Ruined Birthdays and Changed Perspectives, You Know, the Usual

When it comes down to it, my oldest child, Child A, ruined my birthday.  But don't worry, I know how ridiculous this sounds as I'm an adult in my late 30s and Child A is a 9 year old with special needs.

The thing with my birthday was, I kept trying to make the day NOT about my birthday.  We had family in town and they wanted me to have a special day.  It was incredibly thoughtful, however, since we had the 4 kids and my husband had to work, I wanted it to be as normal and not special as possible.  We tried to all go out and have a nice family nature walk (without my husband) and it ended with Child A refusing to leave the car and eventually becoming so mad they threw rocks at me.  Granted, they only hit my feet, but these weren't pebbles - they were rocks.  At another point in the day, Child A was so unhappy that they had to do everything our large group was doing and ran as fast as they could into a busy street.  Needless to say, ALL activities were cut short and we all came home in grumpy moods.  I tried to insist that my family leave me with the kids or at least Child A and go out and do something fun, but the mood had changed and they were now afraid to leave me alone with Child A.  Ah, motherhood, or more specifically, step-motherhood.

My husband left work a little early when he heard the panic and anger in my voice and then when he came home, in my opinion, proceeded to baby and coddle Child A.  Well, you can guess how that made me feel.  I was suddenly furious with my husband.  This wasn't new behavior.  I see something really messed up and when I ask him to discipline it turns into hugs and giggling.  I think this was the event that truly ruined my day, so maybe I need to say my husband AND our oldest ruined my day.  OK, I'm mostly joking - I know that deep down No One can ruin my day, except for me.  Only I can control how I feel and react and this day taught me that I had a LONG way to go with controlling my emotions, especially as the 'adult in this scenario.'

When I saw my husband barely discipline Child A and the two of them proceed to joke, I interrupted this maddening, sweet moment to talk to my husband alone.  Yes, I lost it.  I was so angry, that yet again, Child A had manipulated my husband and no lesson was learned.  It didn't help that as we argued, Child A stood outside the door yelling that they were hungry and needed food right that second.  My mom offered Child A some veggies and Child A refused saying they wanted pizza.  I could barely think straight I was so incensed.  The evening ended with my husband taking the kids back to their mother's house and us barely speaking.

Now, let me tell the good news.

For the last year we have been trying to diagnosis and figure out Child A.  Nothing fit or made sense.  My husband wasn't too concerned, because he had so much love for this child he was sure that if we just let Child A feel love, it would all work out.  Turns out, he wasn't too off on this one.  The child's mother had a genetic test done and showed that Child A has a syndrome closely related to Down Syndrome.  This syndrome usually manifests in horrible health problems and low IQs.  Our child wasn't diagnosed because Child A is actually a very advanced, mild case which is really rare.

We found this out a few days after my birthday and, suddenly my perspective shifted completely.  Instead of becoming so irate and frustrated with Child A, I felt gratitude that their case was so light and that this child was as advanced as they were.  There were no huge health issues and Child A can pretty much function in public school (with half special ed courses).  When I read about other children with the same syndrome, my heart broke and I counted all of us to be so blessed that we lucked out with Child A.  I NEVER thought I'd say that about this kid.

Things are completely different now for me because of this changed perspective.  I have more patience and am more protective of Child A.  I still discipline and occasionally (read: a lot of the time) lose my temper, but I make sure Child A is treated fairly considering their mental disability.  This child has turned into a walking miracle for me.  I am in awe of their progress and how they function in life.  The Doctor's said it was unheard of for children with this syndrome to go 9 years without a diagnosis, because usually, these children spend their whole lives in the hospital.

Isn't it crazy how a slight change in perspective (in our case, a few DNA strands testing a certain way) can change everything?  I am so grateful and when I think back on my silly birthday, I think about how well Child A acted, all things considered.  I don't have the biological love that my husband has for this child, but this diagnosis helps me feel more of the love my husband had all along.  It was such an answer to a prayer, as I  have been praying to have more compassion and love for this child and through this scientific diagnosis, I do.  I am just so grateful that Heavenly Father is so patient with me.  He knew all along what ailed this child and thank goodness he gave this child a patient, loving father here on earth to be the advocate and protector.  Man, I can be such a jerk!  Hopefully I'll always remember this when my calm, sweet husband does something that I deem 'too sweet' or 'too soft.'  But, knowing me, it might not happen right away.

Guess What? Heavenly Father Didn't Forget Me (duh, me!)

This last week has been so different from the last few months and I really think Elder Bednar's Talk quick started it.  My friend who suggested I listen to the Europe Sister's meeting was the friend I mentioned who seemed to go through harder trials than I have and when I need support her words and stories always comfort me.  I've said this to her and I'm sure I've written this, but in a weird way I'm glad she went through those trials.  No wait, that's not what I meant!  I am so grateful that when I have something I'm struggling with I was blessed with a friend who can show empathy and by sharing her experiences, my pain is lifted and I feel more peace.  I should send her flowers.

I feel so much closer to my Father in Heaven and I think writing about wanting to have a desire to be close to Him and telling those close to me I am struggling with this helped a ton.  Being honest that I didn't feel Him as of late and more than anything wanting those feeling back led to an outpouring of empathy, advice and council.  Thank goodness I admitted to it, because in all honesty, I felt really guilty and kind of horrible (as usual) about it.  I'm a return missionary and have never been inactive and yet I felt like I was just going through the motions of what I was supposed to do when it came to church stuff.  My testimony was intact and the thought of skipping church was never a question but I just didn't feel that spiritual connection I used to feel.  This connection was what used to allow me to feel joy and comfort even when I was sad.  It was like an armor that I had on constantly and usually didn't need but when I did need it, it kicked in and I felt immediate protection.

Struggling with infertility, finances, jobs, step-kids and ex-spouses had made me feel like prayers and fasting don't really work.  (I know, it's a wonder I haven't been struck down yet.)  I'm willing to do them and I haven't stopped praying but I just felt like they were useless.  (Again, I can't believe my computer hasn't exploded for writing these things.)  Thank goodness Heavenly Father is so patient with me and not only has He not struck me down but he's actually proved me wrong.  On Friday I did a session in the temple and before the session I wrote down some names for the prayer roll.  When I left the temple I had a text from one of those people out of the blue letting me know that things in life were looking good for them.  It made me want to cry.  Who cares if I'm not seeing results from my prayers, Heavenly Father blessing those I love seemed way more important and made me feel better than if He had answered ALL of my prayers.

But, He is aware of me and my little family.  We are in the process of renovating a house and at the moment 90% of our belongings are in storage. When we got the unit we were assigned to the second floor, even though there were slots open on the first floor.  I grumbled because it was more work waiting for the hot, stuffy elevator every time we loaded and unloaded.  Last week I received an email from our storage unit saying because of harsh rains the first floor had flooded and the first floor occupants had to move to the second floor.  I went to check out our unit just in case and the parking lot was full of moving vans and really angry people.  I saw as they carried out ruined paintings and furniture and a lot of their belongings were thrown away.  Suddenly I had a strong feeling that Heavenly Father was aware of me and He spared of us this because He was very involved in my life.  This little thing that I had complained about was now a huge blessing.

Also, last week, I had another friend come into town to just hang out and help me with everyday boring life.  She helped renovate the house we are working on, took care of the kids and made me laugh.  She herself is going through some crazy, hard trials and putting her life on hold to help me made me realize what a baby I was being and feel enormous gratitude for her and Heavenly Father.  I felt joy and things like reading the kids a story or taking them to a museum turned into something fun that we all enjoyed.  

And for the first time in a LONG time I started to look forward to seeing the kids.  Knowing I'd see them in 30 minutes made me smile like it used to in the old days.  Of course I still wasn't the perfect little step mom.  I lost it when our 5 year old, who has a problem with compulsive lying and bullying the youngest child, made the youngest cry and lied about it.  I try not to use the "H" word but I found myself yelling, 'I hate it when you lie!  Stop lying to my face!'  But, baby steps, right?  I'm excited to see them all today, even the liar.  The thing with this child is that they are #3 of 4 and completely forgotten (most of the time).  I think the lies and bullying comes from a desperation for attention.  I should be more patient knowing this, but I can only handle so much before I lose it.  I need more General Authority talks . . .  and ha! it's General Conference this weekend -- perfect timing.  Wait, was that another prayer answered?

I Can Empathize With Everyone Except My Step-Kids

I had a friend, who also happens to be a therapist, carefully tell me that they were surprised at my attitude towards my step-children, considering how I was brought up.  This friend told me that I had shared stories over the years of my childhood that absolutely broke their heart.  These were stories that I always tell matter-of-factly, without trying to garner sympathy, mostly out of entertainment.  I feel like I've made my peace with my past, maybe a little TOO much.

Every second of my life was spent knowing I was a step-child.  I was the only child from my parent's brief marriage and they both moved on to have their own families and I was somehow left in the middle.  I know how it feels to have a step parent look at you and feel their contempt, their annoyance that you exist.  It's not the best feeling.  I was very self-aware as a child and picked up on everything the adults in my life thought they were hiding so well.

How could I go through life as an unwanted step-child and then be so mean about my own step-children?  You'd think I'd be showering these kids with unconditional love, trying to make up for my own childhood.  My friend had a point and I also had answers.

We can start with the obvious, I'm a horrible, selfish person.  I think a dilemma a lot of step-parents have (if they're semi-decent) IS the guilt they feel at not being kind enough or loving enough towards their step-kids.  And in my opinion, this is already a step above the step-parents I had in MY life.  They never felt guilt, but actually felt justified in how I was treated.  I recognize that I'm not being Christ-like (patient, charitable, loving) to my step-kids when I'm disciplining them or losing it at them.  But I also have a desire to change and be more like the Savior.  It hasn't happened yet, but is something I work towards little by little.  My guilt lets me know that I'm not where I want to be yet and I am willing to work on it.  I DO think I'm horrible, but this also helps motivate me to be better.  It's a weird feeling raising kids with someone you love who sees these kids as perfect angels and you see them as wild devil children.  And, it feels miserable when your spouse, who you love so much, has sadness in their eyes because of something you've done to their kids (like yelling at them or criticizing them).

So does this experience give me more empathy for the adults who raised me?  Yes and no.  I get not having patience for kids that aren't biologically mine.  I understand how they felt.  Why they couldn't hide it better though, is not so cool.  The adults in my life never hid their feelings, nor did they bite their tongue.  I was told by one step-parent that this person couldn't wait until I was away with the Other parent, so that they could feel like a real family.  The funny thing was, I knew exactly how this step-parent felt and there was no need to verbalize it, really.  But, thanks for being so honest?  Hope YOU feel better now. . .?  When I compare myself to my step-parents I am very confident that I am already doing a much better job.  However, the bar was set so darn low, basically anyone who's not a total jerk would be better.

Also, my kids are SO completely different from me as a child.  I responded VERY quickly to discipline and learned from my mistakes.  I feared all four of my parents and if I got in trouble I made sure never to repeat anything even similar to that mistake.  Our children don't respond to ANY kind of discipline.  Yelling and time outs are like jokes to them.  Even consequences and trying to take toys away are met with an almost defiant attitude.  They have never said it, but I feel like they look at me and think, 'Go ahead, I have so many toys.'   Nothing sticks.  Nothing helps them progress towards better behavior.  Obviously, this isn't completely their fault.  They have years of being raised a certain way before I came into the picture and they don't have consistency in rules between our home and their other home.  It's like staring into a losing battle.  So does that help justify why I'm not a better step-parent?  Maybe, maybe not.

I look at my four step-kids and think, I can't relate to anything you're going through.  Their experience is so different from mine.  The parents in their lives are nothing like mine and their attitude towards adults and authority is so alien to me.  I was also a kid over 30 years ago and so much has changed in parenting.  My experience as a child, of fearing adults and being obedient, is now looked at as antiquated and wrong in a way.  Children are reasoned with and asked not to do things.  Push-over adults didn't exist in the 70s and early 80s and so when I see our children talk back to my husband it's something I can barely wrap my head around.  I'll watch as my husband is ignored after asking the kids to do something, so I turn into the meanie who chases the child, grabs them and says, 'Did you hear your father!? Do not ignore him!'

It's possible my style of parenting will lead my kids to hate me and demand therapy and that's valid.  We can start a savings account for it now.

In all honesty, I don't think I would have changed very much from my childhood.  I learned to enjoy alone time, in fact, I preferred it over almost anything.  I took care of myself and didn't need emotional support from another person to make me feel important.  When it came down to it, it was me and Heavenly Father.  He was the only person who was ALWAYS there to comfort me and make me feel loved and I did.  Don't think for a second I'm trying to make this sound like a pity party, I was confident and happy, especially when I left for college.  From my freshman year, until I got married, I always managed to feel peace and joy, even when I was sad.

I feel like my years as a step-child helped prepare me more for my years as a single LDS woman than for being a step-parent.  I think the one thing that I've lost that I need to get back is the closeness I felt to God.  Since getting married, I've felt like I'm 'survival mode,' like a chicken with its head cut off.  Needless to say, this isn't conducive to mediating with the Lord and feeling His hand in my life.  So I need to work on this and maybe the patience and love for my step-children will follow?

I've sort of felt forgotten by Heavenly Father as of late.  And if there's one thing I've learned in the church, it's that if I feel this way, it's all of me.

I was talking to a friend today about this feeling of being forgotten and they suggested I listen to some talks from the Europe Area Sisters Meetings.  Particularly the talks by Sister Hallstrom, Elder Hallstrom and Elder Bednar.  Elder Bednar's talk made me feel the Spirit so strongly I listened to it three times and just cried (good tears).  I loved his words about 'strengthening power' and for praying to be an Agent of the Lord and not just an Object (having no capacity of acting for yourself).  It reminded me that I have had moments over the last few years of feeling the Spirit, to the point where I couldn't deny God was real.  No miracles, no huge blessing, no grand gestures on His part, but He was there nonetheless.  I need to find a way to harness this in my life so it's a longer-lasting feeling.  Then maybe I'll be nicer and less horrible.   Maybe.

When It Comes to the Kids My Husband's Brain Turns to Mush

I don't think there are two more different mind sets than 'Those With Children' and 'Those Without Children.'  

I understand that my husband feels things that I cannot even comprehend for his children.  I've seen it.  They will be awful and disrespectful and even though he might get frustrated he just sees them through 'Parental Love Glasses' and deems certain things as endearing and child-like.  Where as I see them through 'Everyone Else's Glasses' and think they're being nightmares.

One example of Mush Brain: he will complain about other children and I have to bite my tongue to not say 'our kids are 10 times worse!'  I'm constantly asking them to not do  the same things over and over (like jump on the furniture) and I'm blatantly ignored and I think if he saw another child do this he'd be furious.  The worst part is, he knows his brain is mush and he stands by that as a parental right.  

Part of my frustration and our butting heads is that obviously I can't understand what it's like to have my own children but at one point my husband didn't have kids, so can't he place himself in my shoes as someone who was once childless?  Apparently not.  

I get it, having children is a life changing experience and hopefully one day I'll be able to experience that, but I really want my spouse's help.  But, how to approach the subject without offending him?  As soon as I reference something about the kids, whether it be neutral or remotely smacks of negativity, I can feel a defensive wall go up.  Suddenly it becomes him and his kids Vs. me, the step parent.  

My mom's advice (who was in my husband's place) is to ignore it completely.  She'll send me text messages when she knows I'm with the kids that say, 'Try to have fun' or 'Enjoy this hour with them.'   She's anticipating that they're being naughty and I'm at the end of my rope.  She's always right too because I feel like they ARE mostly naughty and I AM mostly out of patience.  

A friend of mine sent me THIS LINK from an advice columnist that helped put things in perspective.  The man writing in and was absolutely incredulous when he heard his second's wife's feelings for his children.  I loved that the advice writer scolded him and not his wife.  I also thought, good for the step mom for faking it so well!  My husband is aware of how I feel at times about the kids (listen, sometimes I adore/ like them - 50% of the time), so he can't plead ignorance, but I wish I had faked it earlier.  

It's basically a lose/ lose.  My husband has made it clear that he can't separate his feelings for his kids with common sense.  They are always going to be in my life and the last two years have shown me that their personalities are basically set in stone.  The youngest child is the only one who demonstrates a polite, obedient personality, very different from the other children (and this child is currently 3!  It's a huge miracle in my life, considering all I know about 3 YEAR OLDS).

When I was a mid-single I watched as women (who I was friends with or just knew in the ward) brains' turned to mush when they got engaged.  It wasn't as bad as parental mush brain but it was noticeably annoying.  I wasn't trying to be sour grapes, but I was surprised at how insensitive they were to us spinsters whom they were leaving behind.  It was like all their experience of being lonely or uncertain or even scared of facing the possibility of living alone forever was gone; they couldn't understand why we couldn't feel the same as them.  

I remember one RS lesson in the single's ward when the teacher was finishing her lesson, in tears, saying she was going to get married a week before her 31st birthday and how she was so grateful she made it to marriage before the mid-single cut off, as if that was the worst thing imaginable.  Only she forgot a good number of us sitting in that lesson were over 31, actually I'm sure she didn't forget because she knew all of us fairly well, but her brain just turned to mush.  She used phrases like, 'I thought the Lord had forgotten me' and 'I know the Lord answers prayers.'  Um, and did he forget the rest of us who were all clearly single?  Just pure mush.  

What that experience helps me realize is there's no reasoning with mush brain.  You can ignore the insensitive comments and pure stupidity or get mad with no solution in sight.  And if I do have my own kids one day, I will hopefully be able to remember what it's like for the rest of the world.  

I want my struggles to help me remember the other perspective.  So far I'm hopeful, as I feel more akin to mid-singles in our ward than the young married couples (I really try to avoid  excessive PDA in church).  

My husband keeps telling me I'll change as soon as I have kids and will forget the other side of things.  The horror!  That seems as bad as turning into a zombie (I'm not kidding)!  The thing with parental mush brain is that it only involves you and your children - so that everyone else in the world is wrong or just on the other side.  I pray that my family is blunt enough to tell me the truth if this ever does happen.  Thankfully, they are incredibly blunt and I also have this as a written account to hold myself accountable.    

Feeling Invisible to Your Spouse But Not the Step Kids

My husband and I had our first date in mid-July and from that night until the end of August, when we got engaged, I had never been happier.  However, had I known that once we got engaged the honeymoon period would end, I would have asked that we date for longer than 6 weeks.  Begged for it, actually.  

Those 6 weeks were the best of my life.  I was so happy to have found my EC (you know, Eternal Companion, the one I had dreamt about since junior year at BYU when all my single friends started to drop like flies but I stayed single?), I could barely eat or sleep or do any work.  And, I had never been so adored by anyone in my whole life.  He treated me like this fragile treasure that would break if anyone looked at me.  He carried anything I tried to pick up (even my purse, which I didn't care for - I didn't like seeing this big man carrying a small women's bag, but that's not the point. . .), I couldn't open doors because he was there first and when he opened them he always placed his hand on the small of my back to gently guide me in.  He always had his hand on me - my arm, shoulder or waist - in a really protective way.  It was heaven!  I'm from the West where woman are expected to work along side the men - if not work more than them.  He's from the South and was taught to be a true Southern gentleman.  Did I resent his behavior as possibly patronizing since I had been an independent woman for more than half my life?  No way!  I ate this up.

Once when we were still dating, "Child A," threw something heavy at my face (I don't remember why and now knowing "Child A" there might not have been a reason).  I ducked and before I could tell my husband it was OK, I saw his face fill with rage and he yanked the child outside for discipline.  My in-laws were there and quietly joked about not messing with my husband's 'Woman' - even if you're 6.    Obviously I felt horrible at the time, but now I think of this moment fondly.  Probably because I'm really messed up.  Also because I now feel invisible to my husband.  "Child A" will hit or throw things at me now and my husband's response is more like, 'You can handle it.'

I remember the first time I felt invisible to him.  We had been engaged for less than a week and took the 3 oldest children (at the time 6, 5 and 3) to an amusement park.  We let them ride a kiddie ride while we sat near by.  I sat on my husbands lap (I know, super annoying but I was still giddy-in-love) and we were joking and laughing when the ride ended and the kids started to walk towards us.  We were maybe 20 feet away and I assumed we'd let them walk to us and kept talking.  I know, I sound like a heartless, jerk step-mother, a true parent would be at the gate so the child wouldn't go 2 feet without a parent next to them.  My husband reacted like said parent and jumped up, literally knocking me aside and ran to them.  That's when reality started to set in.  Wait, I wasn't the only one my husband loved with all his heart.  Ugh, I'm horrible for even thinking that.      

It was also embarrassing for me and I told him so.  Not the best move.  First of all he didn't even notice his reaction, it was so ingrained in him.  In his mind, the ride ended and he stood up and assumed I did the same and went to the children.  He didn't notice that he had sprinted towards them and I was half way on the bench and half way off and THEN I stood up in shock and walked over to him with an angry look on my face.  He even accused me of making it up.  When I insisted that I did not make this up he grew impatient and then annoyed.  These were children!  What did I expect him to do, wait for them to come to us?  Um, yes, but I'm also really awful.

The next day it got much worse.

It was the first time the kids and I spent the weekend with him at his parent's house.  Space was tight at his parent's and before I came along, he would spend Friday evening, Saturday day and Sunday day with his kids but they didn't spend the night.  For some reason he thought it made perfectly good sense to have me and the kids there.  So, the next day my husband was hanging out with one child,  his brother and father and left me to tend to the other ones.  At first this seemed really fun, but after 2 hours (or when typical babysitting might end), I thought, 'Where is my fiancé?  Why hasn't he come to find me even to just say 'Hi?' and these kids are really disobedient.'  Then it hit me, my husband had what he wanted, he could stop the woo-ing and act normal.  I promptly left three little kids alone and went into the bathroom and cried.

His mother found me after a while (she probably  thought I was irresponsible and crazy for leaving them alone) and gave me a hug.  I didn't say a word but she told me that she knew how hard it was to be a mom and I was doing a good job and that my husband (to-be) loved me very much.  Yes, my mother-in-law is perfect and so closely tied to the Spirit she knows everything.  I tried to stop and say 'Thank you for reading the situation so well, and for saying the perfect thing,' but, instead I cried even harder.  Mostly because I caught a glimpse of my future and it felt hard and lonely.  I think his mom's hug was a tender mercy of sorts, identifying that this was going to be difficult and there would be people to help me feel better, but it wasn't going to stop and I might not get the help I wanted from my husband.

I want to tell you things got better but that wouldn't be true.  I told my husband that night how I felt and he was sorry he had left me alone for so long but we never went back to our 'sick-in-love' phase. I guess this is for the best, even I see photos from this brief time and roll my eyes.  But, it just felt so blissfully wonderful!  I thought we'd be those celebrity couples who make out in the middle of  restaurants and you think, 'Why didn't you wait 'til you got home?  You're famous and everyone can see you?'  Well, OK, we've never even kissed in a restaurant (I can do hand holding and cuddling in public but that's it).  But you know what I mean, just so freaking in love you walk on air and don't even notice.

This actually became a small fight for the next, oh, maybe 23 months.  Every few weeks I would hit a breaking point and tell him I needed his attention (because I'm selfish).  I needed compliments and affection - things I know he's capable of because I remember those 6 weeks from long ago (I bet he wishes I didn't).  Men and women are so different, and it's hard to work out the man's brain when you think with a woman's brain.  I guess that's why the first year of marriage is hard for everyone.

At this point you're shouting at me, 'But there are small children in the picture! Of course you don't get all your husband's attention when he was a father first! Duh!'  And, you would be correct.  However the abruptness of it all and the immediate change in my husband (fiancé at the time) was not what I had expected at all.  I don't fault him at all, obviously.  I know all the time and energy children suck out of you, leaving you a hollow shell (well at least that's how I feel as a step-parent, maybe biological parents feel better) and not feeling like yourself.  As soon as we get the kids it's like my husband and I both disappear and we become kid-ranglers to four wild children.  I signed up for this, so I can't complain, but I will anyway. . . .It's so hard!  And not fun!

My husband will drop the kids off on Sunday and come home and say things like, 'There you are!'  He thinks he's being charming but, for me it's too soon.  We can joke when we're grandparents and empty nesters.

So, now that I've complained a ton, I need to mention that the last 2 weeks have been so much better.

A few weeks ago I had a melt down with "Child A" that turned violent (child trying to hurt me, not me trying to hurt child but you know I wish I could have, and yeah I just said that) and I thought, 'I'm done.'  I wasn't giving the kids what they needed (a loving step-mom) and that meant I wasn't giving my husband what HE needed (a supportive, loving spouse) and I sure as heck wasn't getting what I wanted (I feel ridiculous saying 'needed').  After a several hour conversation, my husband patiently told me that he would do whatever it took and didn't try to argue with my selfish points.  Ugh!  That man is a saint sometimes.  He asked what I needed/wanted and I (horribly) said to not feel invisible.

I'm not proud of myself.  Being a step-parent is hard but I also think I'm too entitled with my role.  Like, 'Yeah, you have 4 small kids but I need attention too!'  I'm in my 30s!  And not my early 30s!  The only way I can justify this is (because I always need to justify how bad I am), entering  an already-made family is a shock and something that takes years to fully grasp.  You need to learn that a dynamic between a man and a women changes drastically when there are kids and the kids always win.  It's not easy and it doesn't seem to get easier, but hopefully I'll get tougher.

The last weekend we had the kids my husband helped comb hair before church, he helped to feed them during mealtime, he was parenting more intensely and I took a step back.  I helped too with them but, I also gave myself permission to check email or go upstairs and organize.   He was now the disciplinary and the one feeding them every 2 hours (they are Always hungry, or at least they say they're always hungry).  I ate my lunch while he served them lunch, which means for a good 30 minutes he was back and forth meeting all their demands while I quietly watched.  Usually the roles are reversed.  The best part was, he also found time to tell me I looked nice.  You don't even know how much this meant to me!

Don't worry, I recognize how horrible I sound and I DO plan on helping out more in the future.  I'll slowly go back to doing as much as I was doing before (by slowly I mean in a few weeks).  Stopping to tell me I looked nice when we had the kids made be instantly feel visible and like someone of important in his life.  It's funny how small things can make a world of difference and I'm so grateful he has been making such a huge effort without slacking off.  How demanding do I sound?  Very, very demanding.  Ugh!  I pray one day I'll be less selfish.  The good news is, we'll never be that  obnoxious couple who's so gooey in love you want to puke.

Step Parenting a Child with Behavioral Issues / Mental Disabilities or How to be Just Horrible

Is it fair to say you've reached an all time low when you let an 8 year old's comments make you cry?

When I met my husband's oldest child, let's call them "Child A," this child was 6 and immediately I knew there was something different about them.  "A" was on the same level with the 3 year old child (Three! My Favorite Age!) socially and behaviorally.

It's interesting to observe a parent so closely, as I do with my husband, I can see how differently he loves each child in a completely unique way to that child.  "Child A" is not the favorite (there are no favorites) but, they are the child who receives the most special treatment, the one my husband spends the most time fretting over, making sure "A" never feels too ostracized.  It's exhausting and can be frustrating at times.  "Child A" does not make ANYTHING easy.

Right now you're thinking, 'You big jerk, this is a child with special needs and you're complaining?!'  Why, yes, I am.  When I first met "A" I, too felt overprotective and a great, natural love for them.   However over the last 2 years, I have been worn down from loving to barely tolerate.  I see this child manipulate and control situations like a 3 year old on steroids.  I see our whole family bend over backwards for "A" and "A" just wants even more.

When I first met "Child A" I was sure they had some form of autism and I researched about the subject and felt like I could help "A."  However after months of elaborate tests and meetings with doctors and therapists the official diagnosis was that "A" does not fall on the autism spectrum and is not mentally retarded.  Which means "Child A's" issues are behavioral as opposed to mental.  Which made my tolerance level drop immediately.

"Child A" is perfectly sweet until they want something or want to do something and are told 'no.'  Then "A" morphs into a little monster, complete with tantrums and violence.  These range from  ridiculous ("I want a Christmas Tree" in September) to, in my opinion, spoiled ("I want my own puppy," when at the Ex's house they have a family dog and cat and we bought this child their own bird and fish).  Then, without fail, it starts: the whining which leads to tears which leads to trying to run away or kick, spit or hit.

I have had about 6 melt downs with this child (when my husband wasn't there) where I am often trying to hold down "A" and I'm the one crying.  When "Child A" was 6, I could constrain them but now at age 8, "A" is too large in stature (and it doesn't help that I'm small and weak) for me to physically stop.  I have been overpowered by "A" on more than one occasion.  Very demeaning moments for me, like the one in the chapel during a sacrament talk where I fell over the child, feet up, dress up, on the floor (my husband was in the hall with the baby).

"Child A" has no self control and will eat until sick, but if you attempt to curtail the portions or say 'No, you can't have thirds,' there will be a fight.  My husband will cave and "A" has eaten so much they have vomited later that night.  I then turn into the mean one, the disciplinary who looks like they are starving a poor child.  This has been my role since I started dating my husband and it's basically The Worst.

Thank goodness for therapy.  I spoke with a therapist who had some basic advice, so basic I wanted to punch myself for not thinking about of it first.  The first is: 80% of the time a child does not need to be disciplined right at that moment, especially if I have lost control of myself in that moment.  I can let the child know they've done something wrong and it will be addressed, just not right then.  The second was that I don't have to be the disciplinary.  If my husband isn't there at the time of the incident, I can let the child know their father is going to handle it when he gets home.  When he does get home I also need to briefly talk to him about my expectations of what should happen since I was the adult present.  But, in the end, he is the biological father and I also need to respect his decision.

However, all this and my common sense went out the window last night.

Look, I know I'm the adult and a child is a child, but sometimes their comments hit at the core and break my heart, even when they don't mean to hurt me.  It's not something I'm proud of.  Not letting their remarks hurt is something I'm trying to correct all the time, it's on my 'To Do List' right after exercise 3 days a week and quit dairy.   My achilles heel is when the kids talk about any time when 'mommy and daddy were married' or wishing that daddy was still married to mommy.  I know! Not their fault and I need to be a grown up and smile lovingly and think, 'Poor dears, of course they don't mean to slight me, they just hurt.'  Do I do that?  Heck no!

Last night we finished with dinner and were going to drop the kids off at their mother's house.  "Child A" protested that they didn't want to go and when my husband asked why, "A" responded with, "I don't want you to not be married to Mommy!  I want you and Mommy to get back together and you live with us!"  My husband tried to quiet "A" but "A" kept going and then the 5 year old started in on not wanting mommy and daddy to be broken up anymore.  I wanted to turn around and snap, 'Then you should have told your mommy that when she was sleeping with her boyfriend!" or something along those lines.  You know: Your mother did this, stop torturing your dad and disrespecting me.  Anyway, I had spent an evening watching the kids, ordering their food, setting it up for them and making sure they were comfortable, especially "Child A" and I was worn out.  Now our time together was ending and all "A" cared about was 'Getting the band back together' (more or less).

I was so upset by these comments, and I started to feel tears well up, so I got out of the car and told my husband to drop them off and I would take a walk.  Thank goodness he let me.  I needed to remove myself from the situation and calm down and reason with myself.  If tests show this child doesn't have mental disabilities, then that means this child operates on a level of selfishness which is off the charts.  This child is completely unaware of anyone else around them and can't comprehend why they can't get everything they want when they want, or even worse, say what they want whenever they want regardless of the audience.  No matter how much I do or care for "Child A," I need to figure out how to accept that it will never be appreciated or mean that much to "A."

So I'm still trying to figure it out.  Where does this child truly fall in the realm of disabilities?  Surely, it has to be more than behavioral when the child eats and reasons like a 3 year old?  Can I just tell all those tests to 'Buzz off, you REALLY botched this diagnosis?'  Does the official diagnosis really hold so much weight with my own mental reasoning?  Apparently it does, which is ironic because I grew up being told meditation would cure a headache and I still half-way believe this.

Me getting out of the car to clear my thoughts really affected my husband too.  For once, I felt like he understood how hurt I feel when "Child A" is insensitive to me.  When he picked me up he was visibly upset for me and felt truly sorry.  In the past I think he would have been more calloused in his response to me; you know, 'Get over it!  These are children!'  But I think last night was a changing point for both of us, and maybe that's why we had this experience (my immature reaction and all).

I'm still in the midst of trying to work out my feelings for "Child A."  I would be the world's biggest jerk if I couldn't forgive and forget this incident (well, I am the world's biggest jerk anyway for even complaining about an 8 year old with special needs).  There are certain limits that I can't control: I can't control the amount of time I spend with "A" (sometimes I think more time would help), I can't control any chemical or emotional unbalance in this child's brain, and I can't control how this child feels (wanting mom and dad back together is perfectly natural, I saw 'The Parent Trap' staring Hayley Mills).  Right now, prayer seems to be my biggest ray of hope.  I can't change "A" and to change myself I need to be humble and pray all the time.  And therapy.  Lots of therapy.

Be Careful What You Wish For - You Might Get Married

This sounds bad, right?  Let me explain!  No, maybe it is bad, because this is what I usually tell my #midsingle friends when they say they really want to get married.  Listen, in the end,  I wouldn't change one thing.  Marrying my husband in my mid-30s meant marrying into a situation with children and an Ex wife.  It also meant I got to work and travel and buy expensive juice and cheese and it would last me weeks, not just one sitting (my husband eats so dang much).  I went to whatever movies I wanted without thinking twice: foreign, boring documentaries, stupid long ones that I wanted to see just for the cinematography.  I had a good life and I was overall happy.  But those moments of thinking, I'm not complete or missing out, especially as an LDS woman, did creep up and they could be paralyzing.

 That all changed in a very short time.  I mean, VERY SHORT.  After 6 weeks of dating, my husband and I got engaged.  I know, we're crazy, and I thought this sort of thing only happened at BYU (because I saw it happen there all the time).  However, I had never dated someone where it felt so right; where there was NO question in my mind that this was my future spouse.  And the next thing I knew, I was engaged, a soon-to-be step parent and also not the first wife on the scene.  I suddenly felt like I was drowning and I knew it would only get worse and it did! (and 'no' it wasn't because I was 'awful-izing' - I tried to be positive everyday).  I tried to postpone the wedding when I saw that my fiancé still had photos of his Ex on his Facebook page with comments like 'You're smoking hot.'  To me this was a sign that he wasn't ready for a second wife - he still hadn't eliminated the first one from social media - and most of their photos still looked like they were married.  To him this was because Facebook and social media were inane and he barely visited these sites anymore, so any photos left up were due to sheer forgetfulness.

Ugh, Facebook.  It seems like such a good idea and then you get married to someone with an Ex-wife and you want to start a new life with this person but there are all these photos and messages that blatantly remind you that you were not there first.  Generally speaking, I think FB is very different for men and women.  My husband is the first to remind me that nothing on social media is real - the smiles, the forced poses, the flattering lighting.  And I know he's right - I've posted so many photos of us looking like a perfect blended family who are SO happy - but I still forget when it comes to other people.  

I thought when I was single that life would feel more stable once I got married.  Everyone told me it was hard and I believed them but if you could go through life as a duo wouldn't it make you stronger and problems easier to conquer?  Perhaps, but not when you marry into kids and an Ex-spouse.  I have never felt more unstable or unsure of how things will turn out as a married person.  Again, I wouldn't change a thing - I don't want to be married to anyone else.  But I know that these trials are going to stick around for a long time and it's possible they could get worse.  Over the last two years I have used the phrase, 'Well, things can't get any worse, which means things are only going to get better!'  And I naively believed this, even though things Always managed to get worse.  The good news is, I have found out that I'm capable of more trials than I ever imagined (yay!).    

Of course, I did have a mental breakdown one night after a very intense fight with the Ex that left me in such a state of shock I was comatose for 2 hours.  That was a fun one.  I'm not sure if I could have moved if I wanted to, but my brain told me it would hurt less if I didn't move or respond to life so I didn't.  It actually felt very peaceful in my little shell but it did terrify my husband who  almost took me to the hospital.  One priesthood blessing later I came out of it but was so enraged at the fight (I felt like my husband threw me under the bus) that I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to look at my spouse for a good 12 hours.  Real stable, huh?  Not things you'd imagine feeling or experiencing as a single person.

So why am I sharing such seemingly awful stories and insight?  Just so you know, I'd probably still encourage most people to date and marry someone with kids and an ex-spouse (just be prepared for a possible hard time).  No, all this came about after I posted about infertility.

I got to waterski the other day.   Yes, that seems random and a bit like a non sequitur, but hear me out.  I don't know what it's like to be 100% responsible for a baby - from what I hear it's Really hard and exhausting.  And, maybe I'll have one and maybe I won't but in the meantime I need to appreciate every gosh darn moment I have in life.   If I can go waterskiing (on a day we don't have the kids) without thinking twice, that's a pretty good thing.  If I can stay up late watching movies (action and comedies, of course) with my husband on weekends when we don't have the kids and then sleep in the next day, that's a luxury I need to relish.

Good times are usually best appreciated after they pass and sometimes when you are going through rough times.  It's hard to sit back and think, THIS right HERE is a good thing, I need to remember this feeling for later when things might stink.  Ohhh wait, is this what people call living in the moment?  It's so much harder than it sounds, especially with kids, and even more especially with step-kids.  Last night I had a milkshake for dinner.  One huge Oreo milkshake and since I had this post on my mind, I savored every last unhealthy drink and it made me really happy.  Yes, I had a stomach ache later and I totally abandoned my diet, but in the moment I was happy and right now as I think back on it, it seems like heaven, especially since I'm only eating salad today.