really hard.'  

Obvious Rules #1: Don't Criticize the Kids

Never.  Ever.

I know, I know, this seems so obvious but I mess up on this all the time!
The thing is, my Husband and I are truly best friends who tell each other everything.  I feel so comfortable with him and sometimes I feel weird if I even withhold information.  So if there is something that bothers me or upsets me or I notice about the kids I tell him.  And it Never goes well.

There was a time when I literally repeated a criticism he said himself and I was met with an icy glare.  There are two times when he and I don't sync up in life and one is when I say something that even smacks of negativity about the kids, the other is when we discuss why the heck he'd ever marry his first spouse (more on that later).

My mom was a step-parent and her children were raised by a step-parent - so she's been on both sides.  She warned me that if I say anything that might sound like a criticism he will quietly hold it against me and later resent me.  I'm not sure if he'd do that (he's very transparent and forgiving) but I see her point.  I just need to remember it for goodness sake!

My husband and I were once talking about some friends who have really annoying kids.  I made the comment that they didn't even know their kids were awful but he said, 'no, they know.'  However, I have moments where I think OUR children and the worst ever but he thinks it's just kids being kids and I'm sure it endears him to them even more.  I don't think parents can ever step out of the situation enough to see that, 'Hey, my kids are total jerks.'  And I'm sure when I'm a parent I'll be the same way and think my super miserable kids are perfect.  However, at the moment I'm in a unique position (as I think most step-parents are) where I can sit back and see out kids being idiots but I still love them and am committed to them.  It's also very frustrating.  Having to keep quiet when I know and everyone around me knows these kids are being monsters.

So what helps?  Venting to someone who isn't my husband.

Talking to my parents helps immensely!  They love their new grandchildren and have bonded so quickly with them (huge, HUGE blessing - see! I recognize blessings too) but they also can sit back and see things that ideally would be changed or worked on.  So far they have 11 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren and they raised 5 children, so I trust their opinion and just plain love it when they say things like, 'they are the most entitled children we have ever met.'  I felt that for months but wasn't sure if I was just being horrible or if it was a true observation.

I also love when my friends with and without kids reassure me that my kids aren't THAT great.  From day one I have been surrounded by the opinion (from my husband and in-laws) that our children are perfect.  They are allowed to say what they want, destroy what they want, eat what they want when they want and are rewarded with compliments and hugs.  Could I sound more horrible?  Probably not, but I'm sure I will later.

This is something I need to continually work on (just last week I messed up on this rule), and hopefully I'll be able to hold my tongue so well it won't even be a struggle.  It's just so strange to be married to someone who I tell everything to but have to keep this one thing, that is actually a HUGE thing that has taken over my life, to myself.  But I'll do it and hopefully get better at it.

Most Unrewarding Job Ever: Step Parent

Let's be honest, being a step-parent is horrible.  I know parents who are raising their kids with a step-parent/ spouse might think they're in Just as hard a position but they're not.  They have the genetic make-up that allows them to love their kids even when the kids are being little jerks and the kids will always be theirs.

A step parent is expected to love and care for kids that aren't theirs but pretend that they are.  Tucking our (at the time) 3 year old into bed after feeding her dinner, getting her changed and reading her a story (things I do out of duty - I'm not at the point where this is a 'joy') she looked at me and said, 'You're not my Real Mommy, you're a Step Mommy.'  Thanks, little one, I had totally forgotten as I looked at your face that is the spitting image of your mother and has no resemblance to my husband - let alone myself.  I wanted to say, 'Well let's just call your mom who cares so much about family and she can do all this work and put up with your irrational temper tantrums while I go to a movie.  Oh wait, she broke up your family so she could marry a rich, old man who was also married, maybe she's not the best person to do this also.'  But, instead I gritted my teeth and barely spout out, 'I know, sweetie, and I love you so much.'  I believe this is referred to as, 'Fake it, 'til you make it.'

I guess it doesn't help that I'm not a kid person.  I love my nieces and nephews, and some of my friends' kids I love so much it hurts.  But, a stranger walking down the street with a child?  I could care less about them.  Random kids are not my thing.  And little jerk kids are even worse.  Not that my step-children are jerks all the time - they're probably the normal amount of kid-jerk but since I didn't make them, have any genetic tie to them or have any say in how they were shaped, when they are jerks I want to scream.

It took almost a year from when I met them before they started to regard me as an authority figure.  They weren't being obstinate, it was more like they didn't hear me, like my mean voice didn't register.  And one thing I learned about kids, is when they seem like they're ignoring you, chances are they aren't - they just aren't listening and it's not processing as a message.  As opposed to me, when I hear them and ignore them, I'm hearing everything but I am choosing not to respond.  Because, I, too am a jerk. But I'm an adult jerk and it's different.

Maybe it gets better?  I'm only two years into this scenario (I met my husband in June of 2012 and the kids in August of 2012), so I am still a novice.  Sometimes I think it's improving and then all of a sudden it seems to worsen.  But do you know what would help immensely?  Recognition.  I know, that sounds like a selfish answer (because it IS a selfish answer) but when I get recognized by my parents or friends or in-laws it makes me blush and I want to be better.  And when I get it from my husband?  It feels like heaven.  I'm sure to my spouse he thinks he's constantly praising me, but from my perspective it's barely enough and since I'm the one being a bigger baby I think I should win and he should praise me even more.

I JUST realized that makes me sound like Satan (I want all the glory, etc. etc).  Here's my defensive answer to myself about that . . . the children are years and years from saying a sincere 'thank you' and at my rate of being so selfish - they might NEVER say 'thank you.'  I think being a mom is incredibly unrewarding but you still have your special motherly love for your children and them for you.  Having an unrewarding task like step-mom and not receiving or feeling that love makes me feel empty and like I might go a little insane everyday.  I don't take meds (yet.  Yet.) so for now, to get me through the weekends or nights with the kids, I need a compliment and a 'thank you.'  Hopefully I will grow out of this (I know my husband would appreciate this), but for now, this is what I need to survive.

Merging My Single Self with My Married Self

So, from what I've heard, the first year of marriage is the toughest.  For me, it was the first year and a half (maybe kids and an ex-wife take an extra 6?).

In the church, being categorized as a 'Mid-Single' is not the best.  There were some moments when I felt like a leper, like when I was asked by a church leader if I was 'too cool' for marriage.  ('No, I'm just not attractive enough for the guys in my ward but, thanks for asking.').  However, my years in the family ward, after 17 years in a singles ward, were far more spiritually fulfilling than in the singles ward (sorry guys, it's true).  I carved out my niche as a lone person surrounded by families and married couples and I felt fine.  In fact, I felt really good.  Sure I wanted to get married but I wasn't going to let that define me or hurt my relationship with God (for the most part, I Did have moments where I was like, 'Uh, Heaven'y Father, did you forget me?').

So when I got married, there were some things I struggled with.  I often found myself saying things like 'my apartment,' 'my room,' 'my bed,' which made me feel horrible as soon as I said it, like some self-centered Lance Armstrong type (too harsh?  I've just never been a fan).  It's just that I was single for 35 years before I got married and these were just habitual phrases, not a state of mind.

I'm not sure what two single people with no previous children would struggle with when getting married, but I am sure it would be difficult (and I'm not being sarcastic, promise!).  Like people in my boat, I've never had the luxury of being truly alone with my spouse.   I'm sure if my husband didn't have kids I'd find something to struggle with, right?  Maybe?  Maybe not, the truth is, he's a sweet, calm, hilarious man and I think maybe things would be too perfect if we didn't have our current circumstances.  We'd be those annoying couples on InstaGram who post kissing photos along with 'I married my sweetheart! XOXO!'  So good thing we're not in THAT boat.

My 'Married Self' is also my 'Parent Self' and going from totally on my own to Wife/Step-Mother was like being thrown (really hard, like so hard it hurts) into a brick wall.  So yes, the first year of marriage was hard.  It was actually the hardest year of my life and I'm tempted to say the 'worst' year of my life, but thats sounds too dramatic so I'll wait 10 years and THEN call it the 'worst' year of my life.

Not only did I have a husband to account to and be accountable for there were also four kids and an Ex-Spouse who (and I'm trying so hard to be diplomatic) did not want to lose control of anything.  ANYTHING.  I wasn't myself and I wasn't comfortable in this new life for the first 18 months.

So what finally changed/ felt better?  Two major things: 1. We were sealed in the temple and 2. I did not have contact or see the EX for a good 6 months.  And, the kids were finally starting to obey me.  I'm still not entirely myself (I used to dance more and always felt happy - even on sad days I knew they were really just less-happy days), and I might get that back or it might be dead altogether (a lot of my friends who have been married for a while with kids talk about or just are less fun than when we were single).  In the end, life is about progress and I guess for me, true progress comes with pain and suffering (a lesson I learned on my mission).  Well, I'm glad I got that figured out.  

P.S. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable saying, 'My husband . . . ' because I feel like I'm bragging (it's the mid-single in me), so even writing about my 'Married Self' feels a little arrogant.  I guess I AM like Lance Armstrong, after all.