I Can Empathize With Everyone Except My Step-Kids

I had a friend, who also happens to be a therapist, carefully tell me that they were surprised at my attitude towards my step-children, considering how I was brought up.  This friend told me that I had shared stories over the years of my childhood that absolutely broke their heart.  These were stories that I always tell matter-of-factly, without trying to garner sympathy, mostly out of entertainment.  I feel like I've made my peace with my past, maybe a little TOO much.

Every second of my life was spent knowing I was a step-child.  I was the only child from my parent's brief marriage and they both moved on to have their own families and I was somehow left in the middle.  I know how it feels to have a step parent look at you and feel their contempt, their annoyance that you exist.  It's not the best feeling.  I was very self-aware as a child and picked up on everything the adults in my life thought they were hiding so well.

How could I go through life as an unwanted step-child and then be so mean about my own step-children?  You'd think I'd be showering these kids with unconditional love, trying to make up for my own childhood.  My friend had a point and I also had answers.

We can start with the obvious, I'm a horrible, selfish person.  I think a dilemma a lot of step-parents have (if they're semi-decent) IS the guilt they feel at not being kind enough or loving enough towards their step-kids.  And in my opinion, this is already a step above the step-parents I had in MY life.  They never felt guilt, but actually felt justified in how I was treated.  I recognize that I'm not being Christ-like (patient, charitable, loving) to my step-kids when I'm disciplining them or losing it at them.  But I also have a desire to change and be more like the Savior.  It hasn't happened yet, but is something I work towards little by little.  My guilt lets me know that I'm not where I want to be yet and I am willing to work on it.  I DO think I'm horrible, but this also helps motivate me to be better.  It's a weird feeling raising kids with someone you love who sees these kids as perfect angels and you see them as wild devil children.  And, it feels miserable when your spouse, who you love so much, has sadness in their eyes because of something you've done to their kids (like yelling at them or criticizing them).

So does this experience give me more empathy for the adults who raised me?  Yes and no.  I get not having patience for kids that aren't biologically mine.  I understand how they felt.  Why they couldn't hide it better though, is not so cool.  The adults in my life never hid their feelings, nor did they bite their tongue.  I was told by one step-parent that this person couldn't wait until I was away with the Other parent, so that they could feel like a real family.  The funny thing was, I knew exactly how this step-parent felt and there was no need to verbalize it, really.  But, thanks for being so honest?  Hope YOU feel better now. . .?  When I compare myself to my step-parents I am very confident that I am already doing a much better job.  However, the bar was set so darn low, basically anyone who's not a total jerk would be better.

Also, my kids are SO completely different from me as a child.  I responded VERY quickly to discipline and learned from my mistakes.  I feared all four of my parents and if I got in trouble I made sure never to repeat anything even similar to that mistake.  Our children don't respond to ANY kind of discipline.  Yelling and time outs are like jokes to them.  Even consequences and trying to take toys away are met with an almost defiant attitude.  They have never said it, but I feel like they look at me and think, 'Go ahead, I have so many toys.'   Nothing sticks.  Nothing helps them progress towards better behavior.  Obviously, this isn't completely their fault.  They have years of being raised a certain way before I came into the picture and they don't have consistency in rules between our home and their other home.  It's like staring into a losing battle.  So does that help justify why I'm not a better step-parent?  Maybe, maybe not.

I look at my four step-kids and think, I can't relate to anything you're going through.  Their experience is so different from mine.  The parents in their lives are nothing like mine and their attitude towards adults and authority is so alien to me.  I was also a kid over 30 years ago and so much has changed in parenting.  My experience as a child, of fearing adults and being obedient, is now looked at as antiquated and wrong in a way.  Children are reasoned with and asked not to do things.  Push-over adults didn't exist in the 70s and early 80s and so when I see our children talk back to my husband it's something I can barely wrap my head around.  I'll watch as my husband is ignored after asking the kids to do something, so I turn into the meanie who chases the child, grabs them and says, 'Did you hear your father!? Do not ignore him!'

It's possible my style of parenting will lead my kids to hate me and demand therapy and that's valid.  We can start a savings account for it now.

In all honesty, I don't think I would have changed very much from my childhood.  I learned to enjoy alone time, in fact, I preferred it over almost anything.  I took care of myself and didn't need emotional support from another person to make me feel important.  When it came down to it, it was me and Heavenly Father.  He was the only person who was ALWAYS there to comfort me and make me feel loved and I did.  Don't think for a second I'm trying to make this sound like a pity party, I was confident and happy, especially when I left for college.  From my freshman year, until I got married, I always managed to feel peace and joy, even when I was sad.

I feel like my years as a step-child helped prepare me more for my years as a single LDS woman than for being a step-parent.  I think the one thing that I've lost that I need to get back is the closeness I felt to God.  Since getting married, I've felt like I'm 'survival mode,' like a chicken with its head cut off.  Needless to say, this isn't conducive to mediating with the Lord and feeling His hand in my life.  So I need to work on this and maybe the patience and love for my step-children will follow?

I've sort of felt forgotten by Heavenly Father as of late.  And if there's one thing I've learned in the church, it's that if I feel this way, it's all of me.

I was talking to a friend today about this feeling of being forgotten and they suggested I listen to some talks from the Europe Area Sisters Meetings.  Particularly the talks by Sister Hallstrom, Elder Hallstrom and Elder Bednar.  Elder Bednar's talk made me feel the Spirit so strongly I listened to it three times and just cried (good tears).  I loved his words about 'strengthening power' and for praying to be an Agent of the Lord and not just an Object (having no capacity of acting for yourself).  It reminded me that I have had moments over the last few years of feeling the Spirit, to the point where I couldn't deny God was real.  No miracles, no huge blessing, no grand gestures on His part, but He was there nonetheless.  I need to find a way to harness this in my life so it's a longer-lasting feeling.  Then maybe I'll be nicer and less horrible.   Maybe.

3 Year Old Kids are Hard / 3 Year Old Step-Kids are a Nightmare

When I met my Husband his kids were 6, 5, 3 and 0 (ok, 10 months, but 0 sounds better).  The 3-year-old was affectionate and pretty cute and I thought, 'this child is going to be so easy to love!'  Wrong.

When I was a mid-single, I once offered to babysit as a prize for a Relief Society auction.  The sister who won had 4 kids and the youngest was 3 and when I was babysitting I was convinced the 3-year-old was possessed by Satan.  He was not only belligerent but violent.  His older siblings just ignored him and were really helpful to me and this kid just seemed like the odd-man out.  I know now from my awesome 2 years of experience that he was probably seeking attention and felt confused and left out - but even with this as an excuse - he was a complete terror/jerk/ idiot.  The next day I was talking to a friend who had a ton of kids to ask her if it was possible that this child was demon spawn.  No, she said, something happens when they turn 3 and they leave you and go into this really difficult stage but they'll come back to you after a year.  She was so zen about it.  I tucked this away for the next time someone asked me to babysit and if a 3-year-old was involved, I'd decline.

Now here I was with a soon-to-be step child who was in the middle of being 3 and this child was a complete psycho.  I couldn't stand this child.  I'd think of the scriptures when the Savior said in Matthew (18:6) "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that we were drowned int he depth of the sea."  I am NOT trying to make light of the Savior's words but I kept thinking, does this apply to me?  This child is nightmare and all I want to do is spank this child (NOTE: I have Never physically disciplined the children and I never will.)  Children in the scriptures were supposed to be our examples and they were going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom, not me.  But, did the Savior really know how awful kids could be?   Again, I'm not making a joke of His words, I genuinely struggled with this - like with tears and prayers.

I had seen my nieces and nephews and friends' kids have mini tantrums which, I get it, are normal.  But this child was manipulative and would hurt their older and younger siblings (as much as a puny 3 year-old could, I guess).  I wanted justice and progress and I was getting neither.  My husband would baby the child when they were being extra naughty and the child's behavior seemed to get worse.  I felt like I was in Crazy Town.  Did no one see what this little jerk was doing and saying?

Luckily, when the child hit 4 I noticed a change in behavior that had me thanking Heavenly Father in my prayers (literally).  I have since noticed though, this child is naughtier than the others and my husband thinks this is still cute, but I have my eye on them.

When the child is yours (adopted or birthed) you have a history with them, you've seen them go from helpless baby to curious toddler and then turn into a little devil child, so it's easier to remember the adorable times and remind yourself this is just a phase (hopefully).  When you're thrown into it - you want to pull your hair out and just be mean back to the kid.

I survived by removing myself from the situation (I used to leave the room all the time, especially at bedtime or nap time).  And reminding myself of my friend's words, that this was a phase and they'll come back to you when they hit 4.  And now we have another child hitting 3 and I can already see this child leave us and slowly creep into their own version of Crazy Town.  It's not easy but it is SLIGHTLY better, especially since this child was a really good 1- and 2-year-old.  And I pray a lot for very specific help; 'help me to remember this is just a phase and to be patient and love this child because this is really hard.'