Let's be honest, being a step-parent is horrible. I know parents who are raising their kids with a step-parent/ spouse might think they're in Just as hard a position but they're not. They have the genetic make-up that allows them to love their kids even when the kids are being little jerks and the kids will always be theirs.
A step parent is expected to love and care for kids that aren't theirs but pretend that they are. Tucking our (at the time) 3 year old into bed after feeding her dinner, getting her changed and reading her a story (things I do out of duty - I'm not at the point where this is a 'joy') she looked at me and said, 'You're not my Real Mommy, you're a Step Mommy.' Thanks, little one, I had totally forgotten as I looked at your face that is the spitting image of your mother and has no resemblance to my husband - let alone myself. I wanted to say, 'Well let's just call your mom who cares so much about family and she can do all this work and put up with your irrational temper tantrums while I go to a movie. Oh wait, she broke up your family so she could marry a rich, old man who was also married, maybe she's not the best person to do this also.' But, instead I gritted my teeth and barely spout out, 'I know, sweetie, and I love you so much.' I believe this is referred to as, 'Fake it, 'til you make it.'
I guess it doesn't help that I'm not a kid person. I love my nieces and nephews, and some of my friends' kids I love so much it hurts. But, a stranger walking down the street with a child? I could care less about them. Random kids are not my thing. And little jerk kids are even worse. Not that my step-children are jerks all the time - they're probably the normal amount of kid-jerk but since I didn't make them, have any genetic tie to them or have any say in how they were shaped, when they are jerks I want to scream.
It took almost a year from when I met them before they started to regard me as an authority figure. They weren't being obstinate, it was more like they didn't hear me, like my mean voice didn't register. And one thing I learned about kids, is when they seem like they're ignoring you, chances are they aren't - they just aren't listening and it's not processing as a message. As opposed to me, when I hear them and ignore them, I'm hearing everything but I am choosing not to respond. Because, I, too am a jerk. But I'm an adult jerk and it's different.
Maybe it gets better? I'm only two years into this scenario (I met my husband in June of 2012 and the kids in August of 2012), so I am still a novice. Sometimes I think it's improving and then all of a sudden it seems to worsen. But do you know what would help immensely? Recognition. I know, that sounds like a selfish answer (because it IS a selfish answer) but when I get recognized by my parents or friends or in-laws it makes me blush and I want to be better. And when I get it from my husband? It feels like heaven. I'm sure to my spouse he thinks he's constantly praising me, but from my perspective it's barely enough and since I'm the one being a bigger baby I think I should win and he should praise me even more.
I JUST realized that makes me sound like Satan (I want all the glory, etc. etc). Here's my defensive answer to myself about that . . . the children are years and years from saying a sincere 'thank you' and at my rate of being so selfish - they might NEVER say 'thank you.' I think being a mom is incredibly unrewarding but you still have your special motherly love for your children and them for you. Having an unrewarding task like step-mom and not receiving or feeling that love makes me feel empty and like I might go a little insane everyday. I don't take meds (yet. Yet.) so for now, to get me through the weekends or nights with the kids, I need a compliment and a 'thank you.' Hopefully I will grow out of this (I know my husband would appreciate this), but for now, this is what I need to survive.
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