So, from what I've heard, the first year of marriage is the toughest. For me, it was the first year and a half (maybe kids and an ex-wife take an extra 6?).
In the church, being categorized as a 'Mid-Single' is not the best. There were some moments when I felt like a leper, like when I was asked by a church leader if I was 'too cool' for marriage. ('No, I'm just not attractive enough for the guys in my ward but, thanks for asking.'). However, my years in the family ward, after 17 years in a singles ward, were far more spiritually fulfilling than in the singles ward (sorry guys, it's true). I carved out my niche as a lone person surrounded by families and married couples and I felt fine. In fact, I felt really good. Sure I wanted to get married but I wasn't going to let that define me or hurt my relationship with God (for the most part, I Did have moments where I was like, 'Uh, Heaven'y Father, did you forget me?').
So when I got married, there were some things I struggled with. I often found myself saying things like 'my apartment,' 'my room,' 'my bed,' which made me feel horrible as soon as I said it, like some self-centered Lance Armstrong type (too harsh? I've just never been a fan). It's just that I was single for 35 years before I got married and these were just habitual phrases, not a state of mind.
I'm not sure what two single people with no previous children would struggle with when getting married, but I am sure it would be difficult (and I'm not being sarcastic, promise!). Like people in my boat, I've never had the luxury of being truly alone with my spouse. I'm sure if my husband didn't have kids I'd find something to struggle with, right? Maybe? Maybe not, the truth is, he's a sweet, calm, hilarious man and I think maybe things would be too perfect if we didn't have our current circumstances. We'd be those annoying couples on InstaGram who post kissing photos along with 'I married my sweetheart! XOXO!' So good thing we're not in THAT boat.
My 'Married Self' is also my 'Parent Self' and going from totally on my own to Wife/Step-Mother was like being thrown (really hard, like so hard it hurts) into a brick wall. So yes, the first year of marriage was hard. It was actually the hardest year of my life and I'm tempted to say the 'worst' year of my life, but thats sounds too dramatic so I'll wait 10 years and THEN call it the 'worst' year of my life.
Not only did I have a husband to account to and be accountable for there were also four kids and an Ex-Spouse who (and I'm trying so hard to be diplomatic) did not want to lose control of anything. ANYTHING. I wasn't myself and I wasn't comfortable in this new life for the first 18 months.
So what finally changed/ felt better? Two major things: 1. We were sealed in the temple and 2. I did not have contact or see the EX for a good 6 months. And, the kids were finally starting to obey me. I'm still not entirely myself (I used to dance more and always felt happy - even on sad days I knew they were really just less-happy days), and I might get that back or it might be dead altogether (a lot of my friends who have been married for a while with kids talk about or just are less fun than when we were single). In the end, life is about progress and I guess for me, true progress comes with pain and suffering (a lesson I learned on my mission). Well, I'm glad I got that figured out.
P.S. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable saying, 'My husband . . . ' because I feel like I'm bragging (it's the mid-single in me), so even writing about my 'Married Self' feels a little arrogant. I guess I AM like Lance Armstrong, after all.
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