3 Year Old Kids are Hard / 3 Year Old Step-Kids are a Nightmare

When I met my Husband his kids were 6, 5, 3 and 0 (ok, 10 months, but 0 sounds better).  The 3-year-old was affectionate and pretty cute and I thought, 'this child is going to be so easy to love!'  Wrong.

When I was a mid-single, I once offered to babysit as a prize for a Relief Society auction.  The sister who won had 4 kids and the youngest was 3 and when I was babysitting I was convinced the 3-year-old was possessed by Satan.  He was not only belligerent but violent.  His older siblings just ignored him and were really helpful to me and this kid just seemed like the odd-man out.  I know now from my awesome 2 years of experience that he was probably seeking attention and felt confused and left out - but even with this as an excuse - he was a complete terror/jerk/ idiot.  The next day I was talking to a friend who had a ton of kids to ask her if it was possible that this child was demon spawn.  No, she said, something happens when they turn 3 and they leave you and go into this really difficult stage but they'll come back to you after a year.  She was so zen about it.  I tucked this away for the next time someone asked me to babysit and if a 3-year-old was involved, I'd decline.

Now here I was with a soon-to-be step child who was in the middle of being 3 and this child was a complete psycho.  I couldn't stand this child.  I'd think of the scriptures when the Savior said in Matthew (18:6) "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that we were drowned int he depth of the sea."  I am NOT trying to make light of the Savior's words but I kept thinking, does this apply to me?  This child is nightmare and all I want to do is spank this child (NOTE: I have Never physically disciplined the children and I never will.)  Children in the scriptures were supposed to be our examples and they were going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom, not me.  But, did the Savior really know how awful kids could be?   Again, I'm not making a joke of His words, I genuinely struggled with this - like with tears and prayers.

I had seen my nieces and nephews and friends' kids have mini tantrums which, I get it, are normal.  But this child was manipulative and would hurt their older and younger siblings (as much as a puny 3 year-old could, I guess).  I wanted justice and progress and I was getting neither.  My husband would baby the child when they were being extra naughty and the child's behavior seemed to get worse.  I felt like I was in Crazy Town.  Did no one see what this little jerk was doing and saying?

Luckily, when the child hit 4 I noticed a change in behavior that had me thanking Heavenly Father in my prayers (literally).  I have since noticed though, this child is naughtier than the others and my husband thinks this is still cute, but I have my eye on them.

When the child is yours (adopted or birthed) you have a history with them, you've seen them go from helpless baby to curious toddler and then turn into a little devil child, so it's easier to remember the adorable times and remind yourself this is just a phase (hopefully).  When you're thrown into it - you want to pull your hair out and just be mean back to the kid.

I survived by removing myself from the situation (I used to leave the room all the time, especially at bedtime or nap time).  And reminding myself of my friend's words, that this was a phase and they'll come back to you when they hit 4.  And now we have another child hitting 3 and I can already see this child leave us and slowly creep into their own version of Crazy Town.  It's not easy but it is SLIGHTLY better, especially since this child was a really good 1- and 2-year-old.  And I pray a lot for very specific help; 'help me to remember this is just a phase and to be patient and love this child because this is really hard.'  

Most Unrewarding Job Ever: Step Parent

Let's be honest, being a step-parent is horrible.  I know parents who are raising their kids with a step-parent/ spouse might think they're in Just as hard a position but they're not.  They have the genetic make-up that allows them to love their kids even when the kids are being little jerks and the kids will always be theirs.

A step parent is expected to love and care for kids that aren't theirs but pretend that they are.  Tucking our (at the time) 3 year old into bed after feeding her dinner, getting her changed and reading her a story (things I do out of duty - I'm not at the point where this is a 'joy') she looked at me and said, 'You're not my Real Mommy, you're a Step Mommy.'  Thanks, little one, I had totally forgotten as I looked at your face that is the spitting image of your mother and has no resemblance to my husband - let alone myself.  I wanted to say, 'Well let's just call your mom who cares so much about family and she can do all this work and put up with your irrational temper tantrums while I go to a movie.  Oh wait, she broke up your family so she could marry a rich, old man who was also married, maybe she's not the best person to do this also.'  But, instead I gritted my teeth and barely spout out, 'I know, sweetie, and I love you so much.'  I believe this is referred to as, 'Fake it, 'til you make it.'

I guess it doesn't help that I'm not a kid person.  I love my nieces and nephews, and some of my friends' kids I love so much it hurts.  But, a stranger walking down the street with a child?  I could care less about them.  Random kids are not my thing.  And little jerk kids are even worse.  Not that my step-children are jerks all the time - they're probably the normal amount of kid-jerk but since I didn't make them, have any genetic tie to them or have any say in how they were shaped, when they are jerks I want to scream.

It took almost a year from when I met them before they started to regard me as an authority figure.  They weren't being obstinate, it was more like they didn't hear me, like my mean voice didn't register.  And one thing I learned about kids, is when they seem like they're ignoring you, chances are they aren't - they just aren't listening and it's not processing as a message.  As opposed to me, when I hear them and ignore them, I'm hearing everything but I am choosing not to respond.  Because, I, too am a jerk. But I'm an adult jerk and it's different.

Maybe it gets better?  I'm only two years into this scenario (I met my husband in June of 2012 and the kids in August of 2012), so I am still a novice.  Sometimes I think it's improving and then all of a sudden it seems to worsen.  But do you know what would help immensely?  Recognition.  I know, that sounds like a selfish answer (because it IS a selfish answer) but when I get recognized by my parents or friends or in-laws it makes me blush and I want to be better.  And when I get it from my husband?  It feels like heaven.  I'm sure to my spouse he thinks he's constantly praising me, but from my perspective it's barely enough and since I'm the one being a bigger baby I think I should win and he should praise me even more.

I JUST realized that makes me sound like Satan (I want all the glory, etc. etc).  Here's my defensive answer to myself about that . . . the children are years and years from saying a sincere 'thank you' and at my rate of being so selfish - they might NEVER say 'thank you.'  I think being a mom is incredibly unrewarding but you still have your special motherly love for your children and them for you.  Having an unrewarding task like step-mom and not receiving or feeling that love makes me feel empty and like I might go a little insane everyday.  I don't take meds (yet.  Yet.) so for now, to get me through the weekends or nights with the kids, I need a compliment and a 'thank you.'  Hopefully I will grow out of this (I know my husband would appreciate this), but for now, this is what I need to survive.