OK. I know I wasn't forced into this marriage so really, if anything, I ruined my Own life.
Just kidding, my life wasn't ruined. I'm an adult and I knew what I was getting myself into. OK, that's a lie - I had NO idea what I was getting myself into but I was warned by everyone that it would be difficult. And I knew it would be the hardest thing I had ever done. I also knew this is what God wanted me to do; there was no doubt that this is what He wanted. However, once I was in the thick of it I had so many moments when I thought, 'This is more than I can handle.'
Being married and a step-parent has changed me, and so far, not for the better. It's taken my joie de vivre (sorry to sound pretentious but I really did have this), whatever small amount of beauty I had (grey hair, lifeless eyes, dead smiles . . . it's a wonder my husband can even concentrate when I'm around) and my sense of humor. When we have the kids I'm in 'survivor mode' only, which translates to, 'I'm mean ALL the time.'
Someone once told me, a few months after we were married, that my husband had been given blessing after blessing since meeting me while I have had trial after trial since meeting him. I know, this is so arrogant but I didn't say it, and I'm trying to make a super selfish point, which is: since getting serious with my husband my life has been sacrifice after sacrifice and it's tiring and exhausting and frustrating. (PS It warmed my heart when this person told me this, I felt like someone was on my side and recognizing that this was a very hard path I had chosen.)
The problem is, instead of handling it quietly like a lady, I told him a less harsh version of this. He his reaction was more of anger and said that he had to sacrifice too. And maybe he has. I'm not the fun girl he once dated and I'm certainly not as cute and when we dated all I did was talk about how I was going to love these children to pieces. I thought I would. I also thought they'd be better behaved and that the Ex Wife wasn't going to cross boundaries and tell us when and where we were all going to move and send my husband texts about inside jokes they had when they were married that had nothing to do with the kids.
But I know I was in the wrong for expressing how I felt. This goes back to just wanting to tell him, my BFF, Everything. Except I hadn't thought this through at all because I was also telling this man I loved something really negative about himself. Yes, he had made choices that had brought him to this point with these people in his life but, like I said before, I wasn't forced into this marriage. I knew the Ex had a reputation for being, um, shall we politely describe it as 'unstable?' I knew the kids demanded constant attention and didn't process discipline. And I knew I had married such a sweet man, that if his Ex did cross boundaries he didn't care because nothing really upset and he didn't have any feelings for the Ex (positive or negative which is actually the best way to be).
Trials (for us as a couple and by myself) have been plentiful and the blessings have been pretty small and scarce but, it's not all about good times and that certainly doesn't mean my life has been ruined. I really felt like Elder Uchtdorf was talking to me when he have his talk this last General Conference. Grateful in Any Circumstances.
Actually, I felt like SUCH a jerk when I heard his talk! I need to be grateful and for goodness sake stop thinking my life is ruined. I also need to stop expecting blessings or more specifically, demanding happy times. Like I mentioned before, life is about progressing and something that involves pain and suffering. There have been small moments of happiness too, I'm not completely devoid of smiles or joy.
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