Boundaries, Boundaries and More Boundaries

One thing I wish I had done right when my husband and I became serious was set up boundaries between us and the Ex.  I was in that phase where I was just so happy to be with the man I loved and some strange lady was not going to have any affect on me.  Silly me.

The first time I met the Ex, my now-husband didn't even introduce us and I didn't know who she was (I should have studied her better from FaceBook - isn't that what social media is for?).  It was a strange interaction: we met her to get the kids and she didn't introduce herself, they were trading kids from one car to the next, and before I realized what was going on she was gone.  My husband later told me he was so nervous and so anxious about the meeting that he didn't know what to do.  That's fair.  Plus, he and I had only been dating a few weeks and although we knew we were serious, this was something we weren't ready to share with his Ex and the kids yet.

The problem for me was that my husband and the Ex wanted things to be as seamless as possible for their four children (which sounds like wonderful parenting and makes me completely horrible, which I am). This meant the Ex would walk into my In-Laws home (where my spouse was living) without knocking or announcing herself and comb through the rooms looking for the kids.  My In-Laws and I would be sitting on the sofa or talking in the kitchen and she wouldn't acknowledge us.  One moment I would be laughing with my soon-to-be new family and so happy and the next thing I would see is the Ex bursting through the door calling the kids' names and collecting their things.  It was always unsettling, like a punch to the gut.  To me it felt like a power thing - SHE was here first, these were HER kids, I'm the outsider, not her.  True, these could be all created within my mind's eye, but then again if you knew her and her history (a controlling person who had to assert her dominance over EVERYONE), this would be spot on.

I felt obligated to quietly go along with the situation.  One evening my husband and I were cuddled on a twin bed with one of the kids with the door closed, the next thing I knew the door flew open and she was in the room just staring.  She had come earlier than planned to get the kids and wanted them in the car that second.  Awkward?  Yes, yes it was.  Did I protest?  No.  I thought I was being the 'chill girlfriend'  and I told myself these things didn't bother me.  But they did.  A lot.

Now two years into this relationship (and 21 months into our marriage) I feel like we are barely at a place where I am comfortable.  And yes, it's ALL about me.  Just kidding, but as this is my blog, it kind of is.  Look, I know I sound super selfish but I view my life as 'our new family life.'  I want to create a stable, peaceful life and home for our new family (and hopefully that will involve children of our own).  Yes I agreed to step-mother but I did NOT agree to having my life controlled by an unhappy woman (meaning the Ex, not me, although I sound really unhappy, huh?).  Yes I want the kids to have a stable environment where they are shielded from the sadness of divorce as much as possible but that will never happen with me feeling 'less than' or as a 'peripheral' person in the lives of the children (the Ex actually used this word to describe me).  I need to feel like I have some control over my own life, which now includes my husband and four little kids.

When all this began, I wish I had had someone there who could have told me that creating a peaceful home does not mean becoming a doormat.  That it's OK to tell the Ex 'no' on occasion.  My husband was so worried about offending her or upsetting her (she has been known to take out her anger on the kids) that we catered to her every whim.  She's an adult, I don't know why we had to treat her like a temperamental baby (well, I do. . . ).  I know my husband was new at figuring all of this out but he was advised by her and some other people to not make waves to the point where the Ex felt comfortable still inserting herself into our private life.

Here is what I would have done differently:
Listened to my gut more and spoke up when something bothered me. 
Example: We went to the youngest child's 1st birthday party when we were dating at their old house where she was now living with her boyfriend and she called my husband 'Daddy' and when he sat down she fixed him a plate of food.  My gut told me this party was a huge mistake to begin with.  I would have said 'Heck no we're not going to a party at your old house with your Ex and her married boyfriend!'  but, I didn't think I had a say in such things.  This wasn't about my husband and his child (the kid was 1 - they didn't even know how to eat their own cake), this was about the Ex and my spouse and her family feeling like everything was OK.  Guess what, it's NOT OK - you two need to face the facts that both of your actions have led to hurt so don't create ridiculous situations where everyone feels weird just to save face.  Of course, I wouldn't have said it like that.

Let my husband know when we were dating that I didn't want him doing things in his old house (where the Ex, her married boyfriend and the 4 kids lived) - it made me uncomfortable.  Had I done that than he and I would not have spent a night babysitting in his old house for 4 hours while the Ex and her boyfriend went to a concert.  Four hours of staring at their old family portraits that hung all over the house (why the boyfriend didn't ask for those to come down is beyond me - they had no problem taking down the huge portrait of the Savior. . . .).  It made me sick to my stomach and I had a pounding headache by the end of the night.  If a divorcee is bringing a new spouse into the picture, that new spouse needs to feel comfortable in this new awful situation they are agreeing to.

Basically it all comes down to valuing how I feel and if I feel uncomfortable or sick about something the Ex is doing (that involves us) tell my spouse and ask him sweetly to change it ASAP. When my husband and I were dating and he lived with his parents, the Ex used to send two of the children with 'security blankets' that were her garments.  Symbols and all.  I told my husband to ask her to not send her underwear over when we had the kids but he refused and said it made him uncomfortable.  However, it made me so angry and More Uncomfortable than him (guaranteed) that I finally had to confront her after a few months.  I still hold a bit of chip on my should that my spouse wouldn't put a stop to the scenario but I have eternity to work this out on my own.  If I could go back in time I would have sat him down and calmly explained that this was Very Important to me and he needed to confront it and if not, I would but I would be disappointed.

I know newly divorced people don't even want to think about Boundaries - because this means it's real and this could hurt the kids, but if you plan on bringing a new spouse into your lives you must value that spouse more than your Ex spouse.  The sooner you establish boundaries the sooner you can build your new life in peace, which I think in the long run will help the kids more.  It might not be fun, but if the new spouse is content than it's easier for them to accept their new life and then slowly build a cordial, maybe even friendly relationship with the Ex one day.

I hope I progress to one day being happy when I see the Ex (really!), but when that happens it will be my decision and not one I have been bullied or forced into.

Obvious Rule #2: Don't Tell Your Spouse They've Ruined Your Life

Why I even have to write this one out just truly shows how horrible I am.

OK.  I know I wasn't forced into this marriage so really, if anything, I ruined my Own life.
Just kidding, my life wasn't ruined.  I'm an adult and I knew what I was getting myself into.  OK, that's a lie - I had NO idea what I was getting myself into but I was warned by everyone that it would be difficult.  And I knew it would be the hardest thing I had ever done.  I also knew this is what God wanted me to do; there was no doubt that this is what He wanted.  However, once I was in the thick of it I had so many moments when I thought, 'This is more than I can handle.'

Being married and a step-parent has changed me, and so far, not for the better.  It's taken my joie de vivre (sorry to sound pretentious but I really did have this), whatever small amount of beauty I had (grey hair, lifeless eyes, dead smiles . . . it's a wonder my husband can even concentrate when I'm around) and my sense of humor.  When we have the kids I'm in 'survivor mode' only, which translates to, 'I'm mean ALL the time.'

Someone once told me, a few months after we were married, that my husband had been given blessing after blessing since meeting me while I have had trial after trial since meeting him.  I know, this is so arrogant but I didn't say it, and I'm trying to make a  super selfish point, which is: since getting serious with my husband my life has been sacrifice after sacrifice and it's tiring and exhausting and frustrating.  (PS It warmed my heart when this person told me this, I felt like someone was on my side and recognizing that this was a very hard path I had chosen.)

The problem is, instead of handling it quietly like a lady, I told him a less harsh version of this.  He his reaction was more of anger and said that he had to sacrifice too.  And maybe he has.  I'm not the fun girl he once dated and I'm certainly not as cute and when we dated all I did was talk about how I was going to love these children to pieces.  I thought I would.  I also thought they'd be better behaved and that the Ex Wife wasn't going to cross boundaries and tell us when and where we were all going to move and send my husband texts about inside jokes they had when they were married that had nothing to do with the kids.

But I know I was in the wrong for expressing how I felt.  This goes back to just wanting to tell him, my BFF, Everything.  Except I hadn't thought this through at all because I was also telling this man I loved something really negative about himself.  Yes, he had made choices that had brought him to this point with these people in his life but, like I said before, I wasn't forced into this marriage.  I knew the Ex had a reputation for being, um, shall we politely describe it as 'unstable?'  I knew the kids demanded constant attention and didn't process discipline.  And I knew I had married such a sweet man, that if his Ex did cross boundaries he didn't care because nothing really upset and he didn't have any feelings for the Ex (positive or negative which is actually the best way to be).

Trials (for us as a couple and by myself) have been plentiful and the blessings have been pretty small and scarce but, it's not all about good times and that certainly doesn't mean my life has been ruined.  I really felt like Elder Uchtdorf was talking to me when he have his talk this last General Conference.  Grateful in Any Circumstances.

Actually, I felt like SUCH a jerk when I heard his talk!  I need to be grateful and for goodness sake stop thinking my life is ruined.  I also need to stop expecting blessings or more specifically, demanding happy times.  Like I mentioned before, life is about progressing and something that involves pain and suffering.  There have been small moments of happiness too, I'm not completely devoid of smiles or joy.