Never. Ever.
I know, I know, this seems so obvious but I mess up on this all the time!
The thing is, my Husband and I are truly best friends who tell each other everything. I feel so comfortable with him and sometimes I feel weird if I even withhold information. So if there is something that bothers me or upsets me or I notice about the kids I tell him. And it Never goes well.
There was a time when I literally repeated a criticism he said himself and I was met with an icy glare. There are two times when he and I don't sync up in life and one is when I say something that even smacks of negativity about the kids, the other is when we discuss why the heck he'd ever marry his first spouse (more on that later).
My mom was a step-parent and her children were raised by a step-parent - so she's been on both sides. She warned me that if I say anything that might sound like a criticism he will quietly hold it against me and later resent me. I'm not sure if he'd do that (he's very transparent and forgiving) but I see her point. I just need to remember it for goodness sake!
My husband and I were once talking about some friends who have really annoying kids. I made the comment that they didn't even know their kids were awful but he said, 'no, they know.' However, I have moments where I think OUR children and the worst ever but he thinks it's just kids being kids and I'm sure it endears him to them even more. I don't think parents can ever step out of the situation enough to see that, 'Hey, my kids are total jerks.' And I'm sure when I'm a parent I'll be the same way and think my super miserable kids are perfect. However, at the moment I'm in a unique position (as I think most step-parents are) where I can sit back and see out kids being idiots but I still love them and am committed to them. It's also very frustrating. Having to keep quiet when I know and everyone around me knows these kids are being monsters.
So what helps? Venting to someone who isn't my husband.
Talking to my parents helps immensely! They love their new grandchildren and have bonded so quickly with them (huge, HUGE blessing - see! I recognize blessings too) but they also can sit back and see things that ideally would be changed or worked on. So far they have 11 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren and they raised 5 children, so I trust their opinion and just plain love it when they say things like, 'they are the most entitled children we have ever met.' I felt that for months but wasn't sure if I was just being horrible or if it was a true observation.
I also love when my friends with and without kids reassure me that my kids aren't THAT great. From day one I have been surrounded by the opinion (from my husband and in-laws) that our children are perfect. They are allowed to say what they want, destroy what they want, eat what they want when they want and are rewarded with compliments and hugs. Could I sound more horrible? Probably not, but I'm sure I will later.
This is something I need to continually work on (just last week I messed up on this rule), and hopefully I'll be able to hold my tongue so well it won't even be a struggle. It's just so strange to be married to someone who I tell everything to but have to keep this one thing, that is actually a HUGE thing that has taken over my life, to myself. But I'll do it and hopefully get better at it.
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